I think Edgar is Facebook-stalking me....er, well a girl could dream right?:
my status update: Happy Palm Sunday! (my last name = palms in Spanish)
Edgar: i learn something new every day
my reply: I'm always happy to help.
Translation of this exchange:
my status update: totally benign piece of personal info.
Edgar: I am peeing all over your Facebook wall to mark my territory against other males, while still appearing to be aloof.
me: Ram your cock down my throat, you sexy son of a bitch.
Arghhhh. He needs to stop taking these small interests in my life...he's giving me false hope that he actually cares about me and is interested in what I do.
He can't be, right?? It was just sex and escapism to him...naughty little maneuvers in the dark...he could never want all of me.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
"Fuck Armageddon, this is hell."
Facebook status updates surrounding our mutual interests are like catnip to Edgar....
My status last night: I'll be at the Bad Religion concert tonight. My mission: don't die.
Edgar comments away: you will be fine. damn i should be at that show. i haven't seen BR in years. have fun
Seeing that this morning elevated my spirits...my eyes stung from lack of sleep, I was dead tired and deaf out my left ear from standing in front of speaker all night...but this made me happy. I bended the rules and gave in to my lack of will power and shot him a wall post:
So I made it out alive...BR was amazing...as usual. You should've gone! Bad Religion & the Vandals on Easter Sunday...I'm going. Get your tickets and go, boy!
(sigh) What a way to end my Lenten abstinence, huh? Could you imagine if his stupid ass shows up to the concert and I'm there with Dan's arms wrapped around my waist...
Bad Religion was electrifying...I know the lead singer Greg Graffin looked right at me during the show...I have a little crush on him so that was nice.
I wish things were different. I wish people were different. I wish that I could just be normal and not keep this debilitating secret...this is my own personal hell, flirting with this boy on FB...wanting to be so close to him but not getting anywhere..knowing there's nothing there for us...knowing there is no "us."
My status last night: I'll be at the Bad Religion concert tonight. My mission: don't die.
Edgar comments away: you will be fine. damn i should be at that show. i haven't seen BR in years. have fun
Seeing that this morning elevated my spirits...my eyes stung from lack of sleep, I was dead tired and deaf out my left ear from standing in front of speaker all night...but this made me happy. I bended the rules and gave in to my lack of will power and shot him a wall post:
So I made it out alive...BR was amazing...as usual. You should've gone! Bad Religion & the Vandals on Easter Sunday...I'm going. Get your tickets and go, boy!
(sigh) What a way to end my Lenten abstinence, huh? Could you imagine if his stupid ass shows up to the concert and I'm there with Dan's arms wrapped around my waist...
Bad Religion was electrifying...I know the lead singer Greg Graffin looked right at me during the show...I have a little crush on him so that was nice.
I wish things were different. I wish people were different. I wish that I could just be normal and not keep this debilitating secret...this is my own personal hell, flirting with this boy on FB...wanting to be so close to him but not getting anywhere..knowing there's nothing there for us...knowing there is no "us."
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Die like a champion....
A conversation with Paul via Twitter:
me: FUCK I HATE L.A. TRAFFIC!!! I love this city and I don't want to have to ever move, but traffic is just...the raw dog. Makes me wanna leave.
Paul: come back up here! we have traffic, but it's the nice, hippy sort of traffic, not the evil, LA type.
me: You keep enticing me with promises of booze, fun times and hippy traffic. How can I resist?
He always says he wants me to come back...but I can't leave my beloved city unless he can promise me more than what we had almost 4 years ago...(sigh)
Still mad/grateful Dan is around, though.
GOOD: He fixes my flat tires.
BAD: But he lets his alarm ring non-stop from 4:30 am and onward and doesn't hear it, sleeps through it, refuses to turn it off because that "helps" him wake up at 6:45 am.
GOOD: Makes delicious home-cooked meals.
BAD: Makes a mess everywhere and doesn't bother to put anything away.
GOOD: We're going to the Bad Religion show together tonight.
BAD: He still hasn't paid me back for the Conan tickets he was going to surprise me with.
Maybe leaving L.A. for Berkeley isn't such a bad idea...
me: FUCK I HATE L.A. TRAFFIC!!! I love this city and I don't want to have to ever move, but traffic is just...the raw dog. Makes me wanna leave.
Paul: come back up here! we have traffic, but it's the nice, hippy sort of traffic, not the evil, LA type.
me: You keep enticing me with promises of booze, fun times and hippy traffic. How can I resist?
He always says he wants me to come back...but I can't leave my beloved city unless he can promise me more than what we had almost 4 years ago...(sigh)
Still mad/grateful Dan is around, though.
GOOD: He fixes my flat tires.
BAD: But he lets his alarm ring non-stop from 4:30 am and onward and doesn't hear it, sleeps through it, refuses to turn it off because that "helps" him wake up at 6:45 am.
GOOD: Makes delicious home-cooked meals.
BAD: Makes a mess everywhere and doesn't bother to put anything away.
GOOD: We're going to the Bad Religion show together tonight.
BAD: He still hasn't paid me back for the Conan tickets he was going to surprise me with.
Maybe leaving L.A. for Berkeley isn't such a bad idea...
Monday, March 22, 2010
I never felt so wicked as when I willed our love to die...
I feel like this week has put me in a near tail-spin of emotion...I hate this roller coaster feeling and I'm so glad I'm off it.
My period, for the most part, has been pretty regular these last 10 or 12 years...every week or so, it lags by a day or two...nothing too scary but once in a while it does give me the fright of my life.
I expected it on 3/16/10 but did not despair once St.Patrick's Day rolled around...the following night Dan and I had another row about the windows being shut at night...I parked myself in the living room, totally ready to sleep with a window open and on our fold-out couch...after a few threats and tears, we compromised and he agreed to keep the bedroom one open at least half-way if I agreed to come back and sleep with him....still no period the morning after that debacle...and so and so on...I started to panic on the 19th....the thought of having Danny's unborn, bastard child inside of me was chilling...a million thoughts swirled in my head...most of them circled around the idea of aborting this possible baby and wondering how I'd ever live with that foul secret.
By the 20th, I was falling into deeper despair. Still no period and I was imagining what it would be like to be pregnant. I looked at myself sideways in the mirror and saw my protruding, bloated belly...that can't be a kid in there already, could it? I mean, that had to be PMS bloating...I'm 6 days late...there's no way I'm carrying a kid in there. All these symptoms spelled out menstruation...but they also could horribly be the early stages of pregnancy. I mourned my future. I drove over to pick up Dan for a hockey game and I cried on my way there...silently and bitterly...I would never forgive myself for killing my own child...abortion was all well and good for other younger, more irresponsible girls...but not me...I couldn't do it...I felt like I was sending myself directly to hell. How could I disobey God and throw away my chance to be return to the Catholic church? I couldn't throw away my entire faith...but squelching that little life would let me continue mine without my mom being enormously disappointed in me...or Dan's family, too.
(sigh) Either way, they'd hate me...they'd hate us...because this would be half of Dan's problem, too.
I could never let my child be adopted...I would miss it forever.
Agreeing to keep it and make Dan marry me sounded even more disastrous. We fight too much in secret...I already have lied, cheated and betrayed him....how can I use that as a foundation to raise a child? The idea of being a pregnant/shot gun bride disgusted me, too. I would be trapped and shackled to Dan for the rest of my child's life. I prayed and prayed for my period to start. I squeezed my eyes tight at night and begged God not to let me be pregnant. Don't let this be true.
Sunday morning came and still no period. I wanted to die.
Finally, I got my period on Sunday in the afternoon. I almost fell off the toilet. It was the most amazing feeling. Like I beat the buzzer before sinking the game winning shot at a Laker game. I was beaming the rest of the day. Dan was happy. I was happy. Life was good again.
I must have thanked God a million times at church on Sunday. My mom told me she had lit a candle for me, unrelated to all this of course. Prayers can be answered. I hope this doesn't ever happen again.
As I saw my future go down in flames during this whole ordeal, Edgar expressed his skill of texting me with impeccable timing. I mean that sarcastically, of course--
Edgar: Hey
Me: Hey there
Edgar: What r u up to?
Me: Shopping.
Edgar: Buy me something good.
Me: Haha...maybe some lingerie. But that's more for me, I think you'd enjoy it. We'll talk later, handsome. Stay out of trouble.
I'm getting better. At least I haven't made plans to see him in person so I could fuck his brains out...arghhhh...why does he keep pestering me?
Pregnancy scares are NOT fun. The soul-searching I had to do this week is something I never want to repeat again. I cannot have his baby...I will not...the idea of being chained to him forever is more than I can bear. I just want us to end this lease and make a clean break from each other. God help me.
My period, for the most part, has been pretty regular these last 10 or 12 years...every week or so, it lags by a day or two...nothing too scary but once in a while it does give me the fright of my life.
I expected it on 3/16/10 but did not despair once St.Patrick's Day rolled around...the following night Dan and I had another row about the windows being shut at night...I parked myself in the living room, totally ready to sleep with a window open and on our fold-out couch...after a few threats and tears, we compromised and he agreed to keep the bedroom one open at least half-way if I agreed to come back and sleep with him....still no period the morning after that debacle...and so and so on...I started to panic on the 19th....the thought of having Danny's unborn, bastard child inside of me was chilling...a million thoughts swirled in my head...most of them circled around the idea of aborting this possible baby and wondering how I'd ever live with that foul secret.
By the 20th, I was falling into deeper despair. Still no period and I was imagining what it would be like to be pregnant. I looked at myself sideways in the mirror and saw my protruding, bloated belly...that can't be a kid in there already, could it? I mean, that had to be PMS bloating...I'm 6 days late...there's no way I'm carrying a kid in there. All these symptoms spelled out menstruation...but they also could horribly be the early stages of pregnancy. I mourned my future. I drove over to pick up Dan for a hockey game and I cried on my way there...silently and bitterly...I would never forgive myself for killing my own child...abortion was all well and good for other younger, more irresponsible girls...but not me...I couldn't do it...I felt like I was sending myself directly to hell. How could I disobey God and throw away my chance to be return to the Catholic church? I couldn't throw away my entire faith...but squelching that little life would let me continue mine without my mom being enormously disappointed in me...or Dan's family, too.
(sigh) Either way, they'd hate me...they'd hate us...because this would be half of Dan's problem, too.
I could never let my child be adopted...I would miss it forever.
Agreeing to keep it and make Dan marry me sounded even more disastrous. We fight too much in secret...I already have lied, cheated and betrayed him....how can I use that as a foundation to raise a child? The idea of being a pregnant/shot gun bride disgusted me, too. I would be trapped and shackled to Dan for the rest of my child's life. I prayed and prayed for my period to start. I squeezed my eyes tight at night and begged God not to let me be pregnant. Don't let this be true.
Sunday morning came and still no period. I wanted to die.
Finally, I got my period on Sunday in the afternoon. I almost fell off the toilet. It was the most amazing feeling. Like I beat the buzzer before sinking the game winning shot at a Laker game. I was beaming the rest of the day. Dan was happy. I was happy. Life was good again.
I must have thanked God a million times at church on Sunday. My mom told me she had lit a candle for me, unrelated to all this of course. Prayers can be answered. I hope this doesn't ever happen again.
As I saw my future go down in flames during this whole ordeal, Edgar expressed his skill of texting me with impeccable timing. I mean that sarcastically, of course--
Edgar: Hey
Me: Hey there
Edgar: What r u up to?
Me: Shopping.
Edgar: Buy me something good.
Me: Haha...maybe some lingerie. But that's more for me, I think you'd enjoy it. We'll talk later, handsome. Stay out of trouble.
I'm getting better. At least I haven't made plans to see him in person so I could fuck his brains out...arghhhh...why does he keep pestering me?
Pregnancy scares are NOT fun. The soul-searching I had to do this week is something I never want to repeat again. I cannot have his baby...I will not...the idea of being chained to him forever is more than I can bear. I just want us to end this lease and make a clean break from each other. God help me.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Pull over...there's a reason why my soul's unsound...
Perhaps if I'm going to curb my addiction and keep my Lenten promise, I should think about abandoning Facebook until after Easter. Facebook is an enabler, me thinks. It was my first day of sobriety from my exploits with Edgar when I got this little dandy on my profile page:
Edgar just answered a question about you!
Edgar is answering questions about their friends. You can play to find out what your friends really think about you.
I can smell Facebook spam from a mile away...I knew it was a scam yet I needed to know what he had said about me...I maneuvered myself around the site but any hopes of finding a loophole were fruitless. Beaten by a cheap Facebook app. I resigned myself that now I'd never know...would it be so bad if I tried to swindle the information out of him? I broke one of my rules and replied back:
I say cut the suspense and just tell me what you answered..haha.
Yesterday at 8:52pm
Ughhh noooo. Now I've done it...I've opened the lines of communication back up. Maybe he won't reply? Hmm? Maybe I can still maintain an air of control...
Well, I didn't. He sent me an instant chat message instead and my blood ran cold...
Edgar: i dont remember what i wrote
Me: lol. a likely story.
Edgar: what is your favorite simpson line?
Me: hmm. lemme think. thats a tough one. i can tell u my top 3
Edgar: go for it
Me:"and you must be the man who couldn't tell if it was a pimple or a boil"...."it was a gummy bear."
Edgar: lol ok thats a good one
Me: "shut up or we'll put you in that home we saw on 60 minutes." ..."i'll be good." (crooked home, i think homer says)
Edgar: how about "and your happy with your appearance? my dear friend you're the fattest thing i ever saw, and i've been on safari." i just saw that and it had me crackin up
Me: loll!! yes!
Edgar: i started watching my old simpson dvd's and i have been rolling on the floor
Me: dude, it doesn’t get any better than early to mid simpsons. here's one more from me:
Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?
TV Announcer: Next up, an hour-long episode of "Mama's Family."
Homer: Yes!
Edgar: lol, what about this one? Homer: To find flanders i have to think like flanders, I am four eyed lamo and i wear the same stupid sweater every day..the springfield river!
Me: ahhh...yes!! "godspeed little cheese doodle." flanders has some good ones...or ones where homer talks about him
Edgar: lol
Me: alright i gotta go. "Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it." lol. nitey nite. Bye.
Edgar: sweet dreams
I had to go because Danny was looking over my shoulder, trying to read what I was laughing at on the computer. I hate when people do that. I navigated away and got ready for bed. Edgar's parting comment had me swooning..."sweet dreams" he had said. I could just imagine him saying that to me, with a grin on his face and a glint in his eye. I could almost feel him murmur those words near my ear..."sweet dreams...sweet dreams."
His itty-bitty typed words echoed in my brain for the rest of the night. Danny thought it would be funny to tussle around with me before bed, tickling me and poking me. It rapidly got annoying, especially since my brain and heart were trying to savor Ed's words. Danny was on my last nerve when I accidentally smacked him on the side of head. Of course he got mad and told me I had taken things too far. I haphazardly tried to apologize but it didn't sound at all sincere coming from me. I genuinely did feel bad but my desire to be left alone superseded my feelings of sympathy and remorse. Besides, no amount of explaining would wipe away Dan's pouting. I rolled over and fell asleep.
By this morning, all was forgotten and Dan tried to surprise me with tickets to see Conan O'Brien next month. Too bad his security code on his credit card didn't work and I had to buy the tickets instead. He swears he'll pay me back. Whatever.
The more I tried to steer away from Edgar, the more erratic my behavior gets. I am a little scared of what I'm becoming.
Edgar just answered a question about you!
Edgar is answering questions about their friends. You can play to find out what your friends really think about you.
I can smell Facebook spam from a mile away...I knew it was a scam yet I needed to know what he had said about me...I maneuvered myself around the site but any hopes of finding a loophole were fruitless. Beaten by a cheap Facebook app. I resigned myself that now I'd never know...would it be so bad if I tried to swindle the information out of him? I broke one of my rules and replied back:
I say cut the suspense and just tell me what you answered..haha.
Yesterday at 8:52pm
Ughhh noooo. Now I've done it...I've opened the lines of communication back up. Maybe he won't reply? Hmm? Maybe I can still maintain an air of control...
Well, I didn't. He sent me an instant chat message instead and my blood ran cold...
Edgar: i dont remember what i wrote
Me: lol. a likely story.
Edgar: what is your favorite simpson line?
Me: hmm. lemme think. thats a tough one. i can tell u my top 3
Edgar: go for it
Me:"and you must be the man who couldn't tell if it was a pimple or a boil"...."it was a gummy bear."
Edgar: lol ok thats a good one
Me: "shut up or we'll put you in that home we saw on 60 minutes." ..."i'll be good." (crooked home, i think homer says)
Edgar: how about "and your happy with your appearance? my dear friend you're the fattest thing i ever saw, and i've been on safari." i just saw that and it had me crackin up
Me: loll!! yes!
Edgar: i started watching my old simpson dvd's and i have been rolling on the floor
Me: dude, it doesn’t get any better than early to mid simpsons. here's one more from me:
Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?
TV Announcer: Next up, an hour-long episode of "Mama's Family."
Homer: Yes!
Edgar: lol, what about this one? Homer: To find flanders i have to think like flanders, I am four eyed lamo and i wear the same stupid sweater every day..the springfield river!
Me: ahhh...yes!! "godspeed little cheese doodle." flanders has some good ones...or ones where homer talks about him
Edgar: lol
Me: alright i gotta go. "Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it." lol. nitey nite. Bye.
Edgar: sweet dreams
I had to go because Danny was looking over my shoulder, trying to read what I was laughing at on the computer. I hate when people do that. I navigated away and got ready for bed. Edgar's parting comment had me swooning..."sweet dreams" he had said. I could just imagine him saying that to me, with a grin on his face and a glint in his eye. I could almost feel him murmur those words near my ear..."sweet dreams...sweet dreams."
His itty-bitty typed words echoed in my brain for the rest of the night. Danny thought it would be funny to tussle around with me before bed, tickling me and poking me. It rapidly got annoying, especially since my brain and heart were trying to savor Ed's words. Danny was on my last nerve when I accidentally smacked him on the side of head. Of course he got mad and told me I had taken things too far. I haphazardly tried to apologize but it didn't sound at all sincere coming from me. I genuinely did feel bad but my desire to be left alone superseded my feelings of sympathy and remorse. Besides, no amount of explaining would wipe away Dan's pouting. I rolled over and fell asleep.
By this morning, all was forgotten and Dan tried to surprise me with tickets to see Conan O'Brien next month. Too bad his security code on his credit card didn't work and I had to buy the tickets instead. He swears he'll pay me back. Whatever.
The more I tried to steer away from Edgar, the more erratic my behavior gets. I am a little scared of what I'm becoming.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Catholic guilt
I've given up Edgar for Lent.
No talking to him, no answering his calls, no chatting on Facebook, no commenting on his stuff...no.
no.
NO.
NO!!!
I should have made this declaration sooner...but better late than never, I always say.
(sigh)
I can be strong. I can do this. He will not tempt me.
at least not until Easter...
No talking to him, no answering his calls, no chatting on Facebook, no commenting on his stuff...no.
no.
NO.
NO!!!
I should have made this declaration sooner...but better late than never, I always say.
(sigh)
I can be strong. I can do this. He will not tempt me.
at least not until Easter...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
She lives in a fairy tale somewhere too far for us to find...
I just realized that the name of the man Catherine marries instead of Heathcliff in "Wuthering Heights" is named Edgar...
The parallels are a little scary if you read this blog and then read the Wiki article about the novel. YIKES.
The parallels are a little scary if you read this blog and then read the Wiki article about the novel. YIKES.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Big Mouth Strikes Again: "Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking..."
Things are fine with Dan but every day something happens to him that reminds me I can't be with a man like that...like I'm just itching for a reason to break up with him.
In the past 6 months he's:
*lost his bank card
*lost his iPhone
*lost his keys
*had his wallet stolen
Just yesterday he lost his Boston Red Sox baseball cap.
He's a black hole. I don't think I could ever trust him with my stuff, much less an infant or a new house. I'm scared he'd lose important documents or wreck my car if we ever made a life together. I have nearly lost all sympathy for him...like the love fades every month...I feel we're just a little more gone every week that goes by.
I told my mom I was thinking of breaking up with Dan after the lease is over...she actually likes the idea and was happy to secretly tell my aunt. We mentioned it briefly Sunday morning. I didn't want to talk about it at all.
Left to my own devices on a rainy Saturday afternoon at my mom's, I decided to torture myself some more and see if I could get Edgar to come out and play:
me: Why does rain suck so much?
Edgar: It's just how u look at it i guess.
me: I suppose so. I'm stuck at my mom's house bored. Sorry to bug.
Edgar: LOL
me: Well, I'm in Whittier for the weekend. If you're not doing anything, we should go get coffee or a beer.
No response. Typical. It's to be expected. I forgot about the conversation and went out with my cousins for some much needed hang out time...the hours flew by and we were in the middle of a hilarious conversation at the local Denny's when I felt my phone vibrate...I was surprised to be getting a call so late...maybe it was Dan?
Nope. It was Edgar...at 12:11 in the morning...wanting to chat.
Instantly my blood turned to ice and I felt a panic wash over me...my cousins went on loudly with the conversation without me. I answered.
"What's up?" I whispered excitedly.
He scoffs, "What do you mean 'What's up?' Nothing...just calling to say hello...see how you're doing..."
A smile spreads across my face...I tell him I can't talk now but will return his call in a minute...
I know where this is going...at least I hope it's going there. I get everyone to head back home...I call him back 10 minutes later, already grabbing my make up bag and thinking of a game plan..
Right off the bat, he says he hates to disappoint but he can't meet me tonight for "coffee or beer"...our thinly veiled euphemism seems ridiculous now. I feel deflated and try to maintain a cheerful tone...he says he's been drinking tonight and can't really drive...I offer to go over to his place but as usual he shoots me down, always using the excuse that he doesn't want his family to know his business. Ugh...whatever.
We flirt and talk for a long while...I shuffle my feet and stay warm as I talk to him in the chilly Whittier air outside my mom's house. He makes me about the only promise I've ever heard him say...that we will see each other again and we will fuck one more time, at least. We reminisce briefly about what a magnificent fuck that was...it was truly epic.
I hang up and go inside...it's about 1:15 in the morning. I sigh and collapse into bed. I hate the way I feel about him...I crave him so much, agonize over the rejection, revel in the burning desire to smash every tooth in his fucking face...then feel nothing...then want him all over again.
In the past 6 months he's:
*lost his bank card
*lost his iPhone
*lost his keys
*had his wallet stolen
Just yesterday he lost his Boston Red Sox baseball cap.
He's a black hole. I don't think I could ever trust him with my stuff, much less an infant or a new house. I'm scared he'd lose important documents or wreck my car if we ever made a life together. I have nearly lost all sympathy for him...like the love fades every month...I feel we're just a little more gone every week that goes by.
I told my mom I was thinking of breaking up with Dan after the lease is over...she actually likes the idea and was happy to secretly tell my aunt. We mentioned it briefly Sunday morning. I didn't want to talk about it at all.
Left to my own devices on a rainy Saturday afternoon at my mom's, I decided to torture myself some more and see if I could get Edgar to come out and play:
me: Why does rain suck so much?
Edgar: It's just how u look at it i guess.
me: I suppose so. I'm stuck at my mom's house bored. Sorry to bug.
Edgar: LOL
me: Well, I'm in Whittier for the weekend. If you're not doing anything, we should go get coffee or a beer.
No response. Typical. It's to be expected. I forgot about the conversation and went out with my cousins for some much needed hang out time...the hours flew by and we were in the middle of a hilarious conversation at the local Denny's when I felt my phone vibrate...I was surprised to be getting a call so late...maybe it was Dan?
Nope. It was Edgar...at 12:11 in the morning...wanting to chat.
Instantly my blood turned to ice and I felt a panic wash over me...my cousins went on loudly with the conversation without me. I answered.
"What's up?" I whispered excitedly.
He scoffs, "What do you mean 'What's up?' Nothing...just calling to say hello...see how you're doing..."
A smile spreads across my face...I tell him I can't talk now but will return his call in a minute...
I know where this is going...at least I hope it's going there. I get everyone to head back home...I call him back 10 minutes later, already grabbing my make up bag and thinking of a game plan..
Right off the bat, he says he hates to disappoint but he can't meet me tonight for "coffee or beer"...our thinly veiled euphemism seems ridiculous now. I feel deflated and try to maintain a cheerful tone...he says he's been drinking tonight and can't really drive...I offer to go over to his place but as usual he shoots me down, always using the excuse that he doesn't want his family to know his business. Ugh...whatever.
We flirt and talk for a long while...I shuffle my feet and stay warm as I talk to him in the chilly Whittier air outside my mom's house. He makes me about the only promise I've ever heard him say...that we will see each other again and we will fuck one more time, at least. We reminisce briefly about what a magnificent fuck that was...it was truly epic.
I hang up and go inside...it's about 1:15 in the morning. I sigh and collapse into bed. I hate the way I feel about him...I crave him so much, agonize over the rejection, revel in the burning desire to smash every tooth in his fucking face...then feel nothing...then want him all over again.
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