I wish I could take your hand and make it true....

I must be addicted to suffering.

So my date with Alfonso didn't go as predicted. First of all, he was driving his father's car and had come a long way to meet me for coffee, so I felt bad making him drive even further to meet me at my house. I figured at the end of the date, I could convince him into engaging in a little make out and backseat shenanigans.

My heart was beating so fast as I pulled up into the little shopping complex on Mednik and 3rd. The blood was rushing so hard, I swear I could hear it in my ears. As I gave myself a last minute glance in the rear view mirror, I said a little prayer in my head: "Please God, don't let me be disappointed."

I step out of my car into the bright sunshine and Alfonso's standing right there, turned away just enough so he can't see me yet. I suck in my stomach, straighten up my shirt and smooth my hair. I look and feel like a million bucks. Suddenly, he turns around and is surprised to see me standing there. "Hi there!" I squeak and it's on!!!

Usual chit chat and catch up. We sit outside on the patio, taking advantage of the beautiful, sunny December afternoon. It scarcely feels like winter here in Southern California. We talk a little about everything. He fills me in about returning to work at Arbour Hospital and how he's excited to work on a teacher grading app for the iPad with his computer/coding friends. I listen intently, concentrating....but my mind wanders. Oh, does it wander...

I can't take my eyes off of him!!! I glance all over, drinking in every little detail because I don't know when I'll ever see him again. He's just so FUCKING CUTE. Those sleepy brown eyes, that perfect mouth with the forgivable chapped lips, THAT BEARD, his skin is this perfect color...coffee & cream, paler than me because he's spent so many years away in Boston. He wears a flannel shirt with a black thermal underneath and beat up jeans. He's a vision. He quickens my pulse. His soft-spoken voice like music to my ears. Does he even realize I would knock this table over and ravage him completely?

He asks me about Dan. I try and explain without getting into too much detail. Now it's his turn to sit there and watch me as I talk. I can feel him looking at me, nodding his head and digesting all this nonsense. I try to be careful about what I say, since I know Alfonso still regards Dan as a good friend. I watch the expressions change on his face from thoughtful to worried to reassuring. In the end, I'm relieved he doesn't seem too put off. He gives me a few words of wisdom, encouraging me that yes: one day I will find the right person. "BUT IT'S YOU I WANT!!!" my brain thunders. "You're perfect for me, can't you see that? Can't you see I've been scheming after you for years? Can't you see how long I have suffered...waiting, biding my time, how my heart worked so hard to get over you and in a split second, you're here, and I just want to run away with you all over again?!!?!?"

I bite my lip. I say no such thing. It's time for him to go. Before he leaves me and walks right out of my life again, I ask to take a couple of pictures with him. He's always so gracious, always so accommodating. Then it's REALLY time for him to go. So I go for broke....it's now or never.

He bends down and hugs me. A nice, deep hug. I squeeze him in my arms. As I pull away, I just start to say a jumble of things and so does he. I look up at him and there's this pause. HOLY SHIT. DO IT NOW. I can feel my heart racing again, it just doesn't stop!

"I...I...kinda want to kiss you right now" I say softly but loud enough so that only he and I can hear.

He blushes and looks away, obviously caught off guard. "No...no...come on. Here. Look, I can kiss you like this" he says and plants a soft kiss on my right cheek, not even an inch from my mouth. The scratchiness of his beard is delightful. I could've died.

We hug again and pull away. I can't even look him in the face again as I tell him "Goodbye, don't be a stranger." As we both drive away in our cars, he waves at me. I wave back, gutted. How many times can you break a heart before it doesn't work anymore?

Just as I make it home, my eyes ready to cry but somehow unable, I get a text from him...

Alfonso: Hey, just feel I need to clarify. I'm kinda seeing someone, and my mind doesn't let me go there. So it wasn't a rejection at all =)

Hardly a consolation prize...oh well. I fire back a response after the appropriated time has passed and I've mourned the fucking I was willing to give him...

Me: She's a lucky gal. Sorry if I was too forward. But like I've said, given the opportunity or an opening...I just go for it. Can't blame me for trying :)

I go out to dinner and shopping with my friend Sandy, because I need a shoulder to cry on. I try to make sense of it all, but it's just too much. (sigh) I'm wounded. Then suddenly a text.

Alfonso: Can't blame you =)

I give up trying to decipher what he means. I just lay it to rest and try my best to forget. But it's so hard when I can still feel the kiss stinging near the corner of my mouth or the warmth, weight and smell of his embrace. Whoever this mystery girl is, I just want her to know she's the most fortunate bitch on the face of the Earth.

Hmmm. At least I have pictures to console me:





In the New Year, in 2012, I want to stop this cycle and this hero worshiping. No more one night stands and fucking on the first date. I'm going to take the plunge and sign up on match.com or e-harmony. I want a man who can commit, who won't leave in the morning....I want something real.

Froze asleep. Coma deep. I dream I'm not out with you...

I hate how my relationships seems to end before they even begin.

Things with Ryan are...at a standstill.

He never showed up to my birthday party, even after saying he'd "tetris some stuff around" to be there. Instead, he went off to karaoke with his friends and never called. I wished him a Merry Christmas and all he could text back was "Okie dokie."

Don't even know why I bought him a Christmas present. I'm just gonna return the black dress socks he so badly needs. Guhh. I'm always so stupid and gullible. I only want attention from emotionally unavailable guys. I only like guys who reject me totally.

It came as a predicted, yet painfully clear, conclusion that Ryan only wants me around for sex. We only hang out when he wants to, when he's out of options and when he feels like it. I had high hopes...but slowly, he's revealed himself to be another selfish, immature dick. My contacts list on my phone is a whole graveyard full of those type of guys.

As we sat around pounding drinks on Friday, my friend Lauren's on again/off again boyfriend Mike remarked that Ryan is a "player" and that he was worried for me. I mean, I'm no damsel in distress...I thought I could handle myself...but instead, I'm sitting here with a broken heart. AGAIN. I let my guard down too fast. I got overly excited. I stripped away the hard shell and had my insides ripped out. This is painful.

At the end of the night, we hung out at Mike's apartments...getting high and pondering life. Mike's friend KG had joined us. He spent the better half of the night staring at my boobs. By about 3 am, he confessed that he lusted after me. I had already spilled my guts about Ryan and all my "man problems." KG offered to engage in a sexual relationship with me so that we could explore each others boundaries and give me what I desired most. I declined and left but not before kissing him goodbye on the cheek. I've already got too much on my plate for that.

Instead of resolving my situation and making better decisions, I am about to seduce Alfonso one more time...

Oh you remember Alfonso right? My Boston Boy? My Teenage Dream? Of course you do!

He's back in town for the holidays and I'm going to make lightning strike twice. We're supposed to meet up at 2 pm tomorrow. Birthday sex for he and I, as we both just turned 28 this week. I plan on bringing him straight to my house and fucking his brains out before my mom gets home. Sexy right? Oh God...I feel like a pathetic freshman. But right now, I'm so hurt over Ryan. I feel like I'm never going to find the perfect guy...so I medicate with sex. I have a giant void in my soul that won't go away. I just want to FEEL something.

I JUST WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING! ANYTHING!! Even if it's wrong.

As you enter into my curse...our dreams reverse

I'm starting to really cherish the little, itty-bitty milestones between Ryan and myself. On Friday night we had our first sleep over :)

The Wednesday prior, I was delighted to get a few texts from Ryan...

Ryan: :P
Me: :D I mean :P back at ya hehe
Ryan: Heh. I've had a hectic schedule! My stupid theater was picked to have a full schedule on Xmas eve and day! Sucks ballz!
Me: Aww. Boo! What a bunch of scrooges! I start my Xmas vacay on the 22nd. Try not to hate me.
Ryan: Grrrrrrrrrrr
Me: Haha...I accept your scorn. I bask in it.
Ryan: Ha
Me: Never fear. I will cheer you up with my witty texts and FB posts. Does that mean I shouldn't expect to see that mug of yours until the New Year?
Ryan: We shall see...I James Bond my way into things sometimes.
Me: Haha. That would be great. I've always wanted to be a Bond girl.

So we left it at that...I was smiling the whole week, wondering when he'd swoop in...Christmas shopping distracted me enough. By Friday night, I was bored and with no real plans, I decided to hit the movie theater up by myself and unwind from holiday shopping. Seemed like a fun way to kill some time. Too bad the other patrons were rude and talked the whole way through the movie. Imagine my surprise when I get a text from Ryan half-way through the flick...

Ryan: What's goin on?
Me: Finishing Xmas shopping. And you?
Ryan: Watching TV.
Me: Fun...anything good on?
Ryan: Transformers 3!
Me: Haha...more than meets the eye!! Need any company?
Ryan: That would be nice!
Me: Walking back to my car now...should I head over?
Ryan: Yeah.
Me: Call you when I get there.
Ryan: Ok.

I have never abruptly left a movie and ran to my car so fast. Of course, I happen to be in a part of town where the freeway was closed due to a bridge catching on fire. It took me an extra 20 minutes to get to his place. My heart was slamming in my chest. Had it really been 2 weeks since we'd last seen each other? It felt like an eternity. All that frustration and angst were soon washed away when I appeared on his doorstep. I look up at him, my heart my melts, my stomach drops and he opens the door wider so I can slip in. Then it's all just a lovely blur.

We make chit-chat. I start to kick my shoes off. Ryan puts on a DVD. Tonight's feature presentation is "Signs." He can pretty much quote the whole movie. I snuggle up with him in his comfy, warm bed and we crack jokes the whole time. I've seen "Signs" before, so it's fun to just tear it apart. Ryan plays with my boobs throughout the movie which cause me to giggle. As payback, I slip my hands under his pants and stroke his erection. This was not a very productive movie night. But it was a fun way to get to second base! I seriously feel like we're horny teenagers, playing grab-ass for the first time. As soon as the movie's over, making out happens and soon it's blowjob central inside his room. I lighten the mood and just before I take him in my mouth, I whisper that I'd kill a homeless person in front of their own mother just to suck his dick. He chuckles and grabs a fistful of my hair, pulling it just enough to make me wince in pain. Strong-arm blowjobs are the best. "Do you like that?" he breathes. OF COURSE I DO!

He fucks me. He savagely fucks me. I ride him, too and love that he's not afraid to slap the shit out of my ass. He does this really hot thing where he rubs the spot he's about to spank. He strokes it, pulls his hand back and then I feel the stinging slap. The pain is electric and it makes me want to come so bad. I pray for hand-prints. I even pray for a bruise. I just want a sign that he was on me for the next morning. But maybe I pray too hard?

I'm seconds away from an explosive orgasm. All I need is one last crack from his hand. I can feel he's going to hit me hard. Well he does...but most of the blow lands squarely on his balls....only I don't know it yet. I come so hard and then I hear him groan loudly. Did we come together?? Ah nope. Ryan is recoiling in pain. He just slapped himself in the balls. We cool on the fun stuff and lay in bed talking.

I confess to him that I like him. I tease that maybe I like him a whole lot and he likes me none. He asks why I would say something like that. I don't have an answer. I do my best to memorize every little single detail of him, from his thick black hair, to his almond shaped dark brown eyes, to the curve of his narrow mouth, to his smooth chest and his hairy belly. I want to envelop every little part of him. I run my right index finger along his neck, kiss his ear and tell him I have a huge crush on him...that I wanted to do things right this time...that I didn't want to go too fast. He lays there, with a smug look on his face...or maybe he's amused? I can never tell. He never has anything to say back to me. He just smiles and kisses me in the dark.

We fall asleep around 1:30 am. He has to work the next morning. It takes a few minutes to adjust, but we both get comfortable and fall asleep. I smell his pillow. It smells like his hair, a deep male scent with the fragrance of shampoo. His roommate comes home around 2:30 am and starts to loudly play some records while she talks even louder to some stupid guy. Ryan sleeps through all of this as I fume. I didn't sleep right at all. I eventually fall asleep, though I am startled a couple times by the sound of Ryan sleep-chewing. He makes eating sounds while he sleeps! It's actually kinda cute. He doesn't snore, which is a relief.

We wake up around 8 am so he can get ready for work. Ryan gives me a few "good morning" pinches on the butt and I roll over ready to go at it again. I don't care if his roommate can hear us make the bed shake and creak. I got a "pearl necklace" out of it. HAHA!!!

I get dressed as he showers and read one his Playboy magazines, strictly for the articles. I avoid the pictures of big-breasted blondes. When he steps back into the room, he's about the most handsome sight I have ever seen. Tall, dark, pin-stripe pants, black dress shirt and a silver tie. His dress socks have holes in them, which I resolve to maybe fix on Christmas. "Maybe Santa should get you some socks?" I jokingly say. He agrees as he slips on his dress shoes. He wears a big, black overcoat to keep away the cold. I ask him to smile as I snap a picture on my phone. He refuses and looks away. I take the picture anyway and now he just looks like an old man. (sigh) Believe me, he was a vision. So handsome.



As we say goodbye on the street, he remembers my birthday plans and says he will let me know if he can make it this Friday. I would be the happiest 28 year old on the planet!

I stand at the corner of Echo Park and Scott with a goofy look on my face. I'm still in a daze from the wonderful night and morning I just had. I can taste him in my mouth. I feel sore in different places. I grin to myself. Suddenly a car honks at me and startles me from my day-dream. It's Ryan. He makes a right turn in front of me and waves. I stupidly try to wave back. He must've seen the school-girl crush in my eyes. Haha...I run back to my car as soon as the light turns green. I gotta get out of this cold and back to reality.

***

Stupid Rob keeps trying to strike up conversations with me on text. I don't play along and keep the conversation platonic. Lord only knows what goes on in the head of that boy. He's already confessed he thinks I'm hot and has always wanted to "feel on" me one last time. Dude, just break up with your girl already. You're fucking mental.

***

Jonathan, that dreamy boy I fucked last summer in Milwaukee, is engaged. The girl he's marrying is ideal for him. She's smart, quirky, cute in a Lisa Loeb kinda way. She likes fantasy football, helping others and uses words like "hubris" in her Facebook posts. Pretty sure I was the last girl he fucked before getting engaged. FANTASTIC. My vagina is still a good-luck charm.

***

Alfonso, my Boston hook-up, is perhaps taking my bait...

Me: Hey Alfonso! I know you're probably busy gearing up for your LA trip and your dance card must be filled with folks wanting to see you. I would enjoy seeing you while you're out here, at your convenience of course. Take care.
Alfonso: Cool. Yeah. I'll be in town for a bit over a week, so I'm sure there'll be some time. I'll ttul.
Me: Nice. I start my vacay on the 22nd, but with birthday/Xmas stuff, I don't think I'll be able to hang until after. Lemme know if the 26th would work. Have a safe flight!

All I need is to get him to my house while my mom is at work, then fuck the shit out of him. He deserves a do-over.

I've rationalized this. It isn't cheating on Ryan unless we're boyfriend/girlfriend. He confessed he hasn't had a real relationship since 2008. It feels like a huge task to take on and be the next "it" girl for him. At times, he feels impenetrable....emotionally that is. How does one land a guy like him? If only he knew, I'd give almost anything to be his girl.

There's a time for love & a time for letting it be...

Despite my best (drunken) efforts, I have managed to not scare off Ryan.

Remind me next time that open bar + company Christmas party + texting = BAD IDEA!!!

After last Saturday, Ryan and I made no immediate plans to hang out. We texted sporadically and when I mentioned hanging out this weekend, he said he'd just have to check his work schedule. Friday night comes and no word from him. Every hour felt like an eternity and it didn't take long for me to start sweating bullets. Oh God, is he disinterested already?! As much as I yell at myself inside my brain to calm down, I can't. I feel dread. It's my company's holiday party and I'm three martinis deep. I have to text Ryan. I have to make sure he hasn't forgotten me. BEHOLD...my drunk texting at its most pathetic--

Me: Too early to be this smashed. How are you?
Ryan: Drinking a stein of beer.
Me: Ahhh...I've had about the same. Would it be too skanky to come over later or are you miles away?
Ryan: Miles away! Damn!
Me: Maybe later tonight? Night's still young...hahah.

(No answer. The ship is sinking. Water everywhere. I've hit a relationship iceberg)

Me: Ahhh. I blew it. If you aren't thoroughly annoyed with me yet, would enjoy seeing you tomorrow night.
Ryan: I'm working tomorrow night! :(
Me: Awww...working very late? No chance?
Ryan: I work till 3 am
Ryan: I'm missing my UFC :(
Me: Not the UFC!! You love that shit. Oh well...
Ryan: I'm crying on the inside.
Me: Nooo. No crying on the inside. Cheer up. Can I get a promise that I will see you soon?
Ryan: Soon. Just wait. It's a hectic week.
Me: Of course....I know. Nite. Be safe.

I don't know what his tone is on that last text, but in my hazy drunken stupor, I feel I've just been scolded by my older brother. I've been sent to my room for being bad. By now, I've already made it home. My ego is bruised. My heart aches. I feel like an idiot. I'll worry about damage control tomorrow. Maybe Ryan will make it easier on me and just tell me this isn't working out anymore. Ughhh. My warm bed makes an excellent coffin. I fall asleep super early, almost 11 pm.

12:47 a.m. - phone call. Ryan. Oh no. That's it. Here it comes. I squeeze my eyes shut and brace for impact. "Hello?" I say in a groggy voice.

Ryan immediately rattles off that he's still a little drunk and just about to smoke a joint. He's home in bed and was out visiting friends. He quickly apologizes for being cold and distant the entire week. He said so many things and so fast, my half-asleep brain couldn't even keep up. He says he would never lead me on, that he prefers having his head cut off than to be disemboweled? He keeps mentioning this metaphor, of ripping the band aid off as opposed to enduring the pain. Just walk into the guillotine, no torture. He would never leave me in the dark. "I would tell you, I would tell you" he insists. Sounds like he's been hurt by girls before. He promises he would never willingly do it to me. I squint in the dark. I think this is good news? Not sure. Then he goes on about getting to know each other and I do my best to agree. I have to stop him to even get a word in edgewise since he's just talking up a storm...

"Ryan. Ryan. Listen to me. I couldn't agree with you more. You're worth getting to know and I think I'm also worth getting to know" I whisper urgently.

He then mentions that as we get to know each other maybe we'll find out we're better off as friends. I stop him right there and ask why he's so eager to push himself into the friends zone when we've just barely started going out. He corrects himself and says he hates the friends zone. I struggle not to laugh. Is he listening to himself? He must be stoned already. I think at this point he accidentally hangs up on me and calls me right back. We talk a little bit more, just personal stuff and our plans for the rest of the weekend. He's working a double shift tomorrow. Ouch.

"But believe me. I will call you. I will call you. I promise. I will call you and we will hang out again. I won't leave you hanging. I hate when people do that to me. I won't put someone in that kind of uncertainty" he vows.

I thank him and smile in the dark.

"And if you want....you could come over now. My roommate isn't home yet." He sounds hopeful.

Enticing, but I decline. I tell him I will be patient and wait.

We make mention of having sex again. I tell him that we've only scratched the surface. I want him to push my blowjob boundaries. He laughs and says he will be my willing guinea pig.

Phone call ends on a good note. I sleep peacefully. I know it's going to feel like an entire lifetime until he calls or texts me with plans, but I resolve to be an adult and wait. AND NO MORE DRUNK TEXTING.

I check my Facebook only a few minutes ago and see a post from Alfonso, my old Boston flame from last summer who callously ignored my attempts to stay in contact. My stomach churns.

"by this time next sunday, i will be walking through the door to my house in East LA... it's been way too long..."

Do I dare? Do I dare? Do I dare?

Never hurts to drop a line. :)

Stay now, stay now...just a little more...

Daylight comes, daylight comes
And you've gotta go
Breaks my heart, breaks my heart
To have to watch you go
Wish I knew, wish I knew
When you'll be back again
However long, it's just too long
Until we meet again...

Ah yes...those wonderful, tantalizing moments in a relationship when things are so perfect and saying goodbye at the of a night (beginning of a morning?) are so hard...

My first official date with Ryan went well. I met up with him at a bar after he had finished his shift at the movie theater. He had snagged a place near the big screens and we watched the UFC match between Michael Bisping and Mayhem Miller. I asked a shit load of questions, which to my relief, didn't annoy Ryan at all. I think he kinda enjoyed it. He's got such a zeal about things he likes: with music, with UFC, with movies. He gets this spark in his eyes, it's incredibly cute. I couldn't stop staring at him. At one point, he put his hand on my thigh before the match and said with enthusiasm: "It's starting!" and I felt all warm inside. I'm crushing so bad. Haha!

We wound up back at his place. His roommate would be out all night partying at a bar down the street. We had the house all to ourselves. Our intention was to listen to my vinyl of Morrissey's "Bona Drag" but we never got that far. We fucked for over 4 hours, taking periodic breaks of course. My lips (upstairs and downstairs) were so numb. At around midnight we tried to watch a kung-fu movie but knocked out. I had to set my alarm for 1:30 am so I wouldn't fall asleep all night. It was so hard having to get up!! His bed was so soft and warm, and outside it was a chilly 45 degrees. I wanted to stay like that forever: with me as the big spoon, curled up against his back, my right arm wrapped over his side. (Also, noteworthy: he doesn't snore!!) But cruelly, my alarm did sound. I peeled myself away and got dressed in the dark, it was torture. Sleepily Ryan raised his head, "Come back to bed. Please. Just 5 more minutes?" How could I resist? So fully dressed I crawled back into the deliciously cozy double bed. This time he flung his arm around me and pulled me close. He fell back asleep but I didn't: I laid there perfectly still in the dark and watched him sleep. Creepy? Maybe. But eventually I felt it had been more than 5 minutes and began to stir. "I know you have to go, just please...one more minute" he murmurs. Next time we're planning this better and I'm staying, I tell him when he eventually pulls himself out of bed. He has no objections, hahah!

Outside his gate, as I prepare to walk back to my car, I try not to take up too much of his time: it is freezing cold and he doesn't bring a coat. We kiss goodnight/good morning and I press my head against him. I barely reach his chest. I look up at him as he stands on the top step: "Look...I like you. I really do. I just hope all of this doesn't wind up into just booty calls. I could get that anytime. I really just don't want that." He doesn't even know what to say, he kinda just gives me a look of regret and helplessness. He reaches for me but I've already started to walk away. I wave goodbye and instantly feel stupid for saying that.

I relive that moment a thousand times before I even get home. Great. Now I've hurt his feelings. Or worse yet, I've scared him away. SO STUPID. Then I slowly begin to justify what I said. It all came to me like a thunder strike: Come on, all of our activities thus far have consisted of hooking up. He knows the bartender at the restaurant and didn't introduce me when she came over to say "hi." He didn't wait for me when I parked my car at his house, instead opting to walk inside and closing his door. He had to call me so I could be let inside. A gentleman would have walked me to my car at the end of the date, grabbing a sensible jacket and not letting a girl walk in the dark streets of a bad neighborhood. Bad manners? Stupid? Treating me like just another girl he's fucking? Or all of the above?

Ughhhh. I shook my head in disgust. Am I already trying to trash this? But there was a reason I said that. It had been rattling in my brain since the evening started. I just don't have the time or energy to fuck around anymore. I want to be taken seriously. I want him to know what my intentions are, even though I moronically, we not clear about them at all. Maybe it was to early to say anything...but goddammit....better than saying it too late.

When I get home, I text that I made it safe. He texts back a smiley face. Okay. Cool. So maybe I didn't fuck it up too bad.

Dating is soooo hard. But is anything worth having ever easy?

I'm on the line, one open mind, this is my four leaf clover

Okay: so do you want the bad news? Or the enormously, giddy, thrilling news?

Let's start with the bad news and how I've finally grown a backbone to vacate all the ridiculous shit that was crowding my heart.

1. Erased Edgar's number. If he ever calls, I'm telling him to eat a dick.
2. Texted Rob my resignation. It's over, I don't want to do that with him ever again. Maybe in some other lifetime.
3. I've stopped bothering with losers, guys who can't spell, perverts and weirdos. No more text/flirting with Jay, who I'm convinced is obsessed with sex. He sent me a picture of his dick and I freaked out. DELETED. So fucking gross.
4. No more pity dates. Almost went out on a date with this kid who I refer to as "Turkey" because he decided Thanksgiving was a good time to stalk me. His name on my phone is now "Don't Answer!!"
5. But the hardest of all was telling Dan that I no longer want to see him socially or be involved physically. We stayed up until 2 am talking about it...and in the morning before work, we both agreed to just make a clean break. I didn't shed a tear.

(sigh)

That was my 2 and a half week cleanse of stupid boys. And when the fog cleared, when I decided to just be adventurous and go for it, when I felt that invigorating feeling of reckless abandon, I asked my best friend Lauren if she remembered a guy who had been at one of her parties a couple summers ago.

Flashback summer 2009: I'm at Lauren and Mike's house in Pasadena. It's a warm night and everyone's crowding their apartment, alcoholic drink in hand. Dan and I make the rounds talking to all of Lauren's new friends. I sip some delicious concoction Lola has served in a red frat boy cup. I run into this kid, messy hair and beard. I didn't even find anything striking about him, other than that he's funny and won't stop staring at my boobs despite the fact that my then-boyfriend is only a few feet away. I don't even know his name, but I'm going on and on about what I do for a living. This boy is not listening, he's just wagging his head as I prattle on, red cup in my right hand and gesturing wildly (as I do when I'm tipsy) with my left hand. I can't blame him, my breasts are just spilling out of my black tank top. I see him one more time later on in the evening as we're all smoking a joint in Mike's room. I remember my last, faint memory of that bearded kid is scoffing at how rude he was for just gluing his eyes at my cleavage. Pffft. How immature.

Lauren immediately knew who I was talking about, "Yeah that's Ryan." I try and remember hard, but I'm not even sure what he looks like. I ask if she's sure and I try in vain to better describe him, but she's certain it's a guy named Ryan. She pulls up his picture on Facebook and my stomach drops. He's so cute. He looks a little like Chino Moreno from the Deftones. He has a cute smile. She tells me he lives nearby in Echo Park. I ask if it would be weird to ask him out....but I've already made up my mind I'm going to do it. I barely remembered his face, he must certainly remember my fantastic tits.

And then came the most delicious, exciting, dreamy whirlwind of events: the moments leading up to our first face-to-face encounter in over 2 years.

Friend request accepted. Messages exchanged on Facebook, slight flirtation. References made to going out on a date sometime, references received well. Cell numbers exchanged. Lovely, smile-producing texts: MY GOD, I was grinning ear to ear on Monday afternoon. I felt like a fool, but a happy, giddy fool. I was giggling like a school girl at his texts. Ryan's pretty funny, very witty and sharp. He doesn't come off creepy, he doesn't come off desperate or pathetic. There's nothing in his words that make me feel weird. In fact, he's charming. Is this the same rude boy who ogled my breasts? I don't believe it.

It's late Monday night, I've come back from seeing my idol Morrissey in concert. Ryan asks if I'd like to come and have some "delicious cheeseburger mac and cheese" after the show. I swoon a little. But I read the subtext (I mean, you can't help it)...is this going to be a booty call? No, no, no...please don't turn into a pervert. I'm tired, but I'm incredibly curious. He lives with a roommate, who is luckily gone until New Year's. I can't resist, he's just so adorable. And so I take off into the middle of the night, speeding past the old heartbroken me. This new version of me is full of expectations and bursting with excitement. I arrive at his house and call him. "Hello?" he answers in a deep voice I was not expecting and my stomach feels swarmed with butterflies. My breath catches in my throat. "Hi...hi...I'm here" I stammer. It feels like an eternity as I walk up to his front gate. He stands there, clean shaven, his hair nicely combed, a far cry from when I had last seen him. He's wearing a beat up Heaven and Hell shirt with pajama pants. I awkwardly shake his hand, still wearing my Morrissey concert T-shirt. "Hello, it's nice to meet you again" he says with a smile. Perfect. Genuine. What else you got?

And inside his little hipster-y apartment it's warm and it smells like dinner. He serves me a bowl of cheeseburger macaroni and a Session beer. Ryan walks all over his flat telling me about himself, opening drawers and talking to me from every room in the house as I stand there, paralyzed in the living room. Each wave of nervousness making me quake in my Converse. We stand and talk in the kitchen finally, each scooping macaroni out of our bowls. I tell him a little about myself and confess how cute I think he is, "I told Lauren you've got a little bit of a Chino Moreno thing going on." He stops eating, grins and grabs a vinyl record to show me: Deftones 2nd album Around the Fur. One of my absolute favorites.

It's not long before we're sprawled out on his living room rug, listening to vinyl on his record player. That hiss and scratch making me feel all nice and cozy inside. He shows off his record collection to me, each selection more tantalizing than the next: Tears for Fears, The Smiths, Huey Lewis and the News, Men at Work, Toto, Madonna...it goes on and on. He's reveling in how his music geekdom is finally paying off, a girl that likes vinyl and isn't some pretentious bitch....awesome! He plays album after album as I sit there, cross-legged with my jaw open in awe. Is this guy for real? We move to the couch and sit together. I can feel the air is taking a change...."Let me show you the Christmas lights." He clicks off all the lights and we're left in the total darkness, save for some soft white bulbs placed strategically across the living room wall that leads into the kitchen. Kinda romantic, I think. We talk some more, more personal stuff. I love how easy his laugh is, how he tilts his head back to chuckle at my jokes. He keeps excellent eye contact, though I do catch him at times glancing at my chest. I tease him about doing it the first time we met, to which he retorts with a smile: "I mean come on, can you blame me?"

Ryan is 3rd generation Mexican. He's a 29-year old manager of a small movie theater and lives alone with an older lady roommate plus two cats named Mankey and Lily. His knowledge and prowess on music and film trivia is alluring. He gets so excited talking about rock bands, it's endearing. I wonder if maybe that's how I look when I'm going on about musicians and rock music as a whole. We get each other's humor and references. We like each other's style of music....we're just hitting each note perfectly. I remember this feeling, yes....the feeling of good conversation and flawless chemistry. *SQUEAL* I can feel we're clicking at a rapid speed. The speed bump comes when we move onto the topic of God, religion and the afterlife. He's a self-proclaimed atheist and I've got my Catholic leanings with progressive views. I explain my views on death and joke that I'll haunt him someday. He smiles at me, "Oh you're gonna haunt me, eh?" And then there it is....that silence. A spark. I know that trigger, I know we won't be able to stop. I move in, he moves in. Our heads get closer. I can taste his breath and then we're kissing. Hot, narrow mouth. I feel that familiar tickle of a beard coming in. He kisses with an urgency. I taste his tongue, his teeth. Oh I'm falling. I'm falling deeper into a dizzying heat. Then it's caresses on the arm, tracing my tongue down his neck. He kisses my shoulder and I'm gone. He leaves the record player on, our soundtrack for the night. He can't wait to pull my shirt and bra off. And when his mouth finally fastens on my left nipple, I know I'm a goner. He has the softest, most insistent mouth ever. I beg him no sex, though it's clear I want it too. I can't bear to just give in now and have him dump me like so many have before. He promises that we will go out again on Saturday. I look into his eyes, as he assures me that he likes me and would love to keep seeing me. I compromise with a blowjob, which delights him though he begs to get me off as well. I resist though it kills me to refuse. My face is buried in his lap and it's not long before he's coming in my mouth. I think Ryan wins at the most expressive O-face ever. Hah!

I'm a sweaty mess but I have to go, I tell him. He pleads for me to say. "Just a while longer?" he asks, with these eyes of pure adoration. I can't, I can't...the irony is I will be right back in the neighborhood the next morning as he lives only a few blocks from my work. We say goodnight and text each other before bed. I can't sleep that night as my mind is racing with thoughts of him.

The next morning we're back to texting and poking each other on Facebook. My face hurts, I'm smiling so much...ohhh, is that what it's like to really crush on a boy? By the evening, we're both smitten. "You should come play Nintendo later hehe" he texts. Less than 24 hours later, I'm back at his house. He plays more records for me, always the intoxicating foreplay for this gal. We move to his bedroom where I sit on the edge of his double bed, watching him play video games. I suck at them so bad, I'd rather just watch Ryan kill the monsters of Castlevania on an old school Nintendo. As the minutes pass, I get more comfortable and he massages my neck as he holds the controller with one hand. Pretty soon we're making out again. He plays some music on his laptop as we kiss and kiss. I don't think we're gonna make it to Saturday. I know we're not going to.

The sex is amazing. Effortless. Him on top, me on top, 69, blow jobs, doggy style....even spooning sex. His dick (uncut sadly) is impressive. He claims 7 and half inches, but I wonder. Either way, he stays hard for a very long time and is able to come at least twice. His refractory period is short, which I love! A man that can fuck all night is a dream come true. I lose track of my orgasms, remember at least four times where I trembled under his fingers and mouth, gasping his name at the cieling. I can scarcely believe it's nearly midnight when we decide to finally call it quits. I wish I could stay like this forever, wrapped around each other, running my hand down his smooth back. I remember laying naked in his sheets, whispering in his ear: "You're gonna get me in a lot of trouble." He just laughs and kisses my mouth. My vagina is sore...but happy.

That was Tuesday. We text steadily throughout the days but it feels an eternity till Saturday. Tomorrow I'm going over and we're supposed to go on a real "date." A little unorthodox: we're gonna watch the big UFC match and get some drinks. Sex is implied. But honestly, I just wanna spend time with him. I haven't felt this in forever. If I could bottle this feeling, I would. Every corny love song on the radio speaks to me. Every waking moment, I feel my mind drifting to him (plus steamy shag flashbacks). And for once, I feel the guy on the other end feels the same way. JOY!

I figure Lauren has now told Mike about me and Ryan because I get a funny Facebook message:

"You and Ryan huh? I can't believe I didn't see it coming. :)"





And now one without the beard...