I never felt so wicked as when I willed our love to die...

I feel like this week has put me in a near tail-spin of emotion...I hate this roller coaster feeling and I'm so glad I'm off it.

My period, for the most part, has been pretty regular these last 10 or 12 years...every week or so, it lags by a day or two...nothing too scary but once in a while it does give me the fright of my life.

I expected it on 3/16/10 but did not despair once St.Patrick's Day rolled around...the following night Dan and I had another row about the windows being shut at night...I parked myself in the living room, totally ready to sleep with a window open and on our fold-out couch...after a few threats and tears, we compromised and he agreed to keep the bedroom one open at least half-way if I agreed to come back and sleep with him....still no period the morning after that debacle...and so and so on...I started to panic on the 19th....the thought of having Danny's unborn, bastard child inside of me was chilling...a million thoughts swirled in my head...most of them circled around the idea of aborting this possible baby and wondering how I'd ever live with that foul secret.

By the 20th, I was falling into deeper despair. Still no period and I was imagining what it would be like to be pregnant. I looked at myself sideways in the mirror and saw my protruding, bloated belly...that can't be a kid in there already, could it? I mean, that had to be PMS bloating...I'm 6 days late...there's no way I'm carrying a kid in there. All these symptoms spelled out menstruation...but they also could horribly be the early stages of pregnancy. I mourned my future. I drove over to pick up Dan for a hockey game and I cried on my way there...silently and bitterly...I would never forgive myself for killing my own child...abortion was all well and good for other younger, more irresponsible girls...but not me...I couldn't do it...I felt like I was sending myself directly to hell. How could I disobey God and throw away my chance to be return to the Catholic church? I couldn't throw away my entire faith...but squelching that little life would let me continue mine without my mom being enormously disappointed in me...or Dan's family, too.

(sigh) Either way, they'd hate me...they'd hate us...because this would be half of Dan's problem, too.

I could never let my child be adopted...I would miss it forever.

Agreeing to keep it and make Dan marry me sounded even more disastrous. We fight too much in secret...I already have lied, cheated and betrayed him....how can I use that as a foundation to raise a child? The idea of being a pregnant/shot gun bride disgusted me, too. I would be trapped and shackled to Dan for the rest of my child's life. I prayed and prayed for my period to start. I squeezed my eyes tight at night and begged God not to let me be pregnant. Don't let this be true.

Sunday morning came and still no period. I wanted to die.

Finally, I got my period on Sunday in the afternoon. I almost fell off the toilet. It was the most amazing feeling. Like I beat the buzzer before sinking the game winning shot at a Laker game. I was beaming the rest of the day. Dan was happy. I was happy. Life was good again.

I must have thanked God a million times at church on Sunday. My mom told me she had lit a candle for me, unrelated to all this of course. Prayers can be answered. I hope this doesn't ever happen again.

As I saw my future go down in flames during this whole ordeal, Edgar expressed his skill of texting me with impeccable timing. I mean that sarcastically, of course--

Edgar: Hey
Me: Hey there
Edgar: What r u up to?
Me: Shopping.
Edgar: Buy me something good.
Me: Haha...maybe some lingerie. But that's more for me, I think you'd enjoy it. We'll talk later, handsome. Stay out of trouble.

I'm getting better. At least I haven't made plans to see him in person so I could fuck his brains out...arghhhh...why does he keep pestering me?

Pregnancy scares are NOT fun. The soul-searching I had to do this week is something I never want to repeat again. I cannot have his baby...I will not...the idea of being chained to him forever is more than I can bear. I just want us to end this lease and make a clean break from each other. God help me.