I am embarking on a dating experiment that will likely result in one or all parties having their heart broken. I can already sense the leading victim will be me..isn’t it always?
Flashback to last Friday: my friend Lauren and I decided to celebrate the acquisition of my new home in East L.A. with a trip to Das Bunker, a Friday-night-only type of deal at this club where they only play industrial music. Dan had expressed somewhat of a desire to go and so when I asked him, I was glad he agreed to (of course with some push and prodding). We had been hanging out as a couple the last couple of weekends with Lauren and Mike, so this felt like a totally normal thing to do. It should be known that the four of us hanging out always looks like an “enablers club”, as each of us couples have broken up and gotten back together more times than we’d like to remember. In a weird way, I feel as though Mike and Lauren understand our situation and won’t judge us. I guess we’re all addicted in a way...
Amid all the weirdly dressed people, there we were: two couples on a double date, dancing the night away and consuming large amounts of alcohol. It felt like coming back home as Dan and I sat side by side on a cushioned couch, watching a stripper work her way up and down the pole. Okay, so THAT was surreal...but in a good way. I think it’s kind of cool that Das Bunker encourages stripper pole use among their patrons. Dan and I agreed at the end of the night that we would definitely go back.
On the ride home we talked about a little bit of everything. Dan was already starting to slur his speech and nod off, which is no surprise to me since he drank copious amounts of liquor and it was way past his bedtime. I knew I had to spring into action before he fell asleep. Since I had him cornered in my car, I asked him point-blank what was going and what was his final decision about us, did he want to get back together? Well, the answer I got wasn’t what I was hoping. After much cajoling, he said he didn’t want to say anything or put any labels on us for fear that branding us as a couple again would lead us right back to the arguments, the fighting and the breaking up. He said he didn’t like how black and white I made it all seem. He felt he liked this situation better, free of labels and status changes, where we just go out for a good time, have sex and don’t complicate it any further. He even told me that he’s not looking for a relationship and even if another girl came along, he would tell her the same thing. Well, as you can imagine, I was not visibly or emotionally pleased. I felt the tears start to stream down my cheeks as I gripped my steering wheel. I blurted it out that I missed him and loved him so much, that I would ALWAYS want more with him and that my plans with him didn’t include just “hanging out” forever. I still want to get married, get a house and have children. I can’t do that under these loose rules or with a non-committed relationship. I could tell he didn’t want me to rule him out because he kept insisting that there was nothing wrong with just us being together. And then something nice kind of nice happened as I kept crying. He brushed my hair back and touched my face. I turned to him and he said I was being a silly girl for not realizing he still wanted to be with me. He said I should never think of myself as a “booty call” or “fuck buddy.” Not anymore, at least. He then told me he loved me very much, too and that I was beautiful, which I had not heard in MONTHS. It actually felt like years since the last time I heard him say those kind of things. I blame it on the fact that he was obviously a little drunk. Alcohol (and lots of it) is Dan’s truth serum. He then began to tell me how much he liked having sex with me and all that other stuff that I’m a little too embarrassed to repeat. We both agreed that the sex was never the problem, so why give it up? At the very end there as the conversation deteriorated into a laundry list of sexual deeds that we needed to keep doing, I told him I was serious about having a baby. He’s the only guy I’ve ever considered having a kid with (both in a good and bad light). He agreed that if by 32 neither one of us has a kid, Dan will gladly knock me up. He was very excited at the prospect of our “super smart” child.
I let him go at that point and told him to get to bed. I knew he had to pee really bad and had already developed a massive erection during our sex talk. I joked that I was rubbing his magic lamp through his pants to which he replied that his penis really only grants one wish. I laughed like an idiot and kissed him goodbye.
(sigh) Did I solve anything? Ehhh, kinda. I now have the information to make a decision. I know where he stands. I don’t mind dating Dan and keeping it fun but now I won’t fool myself into thinking he wants more than just a casual girlfriend. I won’t allow myself to be strung along. And I won’t hesitate to drop him the split second I find a guy who truly wants to be committed to me.
Speaking of which…..
I tried to shake Jay off by telling him it was unfair to keep talking to him if I was in love with someone else. He didn’t take it well and spent a good half hour trying to convince me that Dan is not the right guy for me. He poured his little heart out to me but I could care less. I wanted to get rid of him! I ended our conversation on a vague note, explaining that I needed more time to think. That meant I didn’t speak or text Jay all weekend. But by Monday, I caved (more because of guilt) and called him. I missed talking to someone and I felt really shitty ignoring him since my #1 complaint with guys is that they ignore me all the time. I resumed communication with Jay and things are peachy. I expect nothing from him and I have no real intention of taking things any further. I shamelessly only like having him around because he makes me feel better about myself and he keeps me company every night. I told Jay about Dan’s revelation and that did not sit well, either. He insisted that Dan was lying and he only wants a friend with benefits with no strings attached. (shrugs) He can think whatever he wants; ultimately it’s my decision and my heartbreak right? Jay doesn’t know shit.
The experiment I alluded to earlier is all this: keep Dan around for the physical comfort and companionship while Jay would serve as a distraction. Even on paper, this seems like a terrible idea and everyone involved could stand to have their heart broken, but I don’t know what else to do about it. Dan’s not going to change and Jay isn’t going to magically become all sophisticated over night. I am done trying to get boys to change. I am done kissing toads and hoping the next one will be the “right” one. We’ll see how long I can keep this wacky tandem up before I become emotionally exhausted. Or find the man of my dreams. I know he’s out there. And when I do find him, I know I won’t need to nit-pick him apart and compartmentalize his attributes. I know that when I find the perfect guy for me, there won’t be anymore silly games: it will all feel right.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I've been careless with my delicate man....
I.Have.Got.To.Get.Rid.Of.Jay.
Not kidding, the kid doesn't even live in this state and I feel smothered.
We call each other every day, he out of excitement and me out of politeness.
He text me almost every day, always with some annoying pet name. UGHHH.
We've asked each other personal things to get to know each other and the more I know about him, the less I like. I should have continued with my gut and not given him a chance again...but oy vey, I didn't think he'd end up being so annoying.
He's so nuts over me and I'm just very meh about the whole thing. I'm not very attracted to him and I really don't care for his personality a whole lot...maybe to be friends with but not to start a budding romance. I need to squash this thing pronto.
OH AND DID I MENTION HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB AND DIDN'T FINISH COLLEGE?!?
Fuck. No.
If I wanted a loser, I'd stick to the ones here.
Yeah, yeah I'm harsh....but I need to move forward in life, not go backwards. Don't I deserve to reach up?
Also....the more I talk to Jay, the more I realize I still truly am in love with Dan. We're supposed to go out tomorrow with some of our friends. I really hope he doesn't cancel on me....I need to ask him where we stand. I tried asking last Saturday but he dodged me like a bullet. He needs to stop being so vague.
I hate being a woman sometimes. We always go for the assholes.
Not kidding, the kid doesn't even live in this state and I feel smothered.
We call each other every day, he out of excitement and me out of politeness.
He text me almost every day, always with some annoying pet name. UGHHH.
We've asked each other personal things to get to know each other and the more I know about him, the less I like. I should have continued with my gut and not given him a chance again...but oy vey, I didn't think he'd end up being so annoying.
He's so nuts over me and I'm just very meh about the whole thing. I'm not very attracted to him and I really don't care for his personality a whole lot...maybe to be friends with but not to start a budding romance. I need to squash this thing pronto.
OH AND DID I MENTION HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB AND DIDN'T FINISH COLLEGE?!?
Fuck. No.
If I wanted a loser, I'd stick to the ones here.
Yeah, yeah I'm harsh....but I need to move forward in life, not go backwards. Don't I deserve to reach up?
Also....the more I talk to Jay, the more I realize I still truly am in love with Dan. We're supposed to go out tomorrow with some of our friends. I really hope he doesn't cancel on me....I need to ask him where we stand. I tried asking last Saturday but he dodged me like a bullet. He needs to stop being so vague.
I hate being a woman sometimes. We always go for the assholes.
Friday, January 14, 2011
This town don’t feel mine… I'm fast to get away far….
I think I may have created a monster. I’m pretty sure I (somewhat unintentionally) made a guy start to fall for me. I have toyed with someone’s emotions. Uh-oh.
If you remember, back in September, I soundly rejected this guy named Jason. He’s a dude I had hooked up with in the summer of 2004 in New York City. At the time he was good friends with Sean, a guy I had harbored a gigantic crush on. Things with Sean did not pan out during my trip and so I fell into the arms (and lap) of Jay. I kept minimal contact with him over the years and pretty much ignored him...until September of last year. Suddenly he was very much interested in me and begged to come visit. I vehemently said NO, mainly because I knew he was only after scoring some ass. I didn’t even like him or find him attractive. I guess more than anything I had bigger fish to fry and Jay was sounding more and more like a creep. We rarely spoke after that and he’d comment from time to time on different pictures and statuses, remarking how pretty I looked. Ehhh, I was not convinced.
A few days ago, I posted some pictures of myself all dressed up for Christine and Eric’s wedding. I was greeted with a personal message from Jay:
Jay: You are so unbelievably hot […]!!! Really you are.. No joke..
I could have ignored this or just briefly thanked him..but nope, I took the bait.
Me: Awww. You are too sweet. I guess those wedding pics weren't half bad...I can only assume that's the inspiration for this comment. :)
I gotta move out of California. I am not appreciated here. All I get are weirdos and guys who don't respect me nor want to spend any time with me. Why can't you live here!?!
And don't say I need to move to NY. It's too cold. Hahahah!
And so began the following exchange where I totally crapped out and gave in:
Jay: lolol...well u dont need 2 move to N.Y. at least to the east coast...move to Florida.. or something ..geez...i seriously think we would be perfect together lol..not being creepy or anything ..but fuck...u everything i look for in a girl...u got the looks i want...and ur personality is awesome and sweet too
p.s. i really really freaking regret u convincing me not to see u in cali. lol shame on u
Me: I think we'd make a good team, too. My theory is that people often break up or get pissed in their relationships because they don't base it on a good friendship or a mutual respect. That's not the explanation for EVERY break up, but at least most I've seen.
Jay, you're a great guy....you're too freaking funny and you always tell it like it is. I know it was shitty of me to convince you not to come out...but believe me, it was the best thing for us. I won't get into too much detail. How about this...how about we keep getting to know each other better? We should talk on the phone or something one of these. From what I remember, you had a cute NY accent. Phone date, come on...you know you wanna!
Jay: Lol ok I can dig the phone date..but what r we getting out of that ...just phone buddies lol...I'm a hot blooded male ..I would at least want to meet u..So I can repay u for that blow job in my car..and trust me whenever wherever i leave u ...ur going to have a smile on ur face ;-)
Yes... I do agree with the friendship thing b4 a relationship ...but I dunno ...shit.I really wanna get out of NY and I'm sure I can find a place to stay in Cali ;-) and I'm sure me and u would hook up and it will be wonderful
I dunno what that last paragraph was about I'm just rambling...mostly it's cuz I'm sick of the chicks here it's either barely legal bitches that can't hold a convo. or 23-25 year old girls that can't leave their high school drama lives behind..
Man when I met u for the first time...I was like...ugh really Sean is trying to get with her...cuz u r wayyyy too good for him and when we started to talk at the mall I was like ...I'm really digging her and then we hooked up and stuff and that was it.. I was blown away..Then we grown distant and stuff but everytime u made a facebook status and posted up new pics ..I always thought to myself ...Dam the one that got away..
Okay this message went way too long and it's just me rambling lol..so yes on the phone date and hopefully I can reel u in for at least a weekend or week or something ;-) cuz I really don't wanna let u go again.
Yeah, so his spelling is bad and his grammar is atrocious...but the things we girls put up with for pretty words and ego boosts:
Me: I don't mind rambling e-mails. I appreciate it!
And I understand your frustration with the opposite sex. The guys here are so superficial. Why pay attention to me when they can get that same barely legal girl to follow them around like a puppy dog? I am forever being ignored or rudely blown off for no reason. This is something we can discuss over the phone!
And just being "phone buddies" is not all we can offer each other. I just feel we need to get to know each other better before we make a huge leap like having you spend money on a trip out here. You say I'm good for you or whatever, but don't you want to be absolutely sure? I also want to feel comfortable with you and not rush into getting sexual like we did last time. Believe me that part of my personality has gotten me more broken hearts than I'd like to think of. Argh.
As for the Sean thing...hahahah....I don't know if I'm really "too good" for him. He continues to be an old friend of mine. Oh well!
So yes on the phone date you said. Pick a time and date. Just remember I'm always 3 hours behind. :)
Jay: Yea I do agree on with the whole lets not rush it thing, and trust me i would never blow you off like those idiots over there. You are definitely a one of a kind girl. Meaning you can chill with me like one of the guys but also your are absolutely beautiful and sweet like I want in a girl, and most of all you have a head on your shoulders and know what’s going on in the world.
So a date hmmm...i guess tonight or tomorrow is fine i don't care about time. I'm not a very good sleeper so im up at all times of the night. Just tell me lol
Me: Expect a call tomorrow night. Probably around 8:30 pm or so PST. Talk to you then! :)
Jay: k baby ..im excited!!
I figured if I called his bluff and got him on the phone, he’d be a total bore and I would find it easier to blow him off or tell him I’m not interested at all.
But surprisingly, I kept an open mind and we had a great conversation on Wednesday night. There were no awkward pauses or dead air. Jay wasn’t at all creepy or pushy. He was very much a gentleman and though he can be a bit direct sometimes, at least he was honest and didn’t bullshit me. I never realized it, but we actually have tons in common. He was very sweet and kept telling me I was the perfect girl for him. All I could do was laugh...what does he know?
Also, I’m not used to being complimented or praised at all. I tend to poke holes in most nice things guys say to me because I feel like it’s all a ploy to get me to fuck them. All through this summer, fall and winter I have digested the comments and appreciated them but I knew it was all part of the thrilling process of landing someone in bed. I enjoyed hearing them but I wasn’t going to build my whole life around it.
It’s weird, but I felt safe knowing Jay was thousands of miles away. I felt like I could be flirty without immediately eliciting a response (or erection) and then eventually falling into sex. The art of conversation is more or less dead in today’s media-soaked world, so I value good dialogue. I really felt like I got it on Wednesday night...and that’s why I invited him back for Thursday night. I needed to make sure it wasn’t a fluke! And sure enough, the second conversation was just as awesome if not better than the first. We nerded out on our love for the Deftones and had some great deep conversations about our personal lives, goals, fears, bad habits and future endeavors.
So is this more of the same? Am I now going to proclaim I belong to the wrong state...again? I don’t know. I think I want to keep getting to know this guy. I won’t try to get all caught up in the pretty words and girly squeals of excitement. I will try to remain as vigilant as possible without being too darn skeptical. Jay seems like he’s crazy over me and keeps playfully threatening to move out to California to be with me. Let’s see how he feels after he chases me over the phone for a few more weeks or months. Chances are he’ll grow tired of it and go back to normal, like every single other one before him.
But damn it, doesn’t it feel good be chased?! I LOVE IT!!
If you remember, back in September, I soundly rejected this guy named Jason. He’s a dude I had hooked up with in the summer of 2004 in New York City. At the time he was good friends with Sean, a guy I had harbored a gigantic crush on. Things with Sean did not pan out during my trip and so I fell into the arms (and lap) of Jay. I kept minimal contact with him over the years and pretty much ignored him...until September of last year. Suddenly he was very much interested in me and begged to come visit. I vehemently said NO, mainly because I knew he was only after scoring some ass. I didn’t even like him or find him attractive. I guess more than anything I had bigger fish to fry and Jay was sounding more and more like a creep. We rarely spoke after that and he’d comment from time to time on different pictures and statuses, remarking how pretty I looked. Ehhh, I was not convinced.
A few days ago, I posted some pictures of myself all dressed up for Christine and Eric’s wedding. I was greeted with a personal message from Jay:
Jay: You are so unbelievably hot […]!!! Really you are.. No joke..
I could have ignored this or just briefly thanked him..but nope, I took the bait.
Me: Awww. You are too sweet. I guess those wedding pics weren't half bad...I can only assume that's the inspiration for this comment. :)
I gotta move out of California. I am not appreciated here. All I get are weirdos and guys who don't respect me nor want to spend any time with me. Why can't you live here!?!
And don't say I need to move to NY. It's too cold. Hahahah!
And so began the following exchange where I totally crapped out and gave in:
Jay: lolol...well u dont need 2 move to N.Y. at least to the east coast...move to Florida.. or something ..geez...i seriously think we would be perfect together lol..not being creepy or anything ..but fuck...u everything i look for in a girl...u got the looks i want...and ur personality is awesome and sweet too
p.s. i really really freaking regret u convincing me not to see u in cali. lol shame on u
Me: I think we'd make a good team, too. My theory is that people often break up or get pissed in their relationships because they don't base it on a good friendship or a mutual respect. That's not the explanation for EVERY break up, but at least most I've seen.
Jay, you're a great guy....you're too freaking funny and you always tell it like it is. I know it was shitty of me to convince you not to come out...but believe me, it was the best thing for us. I won't get into too much detail. How about this...how about we keep getting to know each other better? We should talk on the phone or something one of these. From what I remember, you had a cute NY accent. Phone date, come on...you know you wanna!
Jay: Lol ok I can dig the phone date..but what r we getting out of that ...just phone buddies lol...I'm a hot blooded male ..I would at least want to meet u..So I can repay u for that blow job in my car..and trust me whenever wherever i leave u ...ur going to have a smile on ur face ;-)
Yes... I do agree with the friendship thing b4 a relationship ...but I dunno ...shit.I really wanna get out of NY and I'm sure I can find a place to stay in Cali ;-) and I'm sure me and u would hook up and it will be wonderful
I dunno what that last paragraph was about I'm just rambling...mostly it's cuz I'm sick of the chicks here it's either barely legal bitches that can't hold a convo. or 23-25 year old girls that can't leave their high school drama lives behind..
Man when I met u for the first time...I was like...ugh really Sean is trying to get with her...cuz u r wayyyy too good for him and when we started to talk at the mall I was like ...I'm really digging her and then we hooked up and stuff and that was it.. I was blown away..Then we grown distant and stuff but everytime u made a facebook status and posted up new pics ..I always thought to myself ...Dam the one that got away..
Okay this message went way too long and it's just me rambling lol..so yes on the phone date and hopefully I can reel u in for at least a weekend or week or something ;-) cuz I really don't wanna let u go again.
Yeah, so his spelling is bad and his grammar is atrocious...but the things we girls put up with for pretty words and ego boosts:
Me: I don't mind rambling e-mails. I appreciate it!
And I understand your frustration with the opposite sex. The guys here are so superficial. Why pay attention to me when they can get that same barely legal girl to follow them around like a puppy dog? I am forever being ignored or rudely blown off for no reason. This is something we can discuss over the phone!
And just being "phone buddies" is not all we can offer each other. I just feel we need to get to know each other better before we make a huge leap like having you spend money on a trip out here. You say I'm good for you or whatever, but don't you want to be absolutely sure? I also want to feel comfortable with you and not rush into getting sexual like we did last time. Believe me that part of my personality has gotten me more broken hearts than I'd like to think of. Argh.
As for the Sean thing...hahahah....I don't know if I'm really "too good" for him. He continues to be an old friend of mine. Oh well!
So yes on the phone date you said. Pick a time and date. Just remember I'm always 3 hours behind. :)
Jay: Yea I do agree on with the whole lets not rush it thing, and trust me i would never blow you off like those idiots over there. You are definitely a one of a kind girl. Meaning you can chill with me like one of the guys but also your are absolutely beautiful and sweet like I want in a girl, and most of all you have a head on your shoulders and know what’s going on in the world.
So a date hmmm...i guess tonight or tomorrow is fine i don't care about time. I'm not a very good sleeper so im up at all times of the night. Just tell me lol
Me: Expect a call tomorrow night. Probably around 8:30 pm or so PST. Talk to you then! :)
Jay: k baby ..im excited!!
I figured if I called his bluff and got him on the phone, he’d be a total bore and I would find it easier to blow him off or tell him I’m not interested at all.
But surprisingly, I kept an open mind and we had a great conversation on Wednesday night. There were no awkward pauses or dead air. Jay wasn’t at all creepy or pushy. He was very much a gentleman and though he can be a bit direct sometimes, at least he was honest and didn’t bullshit me. I never realized it, but we actually have tons in common. He was very sweet and kept telling me I was the perfect girl for him. All I could do was laugh...what does he know?
Also, I’m not used to being complimented or praised at all. I tend to poke holes in most nice things guys say to me because I feel like it’s all a ploy to get me to fuck them. All through this summer, fall and winter I have digested the comments and appreciated them but I knew it was all part of the thrilling process of landing someone in bed. I enjoyed hearing them but I wasn’t going to build my whole life around it.
It’s weird, but I felt safe knowing Jay was thousands of miles away. I felt like I could be flirty without immediately eliciting a response (or erection) and then eventually falling into sex. The art of conversation is more or less dead in today’s media-soaked world, so I value good dialogue. I really felt like I got it on Wednesday night...and that’s why I invited him back for Thursday night. I needed to make sure it wasn’t a fluke! And sure enough, the second conversation was just as awesome if not better than the first. We nerded out on our love for the Deftones and had some great deep conversations about our personal lives, goals, fears, bad habits and future endeavors.
So is this more of the same? Am I now going to proclaim I belong to the wrong state...again? I don’t know. I think I want to keep getting to know this guy. I won’t try to get all caught up in the pretty words and girly squeals of excitement. I will try to remain as vigilant as possible without being too darn skeptical. Jay seems like he’s crazy over me and keeps playfully threatening to move out to California to be with me. Let’s see how he feels after he chases me over the phone for a few more weeks or months. Chances are he’ll grow tired of it and go back to normal, like every single other one before him.
But damn it, doesn’t it feel good be chased?! I LOVE IT!!
Monday, January 10, 2011
...and all the air is wrong, wrong redesigning a connection...
There's nothing quite like watching an old friend get married to remind you how far behind you are on the goal of obtaining the love of your life.
I shouldn't be so bitter. In fact, I know that weddings cause me to keep believing in the dream of having that special someone....but ugly, jealous thoughts always start to sink in. That foul train of thought also helps to introduce panicked notions that maybe I'm doing something wrong...but aren't I open enough? Aren't I adventurous enough? Don't I always strive to be positive when taking leaps of the heart? What's the matter? Why can't I find a prince charming in this city full of toads?
Ah, it's because I live in the wrong state....obviously.
Somehow I have tapped into this weird pipeline of boys that can never be mine. I have found the direct route to cute boy paradise and it runs from California straight to Wisconsin.
Yet again I had another romantic comedy moment...or series of moments that transpired throughout the day. Let me paint the setting for you:
There I am just having witnessed my old college buddy Christine marry her dream-boat (currently my favorite word) fiancé Eric. The ceremony was brief (yay!) and beautiful. The day was cloudy and a bit chilly. Once all the wedding guests shuffled into the reception hall for cocktails, the line for liquor grew tenfold. I am not one to shy away from an open bar, so I suffered through because I knew a Cap Codder would be in my near future. The bartender gave me a healthy dose of vodka and at that exact moment it was just me and my drink....mmmm...we were the only two people in the world! I can almost taste the vodka on my tongue when the guy next to me raises an eyebrow and says, "That's quite the bit of vodka in your drink." My flirting skills come on automatically once I've assessed his looks and demeanor within that split nanosecond. *Hmmm, cute boy. Sounds educated. Dressed nicely. Clearly he's one of the groomsmen. DO IT* I turn and face him with my drink gripped in my hand like a weapon, "Well, I'm quite the person. See ya!" I don't think he even knew what hit him; he laughs like a goof and says "Okay see ya around." I smile to myself as I breeze past him on heels. I mention the chance encounter to my best friend Caroline and she speculates the young man might be seeing a girl.
Ow. Okay, so I was a bit disappointed but strangely at peace with knowing I might have hit on a taken boy. Ah well! That didn't stop me from giggling with the bridesmaids, sharing some gossip, sucking back free drinks, taking hilarious pictures and dancing like a fool.
It was much to my surprise to see the cute boy from the bar sidle up to my group of girls and start dancing with us. At first it looked like he wanted to dance with all of us, but soon he was dancing with just me. I counted that as a personal victory and suddenly had to come to terms with the thought I might be helping someone commit adultery. Thankfully Caroline snagged a bit of key information: cute boy was single. Cute boy's name was Andrew. And cute boy seemed to be into me. I like this.
So again I found myself caught in the midst of a Wisconsin boy’s attention. Why are they so nice? Why do they always have to live so far from me?!? Ughhh. So much like I played it with Jonathan many months ago in Milwaukee, so would be Andrew's fate. Time to be as cool as a cucumber.
We danced to nearly every song that night. We took breaks here and there, but every time we charged the dance floor, there he was making the right amount of eye contact from his table and following my lead. At one point we sat at my table and made some brief introductory chit-chat. He seemed a little distracted and I thought for sure this would turn into a bust. Last call for alcohol sounded off and Andrew disappeared in the sea of thirsty 26 year olds. I was back on the dance floor loving my life and hating my shoes. My feet hurt!! But every song needed me! :)
Andrew caught up to me again and we finished the last dance song of the night. The last two were slow songs. I waited for him to retreat but he smiled and put his arm around my waist: "Come here" he said and we swayed to "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds Five. We talked as we danced from side to side. He seemed a little tipsy but otherwise very funny and smart. I did my best to keep the conversation interesting with just a hint of coy flirtation, my known specialty. Every daring little comment provoked a smile from Andrew and he'd squeeze my waist. The married couple danced right by us and I couldn't help but stare. Ahhhh, to be in love! I looked up at Andrew and smiled when he said California winters were way better than Wisconsin winters. This feeling right here is good, too I thought to myself. I can get used to this.
The wedding broke up around 10 pm and all of us girls began questioning what the game plane would be. Would there be an after party? It was agreed we'd all converge back at the hotel. I didn't know if I wanted to stay too long. The 1.5 hour drive back to Whittier would be dark and scary. Also my feet ached, even with the flats I was now sporting and there was no guarantee Andrew would even be there. Whatever. I was convinced anyway and was delighted to see familiar faces from the wedding in each of the hotel rooms we visited. We even ran into Andrew near the elevator as he was heading back down to the bar. We promised to meet him downstairs but never made it. We got caught up in wine drinking and fun conversation. Again, I played it cool and laughed it off whenever anyone asked if I was gonna "score" with Andrew. I don't like to jinx myself. Suddenly there's a knock at the door and who should show up but the man himself, armed with a glass full of Fat Tire ale. Now the games can truly begin.
Ah, how I love the thrill of getting it on. I stood facing Andrew and did my best not to teeter over in exhaustion. As soon as it was available, I snagged a spot next to him on one of the hotel beds. We sat side by side and laughed it up with the group, trading little pieces of gossip and stories about their mutual friends. I soon discovered Andrew was a 24 year old, third year law student. WHOA. This could possibly be the youngest and most educated dude I would ever bone. I had to do it. Even for the sheer possibility I could be granted that level of intelligence through osmosis. HAHAH! But even all our combined "smarts" and his postgraduate education couldn't provide a sound plan for sex. As I felt Andrew wrap his arm around my waist again and squeeze me at pleasing intervals, I knew the pressure was on. It was established that there was no room for us in the bridesmaid rooms and there was definitely no room with the groomsmen as it was soon known one of the guys was already sound asleep. Also, neither one of us had a condom. Nope. My chances of snagging an almost-lawyer were soon disappearing.
But then, aha! a break-through. I knew my Amex credit card was wiped cleaned and my sick days would soon be paid out at work. I had more than enough funds to get a room for the night. I also not-so-secretly texted Caroline and was able to secure a condom. Andrew also not-so-suavely grabbed a few from this guy Keith. Our plan was looking bright! We sat around with the group and chatted some more until it was time for bed. I was a bundle of nerves, so excited and a little afraid. The butterflies in my stomach felt like bats. Tonight had to be epic.
We walked down to the front desk, never pausing in our conversation. The lady at the front desk was an angel sent from heaven; she got us a non-smoking room with a king-sized bed and at a discount because we were with the wedding party. I felt a little bit like a sugar mama, whipping out my credit card like it was no big thing and signing off on a $140 hotel bill. Oh well! The things we do for good sex.
We get up to our room and I am very eager to start stripping away each piece of jewelry and kicking off my flats. Andrew follows suit and begins loosening his shirt and removing his shoes. We both climb on the big bed, still not breaking conversation. We talk about the wedding, the weather, friends and of course, each other. He tells me he’s a big Red Wings hockey fan and he’s impressed I know a lot about the sport since I am a fervent Kings fan. Unfortunately, I don’t really follow NFL football but that doesn’t stop him from talking about the Packers. We lie down and face each other. It feels like ages since I’ve been like this with a guy, just getting to know each other. I love that feeling of finding connections and making someone laugh. All hopes of seeing him again are dashed when I find out he’s leaving the next day (or rather, later that morning) on an 11 am flight back to Madison, Wisconsin. He has to go back to the cold, back to the snow and me back to reality. I resolve to make the most of his trip and am determined to give Andrew Briggs the best vacation of his life. I forget what we’re talking about or who said what, but there’s that slight awkward pause in our conversation where we both just know. I know I’m smiling as I lean over and feel him kiss me. And then it all begins: kissing like crazy with the taste of alcohol on our lips, hands everywhere, fingers unbuttoning dress shirts and suddenly I’m out of my dress. He’s at the foot of the bed dropping his pants and pulling his undershirt off. I find it ironic that things get even less awkward once we’re both practically naked. The feverish and reckless kissing goes on for a wonderfully long time and he buries his face in my boobs. When he comes up for air, I run the tip of my tongue all the way down the curve of his ear and I hear him groan in delight. I kiss his neck and run my left hand all the way down to the waistband of his boxer briefs. I ask him how he’s feeling as my fingertips hover over the crotch of his underwear. He laughs softly and says he feels great. I can already feel the hardening bulge of his erection. What a familiar feeling this is. The tingle of excitement shoots up my spine and I know there’s no turning back. I tell him he’s wearing far too much clothing and he instantly pulls off his black boxer briefs. My life would be easier if all boys would be this obedient. He lies back down and I waste no time working him with my mouth until he’s groaning over and over. He keeps his eyes tightly shut as I move my lips and tongue all the way down the length of his cock. Andrew makes about the cutest noises I’ve ever heard from a guy during a blow job. I decide to raise the stakes a little higher and a bit kinkier. I give him a backwards glance and tell him he’s more than welcome to give me a spanking as I suck him off. It’s hilarious how enthusiastic guys get when I tell them that! Sure enough he responds to my request with a few hard, cracking spanks on my ass. He hits pretty hard! I think about how sore my bottom is going to feel later as I feel another volley of stinging slaps. I shrug and find the sure fire way to make him stop: I deep throat the hell out of his dick. It was music to my ears to hear him gasp and cry out in surprise as I took him all the way down my throat. My gag reflex was acting up a bit since I had eaten so much at the wedding and I did embarrassingly burp at one point, which I know he both heard and felt. Gah! But in typical guy fashion he asked if everything was okay and was very sweet about it, saying it’s quite alright after I apologize for it. I wave him off, tell him I’m good to go and continue on. Once I felt he had received a sufficient level of fun, I got on my back and gave my jaw a much needed rest. Andrew leans over and kisses me in a pleasing manner of appreciation. He tries getting me off with his fingers but he was a bit uncoordinated and though I try showing him exactly what spot down there would make me scream like a porn star, he keeps brushing past it. I’m a bit displeased knowing I’m only a mere minutes away from orgasm, but I make the most of it. I decide his inconsistent caresses are just an inadvertent way of getting me sexually frustrated and even more eager to come. I sob every time he lingers too quickly on my clit. “There we go” he whispers in my ear which drives me crazy in a good way. God, I really want to fuck. I beg him to just do me now and he springs for the condom on the nightstand.
The actual sex was just a bit more maddening. He kept losing his erection and slipping out from inside me. There went our first wasted condom. I do my absolute very best to encourage him and soothe his bruised ego. I kiss him and offer to help as best I can. We try a second time (this time from behind) to get it on and though he can manage a few well-placed thrusts, he keeps going soft. OH WHISKEY DICK, I scream in my head as Andrew disposes of a second condom. “Yeah, I think I just had way too much to drink” he confesses as I go back to working on his dick. The taste of latex isn’t too bad and we’re able to get him rock hard again. He says he needs just a minute to get ready. It took a combination of a few things: him sucking on my nipples, jerking himself off and kissing me like a mad man. He whispers close to my ear, “God I want to fuck you so bad. It’s gonna be so hard and it’s gonna feel so good” and I just about die from excitement. That wonderful warmth seems to cover my entire body and I tell him I certainly hope so. I tell him I don’t mind skipping sex and just giving him fodder for his spank bank but he shakes his head and with a chuckle says, “Yes! But I’m greedy and want more!” Finally, he slips on the “third-times-a-charm” condom and I feel an extreme difference. I have to stifle my own scream as he thrusts mercilessly into me, all the while smiling to himself murmuring, “That’s it right here.” He hits that familiar spot so well, it actually hurts! Ahhhh, it’s worth the pain to see him on top of me, his face knotted and red. I feel the strength in his arms as he holds himself up to thrust harder and harder. I can’t keep quiet as he repeatedly fucks me, crying out and begging for more. He collapses on top of me, unable to hold himself up any longer and buries his face in my neck but never stops thrusting deep inside of me. I feel dizzy, hot, my mind is utter mush and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I’d finish. But just as I start to feel the rush of an incoming orgasm, Andrew asks if I can get on top. There are no words as I violently push him onto his back and ride his cock like my life depends on it. I look down at his face as I buck my hips, both of us moaning. And there it is. I see Andrew’s come face and it’s actually not that bad. He looks red, his brow knotted in concentration and his mouth kind of open, like he’s silently screaming or gasping for air. Sound finally comes out and he’s groaning in relief. “Did you come!?!” I ask excitedly as the first wave hits me. He nods quickly and that’s really all I need. I let my body take over and sigh loudly, “Fuck! I’m coming, too!!” and feel it envelop me. I involuntary feel myself contract on his cock and ask if he can feel that. He says yes and practically collapse on him. I roll off, all sweaty and frazzled as he sits up and pulls the condom off. I can’t stop saying, “Oh God. Oh fuck” and Andrew makes agreement noises at me. We fall back into bed and start with the always amazing post-coital talk. We cuddle under the sheets and he stops to fasten his mouth on my breasts again. He says, “In case you didn’t notice, I’m a bit of a boob guy.” I laugh and tell him it’s a good thing for me that he is. He also confesses that he has a thing for busty Latinas, which I very much appreciate. I reply that I coincidentally have a soft spot for cute, intelligent white guys. He grins and says it’s great I think he’s cute. We talk for a little while longer before we glance at the clock and decide that we should get some sleep. He says he’ll leave and go back to his room but I tell him he doesn’t have to. I kind of don’t want him to leave and I think he feels the same way.
It’s almost 2 am and he switches off the light; he motions for me to come closer and it feels weird to sleep against a guy like this. I place my head right under his neck and partly on his shoulder with my left arm draped across his chest. I am clearly not used to it and I whisper in the dark to him that he can tell me at anytime if I’m too heavy or if his arm falls asleep. He says not to worry and shepherds me in with his left arm. At first I’m too panicked but as I feel his chest rise and fall, I lull myself to sleep and will my brain to shut off. I noticed he’s just laying there on his back with just his undies on and no sheets covering him. I ask if he’s cold at all, because I’ve already got the warm bed sheets up to my chest. He says he’s fine, the perks of being a Wisconsinite. I tell him all Californians are thin-blooded and that I’d be freezing. We doze nicely for a few minutes before he slips out of bed around 2:30, apologizing that he has an early shuttle to the airport to catch. I don’t try to argue but sleepily watch him get dressed. He thanks me for making this an amazing trip and kisses me repeatedly as he tries to button his dress shirt back up. I tell him he’s very welcome and thank him as well for making it an unforgettable wedding. More kissing, followed by a joke about him being glad I came to the wedding and very glad I also “came” too. I flash him my boobs by pulling away the covers, just to be silly which makes him laugh and kisses me one last time. I roll over as he heads for the door. “Thank you so much!” he calls out one last time and I answer back partly muffled by my deliciously soft pillow, “No problem! Thanks to you, too!” I hear the door click and settle in for a beautiful sleep.
One night stands are rough for me, especially since I keep having them with these (seemingly) perfect guys. Ambition makes me so horny. I hate that I live in a city, in a huge fucking metropolis, where I have to beg for attention. Nobody locally here gives a shit about me and I’m fighting this uphill battle to retain the only boy who ever made me the center of his world. Ughhh. Where are all the Andrews here in Whittier? I just keep attracting the right boys but at the wrong time or wrong place.
Maybe I need to move to Wisconsin. Maybe I need to go whore myself off at the UCLA or USC School of law. But it’s not the same. Need I remind you of the continuing debacle that is called Edgar? Yeah, I don’t think so.
(SIGH) – So here I am, back in the confines of reality and with a new Facebook friend to admire from a distance. Well, I guess it’s better to have boned and lost than never to have boned at all.
I shouldn't be so bitter. In fact, I know that weddings cause me to keep believing in the dream of having that special someone....but ugly, jealous thoughts always start to sink in. That foul train of thought also helps to introduce panicked notions that maybe I'm doing something wrong...but aren't I open enough? Aren't I adventurous enough? Don't I always strive to be positive when taking leaps of the heart? What's the matter? Why can't I find a prince charming in this city full of toads?
Ah, it's because I live in the wrong state....obviously.
Somehow I have tapped into this weird pipeline of boys that can never be mine. I have found the direct route to cute boy paradise and it runs from California straight to Wisconsin.
Yet again I had another romantic comedy moment...or series of moments that transpired throughout the day. Let me paint the setting for you:
There I am just having witnessed my old college buddy Christine marry her dream-boat (currently my favorite word) fiancé Eric. The ceremony was brief (yay!) and beautiful. The day was cloudy and a bit chilly. Once all the wedding guests shuffled into the reception hall for cocktails, the line for liquor grew tenfold. I am not one to shy away from an open bar, so I suffered through because I knew a Cap Codder would be in my near future. The bartender gave me a healthy dose of vodka and at that exact moment it was just me and my drink....mmmm...we were the only two people in the world! I can almost taste the vodka on my tongue when the guy next to me raises an eyebrow and says, "That's quite the bit of vodka in your drink." My flirting skills come on automatically once I've assessed his looks and demeanor within that split nanosecond. *Hmmm, cute boy. Sounds educated. Dressed nicely. Clearly he's one of the groomsmen. DO IT* I turn and face him with my drink gripped in my hand like a weapon, "Well, I'm quite the person. See ya!" I don't think he even knew what hit him; he laughs like a goof and says "Okay see ya around." I smile to myself as I breeze past him on heels. I mention the chance encounter to my best friend Caroline and she speculates the young man might be seeing a girl.
Ow. Okay, so I was a bit disappointed but strangely at peace with knowing I might have hit on a taken boy. Ah well! That didn't stop me from giggling with the bridesmaids, sharing some gossip, sucking back free drinks, taking hilarious pictures and dancing like a fool.
It was much to my surprise to see the cute boy from the bar sidle up to my group of girls and start dancing with us. At first it looked like he wanted to dance with all of us, but soon he was dancing with just me. I counted that as a personal victory and suddenly had to come to terms with the thought I might be helping someone commit adultery. Thankfully Caroline snagged a bit of key information: cute boy was single. Cute boy's name was Andrew. And cute boy seemed to be into me. I like this.
So again I found myself caught in the midst of a Wisconsin boy’s attention. Why are they so nice? Why do they always have to live so far from me?!? Ughhh. So much like I played it with Jonathan many months ago in Milwaukee, so would be Andrew's fate. Time to be as cool as a cucumber.
We danced to nearly every song that night. We took breaks here and there, but every time we charged the dance floor, there he was making the right amount of eye contact from his table and following my lead. At one point we sat at my table and made some brief introductory chit-chat. He seemed a little distracted and I thought for sure this would turn into a bust. Last call for alcohol sounded off and Andrew disappeared in the sea of thirsty 26 year olds. I was back on the dance floor loving my life and hating my shoes. My feet hurt!! But every song needed me! :)
Andrew caught up to me again and we finished the last dance song of the night. The last two were slow songs. I waited for him to retreat but he smiled and put his arm around my waist: "Come here" he said and we swayed to "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds Five. We talked as we danced from side to side. He seemed a little tipsy but otherwise very funny and smart. I did my best to keep the conversation interesting with just a hint of coy flirtation, my known specialty. Every daring little comment provoked a smile from Andrew and he'd squeeze my waist. The married couple danced right by us and I couldn't help but stare. Ahhhh, to be in love! I looked up at Andrew and smiled when he said California winters were way better than Wisconsin winters. This feeling right here is good, too I thought to myself. I can get used to this.
The wedding broke up around 10 pm and all of us girls began questioning what the game plane would be. Would there be an after party? It was agreed we'd all converge back at the hotel. I didn't know if I wanted to stay too long. The 1.5 hour drive back to Whittier would be dark and scary. Also my feet ached, even with the flats I was now sporting and there was no guarantee Andrew would even be there. Whatever. I was convinced anyway and was delighted to see familiar faces from the wedding in each of the hotel rooms we visited. We even ran into Andrew near the elevator as he was heading back down to the bar. We promised to meet him downstairs but never made it. We got caught up in wine drinking and fun conversation. Again, I played it cool and laughed it off whenever anyone asked if I was gonna "score" with Andrew. I don't like to jinx myself. Suddenly there's a knock at the door and who should show up but the man himself, armed with a glass full of Fat Tire ale. Now the games can truly begin.
Ah, how I love the thrill of getting it on. I stood facing Andrew and did my best not to teeter over in exhaustion. As soon as it was available, I snagged a spot next to him on one of the hotel beds. We sat side by side and laughed it up with the group, trading little pieces of gossip and stories about their mutual friends. I soon discovered Andrew was a 24 year old, third year law student. WHOA. This could possibly be the youngest and most educated dude I would ever bone. I had to do it. Even for the sheer possibility I could be granted that level of intelligence through osmosis. HAHAH! But even all our combined "smarts" and his postgraduate education couldn't provide a sound plan for sex. As I felt Andrew wrap his arm around my waist again and squeeze me at pleasing intervals, I knew the pressure was on. It was established that there was no room for us in the bridesmaid rooms and there was definitely no room with the groomsmen as it was soon known one of the guys was already sound asleep. Also, neither one of us had a condom. Nope. My chances of snagging an almost-lawyer were soon disappearing.
But then, aha! a break-through. I knew my Amex credit card was wiped cleaned and my sick days would soon be paid out at work. I had more than enough funds to get a room for the night. I also not-so-secretly texted Caroline and was able to secure a condom. Andrew also not-so-suavely grabbed a few from this guy Keith. Our plan was looking bright! We sat around with the group and chatted some more until it was time for bed. I was a bundle of nerves, so excited and a little afraid. The butterflies in my stomach felt like bats. Tonight had to be epic.
We walked down to the front desk, never pausing in our conversation. The lady at the front desk was an angel sent from heaven; she got us a non-smoking room with a king-sized bed and at a discount because we were with the wedding party. I felt a little bit like a sugar mama, whipping out my credit card like it was no big thing and signing off on a $140 hotel bill. Oh well! The things we do for good sex.
We get up to our room and I am very eager to start stripping away each piece of jewelry and kicking off my flats. Andrew follows suit and begins loosening his shirt and removing his shoes. We both climb on the big bed, still not breaking conversation. We talk about the wedding, the weather, friends and of course, each other. He tells me he’s a big Red Wings hockey fan and he’s impressed I know a lot about the sport since I am a fervent Kings fan. Unfortunately, I don’t really follow NFL football but that doesn’t stop him from talking about the Packers. We lie down and face each other. It feels like ages since I’ve been like this with a guy, just getting to know each other. I love that feeling of finding connections and making someone laugh. All hopes of seeing him again are dashed when I find out he’s leaving the next day (or rather, later that morning) on an 11 am flight back to Madison, Wisconsin. He has to go back to the cold, back to the snow and me back to reality. I resolve to make the most of his trip and am determined to give Andrew Briggs the best vacation of his life. I forget what we’re talking about or who said what, but there’s that slight awkward pause in our conversation where we both just know. I know I’m smiling as I lean over and feel him kiss me. And then it all begins: kissing like crazy with the taste of alcohol on our lips, hands everywhere, fingers unbuttoning dress shirts and suddenly I’m out of my dress. He’s at the foot of the bed dropping his pants and pulling his undershirt off. I find it ironic that things get even less awkward once we’re both practically naked. The feverish and reckless kissing goes on for a wonderfully long time and he buries his face in my boobs. When he comes up for air, I run the tip of my tongue all the way down the curve of his ear and I hear him groan in delight. I kiss his neck and run my left hand all the way down to the waistband of his boxer briefs. I ask him how he’s feeling as my fingertips hover over the crotch of his underwear. He laughs softly and says he feels great. I can already feel the hardening bulge of his erection. What a familiar feeling this is. The tingle of excitement shoots up my spine and I know there’s no turning back. I tell him he’s wearing far too much clothing and he instantly pulls off his black boxer briefs. My life would be easier if all boys would be this obedient. He lies back down and I waste no time working him with my mouth until he’s groaning over and over. He keeps his eyes tightly shut as I move my lips and tongue all the way down the length of his cock. Andrew makes about the cutest noises I’ve ever heard from a guy during a blow job. I decide to raise the stakes a little higher and a bit kinkier. I give him a backwards glance and tell him he’s more than welcome to give me a spanking as I suck him off. It’s hilarious how enthusiastic guys get when I tell them that! Sure enough he responds to my request with a few hard, cracking spanks on my ass. He hits pretty hard! I think about how sore my bottom is going to feel later as I feel another volley of stinging slaps. I shrug and find the sure fire way to make him stop: I deep throat the hell out of his dick. It was music to my ears to hear him gasp and cry out in surprise as I took him all the way down my throat. My gag reflex was acting up a bit since I had eaten so much at the wedding and I did embarrassingly burp at one point, which I know he both heard and felt. Gah! But in typical guy fashion he asked if everything was okay and was very sweet about it, saying it’s quite alright after I apologize for it. I wave him off, tell him I’m good to go and continue on. Once I felt he had received a sufficient level of fun, I got on my back and gave my jaw a much needed rest. Andrew leans over and kisses me in a pleasing manner of appreciation. He tries getting me off with his fingers but he was a bit uncoordinated and though I try showing him exactly what spot down there would make me scream like a porn star, he keeps brushing past it. I’m a bit displeased knowing I’m only a mere minutes away from orgasm, but I make the most of it. I decide his inconsistent caresses are just an inadvertent way of getting me sexually frustrated and even more eager to come. I sob every time he lingers too quickly on my clit. “There we go” he whispers in my ear which drives me crazy in a good way. God, I really want to fuck. I beg him to just do me now and he springs for the condom on the nightstand.
The actual sex was just a bit more maddening. He kept losing his erection and slipping out from inside me. There went our first wasted condom. I do my absolute very best to encourage him and soothe his bruised ego. I kiss him and offer to help as best I can. We try a second time (this time from behind) to get it on and though he can manage a few well-placed thrusts, he keeps going soft. OH WHISKEY DICK, I scream in my head as Andrew disposes of a second condom. “Yeah, I think I just had way too much to drink” he confesses as I go back to working on his dick. The taste of latex isn’t too bad and we’re able to get him rock hard again. He says he needs just a minute to get ready. It took a combination of a few things: him sucking on my nipples, jerking himself off and kissing me like a mad man. He whispers close to my ear, “God I want to fuck you so bad. It’s gonna be so hard and it’s gonna feel so good” and I just about die from excitement. That wonderful warmth seems to cover my entire body and I tell him I certainly hope so. I tell him I don’t mind skipping sex and just giving him fodder for his spank bank but he shakes his head and with a chuckle says, “Yes! But I’m greedy and want more!” Finally, he slips on the “third-times-a-charm” condom and I feel an extreme difference. I have to stifle my own scream as he thrusts mercilessly into me, all the while smiling to himself murmuring, “That’s it right here.” He hits that familiar spot so well, it actually hurts! Ahhhh, it’s worth the pain to see him on top of me, his face knotted and red. I feel the strength in his arms as he holds himself up to thrust harder and harder. I can’t keep quiet as he repeatedly fucks me, crying out and begging for more. He collapses on top of me, unable to hold himself up any longer and buries his face in my neck but never stops thrusting deep inside of me. I feel dizzy, hot, my mind is utter mush and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I’d finish. But just as I start to feel the rush of an incoming orgasm, Andrew asks if I can get on top. There are no words as I violently push him onto his back and ride his cock like my life depends on it. I look down at his face as I buck my hips, both of us moaning. And there it is. I see Andrew’s come face and it’s actually not that bad. He looks red, his brow knotted in concentration and his mouth kind of open, like he’s silently screaming or gasping for air. Sound finally comes out and he’s groaning in relief. “Did you come!?!” I ask excitedly as the first wave hits me. He nods quickly and that’s really all I need. I let my body take over and sigh loudly, “Fuck! I’m coming, too!!” and feel it envelop me. I involuntary feel myself contract on his cock and ask if he can feel that. He says yes and practically collapse on him. I roll off, all sweaty and frazzled as he sits up and pulls the condom off. I can’t stop saying, “Oh God. Oh fuck” and Andrew makes agreement noises at me. We fall back into bed and start with the always amazing post-coital talk. We cuddle under the sheets and he stops to fasten his mouth on my breasts again. He says, “In case you didn’t notice, I’m a bit of a boob guy.” I laugh and tell him it’s a good thing for me that he is. He also confesses that he has a thing for busty Latinas, which I very much appreciate. I reply that I coincidentally have a soft spot for cute, intelligent white guys. He grins and says it’s great I think he’s cute. We talk for a little while longer before we glance at the clock and decide that we should get some sleep. He says he’ll leave and go back to his room but I tell him he doesn’t have to. I kind of don’t want him to leave and I think he feels the same way.
It’s almost 2 am and he switches off the light; he motions for me to come closer and it feels weird to sleep against a guy like this. I place my head right under his neck and partly on his shoulder with my left arm draped across his chest. I am clearly not used to it and I whisper in the dark to him that he can tell me at anytime if I’m too heavy or if his arm falls asleep. He says not to worry and shepherds me in with his left arm. At first I’m too panicked but as I feel his chest rise and fall, I lull myself to sleep and will my brain to shut off. I noticed he’s just laying there on his back with just his undies on and no sheets covering him. I ask if he’s cold at all, because I’ve already got the warm bed sheets up to my chest. He says he’s fine, the perks of being a Wisconsinite. I tell him all Californians are thin-blooded and that I’d be freezing. We doze nicely for a few minutes before he slips out of bed around 2:30, apologizing that he has an early shuttle to the airport to catch. I don’t try to argue but sleepily watch him get dressed. He thanks me for making this an amazing trip and kisses me repeatedly as he tries to button his dress shirt back up. I tell him he’s very welcome and thank him as well for making it an unforgettable wedding. More kissing, followed by a joke about him being glad I came to the wedding and very glad I also “came” too. I flash him my boobs by pulling away the covers, just to be silly which makes him laugh and kisses me one last time. I roll over as he heads for the door. “Thank you so much!” he calls out one last time and I answer back partly muffled by my deliciously soft pillow, “No problem! Thanks to you, too!” I hear the door click and settle in for a beautiful sleep.
One night stands are rough for me, especially since I keep having them with these (seemingly) perfect guys. Ambition makes me so horny. I hate that I live in a city, in a huge fucking metropolis, where I have to beg for attention. Nobody locally here gives a shit about me and I’m fighting this uphill battle to retain the only boy who ever made me the center of his world. Ughhh. Where are all the Andrews here in Whittier? I just keep attracting the right boys but at the wrong time or wrong place.
Maybe I need to move to Wisconsin. Maybe I need to go whore myself off at the UCLA or USC School of law. But it’s not the same. Need I remind you of the continuing debacle that is called Edgar? Yeah, I don’t think so.
(SIGH) – So here I am, back in the confines of reality and with a new Facebook friend to admire from a distance. Well, I guess it’s better to have boned and lost than never to have boned at all.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Missing you is like kissing cyanide...
Winter is in full swing and here's my revelation for the new year:
I am still in love with Dan.
It's a love that is bigger than me, stronger than anything I could ever imagine and it is now the most persistent thought in my head. I don't know what to do with it other than just let it all out.
That's about exactly what I did a few days as Dan and I exchanged presents. I couldn't hold it back anymore and I just blurted every little thing that had been welling up inside my heart.
I apologized for how I treated him. I explained as best I could why I exactly I wanted to get away from him. I told him I was wrong for doing it. And I told him I still loved him immensely....and could we give it a second try? (Or third? whatever)...
He didn't say anything. Just sat there, nodding and listening. Once I had expelled every frantic, love-stricken thought and cried a dozen days worth of tears, he looked at me and said "Well, it's getting late and you probably need to get home." I didn't demand anything. I agreed and we parted ways. I knew we couldn't hammer it all out in one night...he said he needed time to mull it over and think about what I had said. I was grateful for it and left for home.
I didn't think he'd want anything to do with me that entire week but instead we made plans to see Less Than Jake in February. Then we met up this past Saturday night for dinner. I felt so at ease, so happy, so wonderfully lucky and carefree. Everything just felt right, like this is where I truly belong.
Joni Mitchell was right, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?" Painfully, this is now the story of my life.
When we said goodnight, I asked if he had given any thought to what I had said the previous weekend. He said he had and had begun writing again because of it. I told him we'd speak about it later....it was late and he had to use the restroom.
I am a little terrified of what he might say. If he rejects me....I don't know what I'll do with myself at that point. I'm very resilient...but that might be a blow too big to bear. I guess I won't know until it happens.
If he accepts me, it will certainly be a long road to recovery. So many things about me need to change. So many things about him need to change, too. But most importantly, so much between us has to definitely change. We can't keep doing things as a couple like we used to. I just keep telling myself that those would be positive changes...
You must think I'm crazy...after all the complaints, squabbling and the utter catastrophe of the break up...here I am fighting to get my "worst enemy" back...but I don't think I'm crazy. I am sticking up for the love of my life, the greatest thing that's every happened to me.
I once told Dan many years ago, "Nothing easy is ever worth having." I am taking my own advice for once. I remain hopeful. I will do my best not to be so pragmatic about all this, as I always am....I am letting my heart lead.
I am still in love with Dan.
It's a love that is bigger than me, stronger than anything I could ever imagine and it is now the most persistent thought in my head. I don't know what to do with it other than just let it all out.
That's about exactly what I did a few days as Dan and I exchanged presents. I couldn't hold it back anymore and I just blurted every little thing that had been welling up inside my heart.
I apologized for how I treated him. I explained as best I could why I exactly I wanted to get away from him. I told him I was wrong for doing it. And I told him I still loved him immensely....and could we give it a second try? (Or third? whatever)...
He didn't say anything. Just sat there, nodding and listening. Once I had expelled every frantic, love-stricken thought and cried a dozen days worth of tears, he looked at me and said "Well, it's getting late and you probably need to get home." I didn't demand anything. I agreed and we parted ways. I knew we couldn't hammer it all out in one night...he said he needed time to mull it over and think about what I had said. I was grateful for it and left for home.
I didn't think he'd want anything to do with me that entire week but instead we made plans to see Less Than Jake in February. Then we met up this past Saturday night for dinner. I felt so at ease, so happy, so wonderfully lucky and carefree. Everything just felt right, like this is where I truly belong.
Joni Mitchell was right, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?" Painfully, this is now the story of my life.
When we said goodnight, I asked if he had given any thought to what I had said the previous weekend. He said he had and had begun writing again because of it. I told him we'd speak about it later....it was late and he had to use the restroom.
I am a little terrified of what he might say. If he rejects me....I don't know what I'll do with myself at that point. I'm very resilient...but that might be a blow too big to bear. I guess I won't know until it happens.
If he accepts me, it will certainly be a long road to recovery. So many things about me need to change. So many things about him need to change, too. But most importantly, so much between us has to definitely change. We can't keep doing things as a couple like we used to. I just keep telling myself that those would be positive changes...
You must think I'm crazy...after all the complaints, squabbling and the utter catastrophe of the break up...here I am fighting to get my "worst enemy" back...but I don't think I'm crazy. I am sticking up for the love of my life, the greatest thing that's every happened to me.
I once told Dan many years ago, "Nothing easy is ever worth having." I am taking my own advice for once. I remain hopeful. I will do my best not to be so pragmatic about all this, as I always am....I am letting my heart lead.
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