You're the light, you're the night, you're the color of my blood...

Exciting times ahead!!

After a very long and thoughtful discussion, Jose and I have loosely planned out the next few years in our relationship...

We agreed that we want to buy a house first before we get married and we will be putting away about $400 a month for at least a year, on top of the money Jose has already saved. We want to stay in the city, so obviously our future home will be small and not cheap, but it will be ours...and we get to stay in our beloved Los Angeles. It's important we live close to our respective families and our jobs. We are okay not having grass or a front lawn, given that California is in a terrible drought and it's a lot easier to maintain a rock garden than a giant grass patch. We've driven around Highland Park and glanced at a few houses for sale, but the real hunt will start next summer once we finish our lease on our current place.

Jose wants to finish his AA and find a better paying job before getting married. It might be a couple more years before we get hitched. We both agreed we don't want a big wedding and I also don't want an expensive ring. Jose told me he'd rather get me a house than a ring :) If getting married in 2+ years means a city hall ceremony and dinner at a nice restaurant with friends & family, then so be it. I'm not interested in a lavish wedding with $20 a plate dinner for each guest. I also don't want to hassle my friends with renting tuxes or buying dresses. I think eloping would be perfect but we'd never heard the end of it from our families...

Definitely no babies before the wedding ring, the better job or the new house. The clock continues to tick and if at 35 the conditions to become parents doesn't look favorable, we might want to reevaluate our plan. Adoption isn't out of the question or just being pet parents, but I do want at least one little Saucedo. We agreed no more than 2. The way things are looking, it'll be a struggle just to get to the one. Parenthood isn't one of those kind of things you can put on the back burner forever....I sincerely hope I don't miss my window...only time will tell.

We've felt a lot more at ease now that we had this big talk. It really has shed some light on where we both things were going. It feels great to hear Jose tell me he wants his life to be with me. I couldn't stop smiling. I told him I feel the same way and I'm ready to go on this ride with him.

On a related note: Jose got interviewed by a psychologist who I believe is doing a bit of research. She wanted to discuss Jose's illness and how he's handling his life. She had spoken to him years ago when his diagnosis was more recent and he was still coping with all that was going on. The interview happened in our kitchen and our house is so tiny, I could hear their conversation through the wall in our bedroom. I tried to not eavesdrop, but curiosity got the best of me. I caught a few words here and there but was happy to hear that Jose is continually working on his mental illness, has found a great balance with his medication and is appreciative of his support system. More than once he mentioned me and how he values our relationship. He talked about our future plans and how he wants to keep doing well. I felt happy and proud of him. When I had last evaluated myself in regards to his illness, I felt weird in a negative way. Now hearing him say that I was one of the most positive relationships in his life, I was encouraged to continue all the good progress we had made. You don't know how much you mean to someone until you hear them say it someone else.

I never doubted us for a second but it's good to know we're on our way....

If you ever need someone to cry to/if you ever need someone to hold you

"Sometimes I have conversations with you in my head...and they're always negative."

Jose said that to me on Saturday night after we had an argument and were trying to get things back to normal. On the extremely rare occasion we fight, I'm always left with a resonating feeling that takes several days to get over. Words sting and they hurt more than we realize.

What we fought about was pretty trivial and I think we had just gotten a little frustrated with each other after a long day. The silent treatment set in. Dinnertime came and we said very little to each other. Then we really got into it once we arrived home and suddenly we were having a fight. We were going in circles about nothing and when he raised his voice, I backed off and gave up. He instantly felt bad and gave me a hug. Time out. Fight over. We both apologized to one another and settled down. As he held me in his arms, he sighed and said that sometimes he has conversations with me in his head....but they're always negative. I felt my heart twinge. Not really what I wanted to hear.

"Why? Can you try and make them be positive? Like how we really are?" I whisper and he says he tries but he can't. I didn't want to keep digging at him because I knew it was related to his illness and he's not always in control of that. I forget he still has mental issues to deal with.

He's told me before that he feels the disease creeping in at work and at school. He'll become paranoid that co-workers are sabotaging his car because he found an unexplained crack in the windshield (which his work offered to fix, free of charge) or that his classmates talk about him when it's group project time. He'll ask me if that's rational and I'll always say to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. No need to worry yourself into a tailspin. He's good about realizing that he's worrying about nothing and never fails to take his medication....but then he says things like that....my voice sounds negative in his head....and I just wish it wouldn't be that way.

The next morning we had a fantastic Sunday. We had delicious breakfast burritos and then spent the afternoon shopping for a new purse because Jose wanted to get me something more for Valentines. I told him his traditional acoustic serenade was more than enough...it's what I asked for and I couldn't be happier. Though I do like my new purse :) I think I like "Wonderwall" more :) :) :)



I know better than to let remnants of his mental illness bother me. My own BFF had a lapse on Sunday night and she said (in anger) that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I tried to be strong and not let it get to me. I knew it was her disease getting the better of her. So I just let it go and she apologized with a phone call a few minutes later. She and Jose share similar stories: they are fighting through their own battle with mental disease. I know my BFF has a long journey ahead of her and I will stand by her, no matter what. I know she will get to the other side, where Jose is now: where the symptoms are under control and there are no more "episodes." But it always hurts more when it's someone that close to you, they say something and it just echoes in your head...

(sigh)

But you love that person so much, so you know you'll never give up on them. And you might hit a rough patch in your friendship or relationship, but your bond is strong enough to withstand it.

I got you, Lo. I know you might be reading this.
Jose knows, too. We got this.

Even though I love ya madly, it seems I love you more...

Holiday blues have not set in, thank goodness! The first week of the New Year is over and I am happy to report that 2015 is looking fabulous.

My Christmas vacation was wonderful and I also had a happy 31st birthday, thanks in huge part to my friends, family and that handsome devil known as my boyfriend. My heart was overflowing by the end of December.

Birthday Girl & her babe

Ho ho ho!! My cousin Gus as Santa!

New Year's Eve right before our midnight kiss...

Some of my friends have asked if 2015  will be the year we get engaged (or have a baby)? Who knows?!? I'm not expecting anything, just enjoying the present and the now. Our little house is feeling more and more like a little home, so my main preoccupation these days is sprucing up our walls and making sure our towels and linens match. I don't ever want to get TOO ahead of myself and wonder why Jose hasn't proposed. When the time is right and he's ready to get married, he'll ask. The best part is I already am ready to say yes and feel extremely confident in my answer. Excited for whatever happens with this amazing guy!! :D

When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be..

Happy 2 Year Anniversary to us!!!!!!!

In a blink, here we are….living together in our little house: kissing each other goodbye in the mornings as we go our separate ways for work, planning our grocery shopping for the week, washing dishes, scrubbing the bathroom sink, watching TV in our big bed, cuddling during a movie, talking in the dark and making each other laugh before bed.

It hasn’t been perfect. Jose was in a minor car crash and I came down with a strange illness in which I broke out in a rash and had a terrible cough. Jose’s beloved ’88 Honda Civic is out of commission and will most likely be sold to his brother Cas after it’s been deemed road-worthy. Now Jose drives a red ’99 Accord and though he misses his old girl, the power windows and A/C in the new car are much appreciated, especially by me. J My weird sickness weighed heavily on me and Jose was a total sweetheart the whole time through. He doted on me, made sure I was comfortable and offered comfort when I thought I was losing my mind over the itching. A couple of rounds of medication later and I’m feeling 100% thank goodness

My heart just keeps expanding with all the happiness I’m feeling each and every day. The love I have for Jose grows exponentially, too. There are times when I look over at him, asleep in our bed and I have to poke his face to make sure he’s real. Did I dream you? Are you really mine? What did I do to deserve you, someone so loving, caring, wonderful and nice? And then I have to shake my head and smile. These are just silly questions that have no answer. You just have to accept what this lives gives you.

Just a couple days ago, we were fooling around in bed and Jose asks me, “Why do you love me?” and I was a little stunned. I didn’t have a quick answer. I made a joke and said it’s because I thought he was the coolest, which isn’t wrong. Cool could mean a lot of things. Cool is like being perfect, without having to be perfect. Does that make sense? I countered his question and asked why does he love me?

“I don’t know. Because even when things are bad, they’re not so bad anymore because I have you” he says with a shrug.

And maybe that’s it…maybe that’s what we’re all aiming for….we just want a partner to navigate this life with, someone that will keep us safe and warm…or makes us laugh when a Prius slams into us at a busy intersection on the way home from school…or make you forget how scary seeing the doctor is when you know the diagnosis is going to suck.

These last 2 years have been fantastic, a life full of love with the coolest guy I know. The coolest co-pilot I could ever ask for. 

As long as we're together, there's no place I'd rather be...

We'll be together with a roof right over our heads...

YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

We found a place!!! 

A cute little one bedroom back-house in Highland Park for $800 with bills included. No living room really but a big kitchen and big bedroom. SO EXCITED!!!

Our deposit was handed in to our Peruvian landlords on Friday and we signed a one year lease this past Sunday. Boxes are being packed and the merging of our possessions will begin this weekend. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! I don't care that I'll be slightly broke for a couple of weeks but I'll be with my boy and I'll be sharing my life with him. I can't cook worth a shit but I'll learn for him. We'll take walks around the Rosebowl for exercise and share a wifi connection. We'll snuggle up and watch our favorite shows we downloaded illegally. Laundry dates and long Sunday mornings together. I seriously can't wait!

Pictures of the soon-to-be Casa de Saucedo...

Our huge kitchen with a hideous curtain I'm going to get rid of soon...

We're keeping the fridge...oh God we're gonna have to take a poo right next to the kitchen...oh well!

Love the color scheme of the restroom...not joking...

Jose's future throne

So much shower hanky ;) Again love the color scheme...

My boy gazing out of our bedroom window. I don't love the cement floor but we'll just have to get some dope ass rugs...

Highland Park's newest residents...

It's really happening! A new chapter in the story of us :)

Home is wherever I'm with you (reprise)....

YES!!!!!!!

Great news!!

After hours of brainstorming (mostly on my 5 hour flight from Philadelphia to LA), I finally cracked the case of how I can move in with Jose and leave my mom relatively unscathed:

If I just move some of my bills around and drop stuff I don't need, I can round up the extra $250 my mom needs to pay the rent on her own. It's simple and easy: give up cable/satellite, get a dirt cheap internet connection, stop going to the gym, reduce my IRA payment to $25 a month and continue on Jose's family cell phone plane, I have more than enough money to give my mom. I just consolidate all my bills into one big savings a month and then silently transfer that to my mom. And it's not like I'll be starving for money, these are bills I was already paying with no problem. Now I'll just have one "mom bill" a month and I'll help her out, thus feeling guilt free about living with Jose.

We presented the idea to my mom on Sunday night at the dining room table. We were both really nervous. I laid out the entire plan and showed her all the savings and how we could help her be independent whilst we progressed in our relationship. At first she was a little hesitant but as we explained it all, she seemed to agree. By the end of our conversation, she was good with our idea but made sure to let me know that she wasn't trying to ruin our plans or stand in our way.....it's just things didn't work out with her man friend, not in the way she had hoped. She also didn't want to cramp our lifestyle and the things we are used to either. I told her these things (gym, cable, etc.) are just luxuries and I don't need them at all. I need Jose and I need her to be okay. That must have been the selling point.

Sooooo....the apartment/house search is back on! Soon as I come back from Vegas early next month and get that expense out of the way (which shouldn't be bad at all), we're hitting the ground running again. I hope and pray we find something decent and affordable so that by our second anniversary, we are living together!!!

Step by step, it's all coming true!!! :D

The only heaven I'll be sent to is when I'm alone with you..

I was hoping that the more time I waited between posts, the better our news about moving in would be.....sadly, the longer I wait to post, the more grim the situation becomes.

The road to us moving in together has been paved with obstacles that are not that easy to overcome. I am trying my hardest not to be upset at my mom, but she's the main reason I cannot move out right now. Jose and I were busy filling out apartment applications. We saw several apartments in Pasadena and in Highland Park. Nobody was calling us back but we weren't discouraged. We got so close. But then one evening my mom informs me that her boyfriend is not ready to move in and take my place. In fact, he's become more distant with my mom ever since she mentioned the idea. Again, trying not to be so mad....but her boyfriend is a total loser and I'm stuck. I can't go anywhere. My mom has tried every which way to help me make this happen but her stubbornness has left her with little options. She won't move back in with my aunt, she won't find another place with her boyfriend and she has no friends to take my place so I can go. So right now, NOTHING is happening.

I feel trapped. I feel hopeless. My dream of spending my days and nights with Jose looks super far away...

We spoke about this and it just feels like I'm going in circles. Thank goodness my darling boy is so understanding and patient. He is not as deterred as I am and reassures me that he is in no rush. He said he's going to keep saving money and when it happens, it'll happen. We've entertained the idea of buying house, too which would definitely require more time and more saving up. Jose has it all planned out and he thinks it could be a reality in 3-4 years.

Being upset at my mom doesn't help. Wallowing in my own despair absolutely won't help. I've had tons of time to think about it as the summer has unfolded and I am trying REALLY HARD not to compare myself to other couples. Everyone always pesters me about when we're going to get married and have kids, and I can barely get the moving in part to become a reality. It's a lot of unnecessary pressure to progress at everyone else's level.

"Are you not happy with how things are presently? Why do you have to worry about what everyone else is doing? You'll never be happy with what you got if you're always looking for something else to do..." he says over dinner. I feel my face flush with embarrassment. He's right....I can't even look him in the eye and explain myself out of the hole I'm in. I meekly stir the ice in my drink with my straw and muster up a response...

"I am happy. I am. I am the happiest I've been....it's just...."

And I don't know why I added a "just" to the rest of that. There shouldn't be any need to qualify how good my life is now. Yes, it could be better. Yes, we could keep striving for more, but we're not in dire straits or anything. We're not in a pit of despair right now where we're clawing for a way to get out....

No....we're in a wonderful place. And life is beautiful. And I need to enjoy that because these are the best days and if I keep looking elsewhere, I'll miss it all.

Jose's signed up for 2 courses this fall at Pasadena City College and hopes to finish his degree. So even if I don't see it, things around me are changing. Not entirely sure what he wants to major in but he's got my full support. I sure don't miss studying and homework, so better him than me! :)