Stay now, stay now...just a little more...

Daylight comes, daylight comes
And you've gotta go
Breaks my heart, breaks my heart
To have to watch you go
Wish I knew, wish I knew
When you'll be back again
However long, it's just too long
Until we meet again...

Ah yes...those wonderful, tantalizing moments in a relationship when things are so perfect and saying goodbye at the of a night (beginning of a morning?) are so hard...

My first official date with Ryan went well. I met up with him at a bar after he had finished his shift at the movie theater. He had snagged a place near the big screens and we watched the UFC match between Michael Bisping and Mayhem Miller. I asked a shit load of questions, which to my relief, didn't annoy Ryan at all. I think he kinda enjoyed it. He's got such a zeal about things he likes: with music, with UFC, with movies. He gets this spark in his eyes, it's incredibly cute. I couldn't stop staring at him. At one point, he put his hand on my thigh before the match and said with enthusiasm: "It's starting!" and I felt all warm inside. I'm crushing so bad. Haha!

We wound up back at his place. His roommate would be out all night partying at a bar down the street. We had the house all to ourselves. Our intention was to listen to my vinyl of Morrissey's "Bona Drag" but we never got that far. We fucked for over 4 hours, taking periodic breaks of course. My lips (upstairs and downstairs) were so numb. At around midnight we tried to watch a kung-fu movie but knocked out. I had to set my alarm for 1:30 am so I wouldn't fall asleep all night. It was so hard having to get up!! His bed was so soft and warm, and outside it was a chilly 45 degrees. I wanted to stay like that forever: with me as the big spoon, curled up against his back, my right arm wrapped over his side. (Also, noteworthy: he doesn't snore!!) But cruelly, my alarm did sound. I peeled myself away and got dressed in the dark, it was torture. Sleepily Ryan raised his head, "Come back to bed. Please. Just 5 more minutes?" How could I resist? So fully dressed I crawled back into the deliciously cozy double bed. This time he flung his arm around me and pulled me close. He fell back asleep but I didn't: I laid there perfectly still in the dark and watched him sleep. Creepy? Maybe. But eventually I felt it had been more than 5 minutes and began to stir. "I know you have to go, just please...one more minute" he murmurs. Next time we're planning this better and I'm staying, I tell him when he eventually pulls himself out of bed. He has no objections, hahah!

Outside his gate, as I prepare to walk back to my car, I try not to take up too much of his time: it is freezing cold and he doesn't bring a coat. We kiss goodnight/good morning and I press my head against him. I barely reach his chest. I look up at him as he stands on the top step: "Look...I like you. I really do. I just hope all of this doesn't wind up into just booty calls. I could get that anytime. I really just don't want that." He doesn't even know what to say, he kinda just gives me a look of regret and helplessness. He reaches for me but I've already started to walk away. I wave goodbye and instantly feel stupid for saying that.

I relive that moment a thousand times before I even get home. Great. Now I've hurt his feelings. Or worse yet, I've scared him away. SO STUPID. Then I slowly begin to justify what I said. It all came to me like a thunder strike: Come on, all of our activities thus far have consisted of hooking up. He knows the bartender at the restaurant and didn't introduce me when she came over to say "hi." He didn't wait for me when I parked my car at his house, instead opting to walk inside and closing his door. He had to call me so I could be let inside. A gentleman would have walked me to my car at the end of the date, grabbing a sensible jacket and not letting a girl walk in the dark streets of a bad neighborhood. Bad manners? Stupid? Treating me like just another girl he's fucking? Or all of the above?

Ughhhh. I shook my head in disgust. Am I already trying to trash this? But there was a reason I said that. It had been rattling in my brain since the evening started. I just don't have the time or energy to fuck around anymore. I want to be taken seriously. I want him to know what my intentions are, even though I moronically, we not clear about them at all. Maybe it was to early to say anything...but goddammit....better than saying it too late.

When I get home, I text that I made it safe. He texts back a smiley face. Okay. Cool. So maybe I didn't fuck it up too bad.

Dating is soooo hard. But is anything worth having ever easy?