So my date with Alfonso didn't go as predicted. First of all, he was driving his father's car and had come a long way to meet me for coffee, so I felt bad making him drive even further to meet me at my house. I figured at the end of the date, I could convince him into engaging in a little make out and backseat shenanigans.
My heart was beating so fast as I pulled up into the little shopping complex on Mednik and 3rd. The blood was rushing so hard, I swear I could hear it in my ears. As I gave myself a last minute glance in the rear view mirror, I said a little prayer in my head: "Please God, don't let me be disappointed."
I step out of my car into the bright sunshine and Alfonso's standing right there, turned away just enough so he can't see me yet. I suck in my stomach, straighten up my shirt and smooth my hair. I look and feel like a million bucks. Suddenly, he turns around and is surprised to see me standing there. "Hi there!" I squeak and it's on!!!
Usual chit chat and catch up. We sit outside on the patio, taking advantage of the beautiful, sunny December afternoon. It scarcely feels like winter here in Southern California. We talk a little about everything. He fills me in about returning to work at Arbour Hospital and how he's excited to work on a teacher grading app for the iPad with his computer/coding friends. I listen intently, concentrating....but my mind wanders. Oh, does it wander...
I can't take my eyes off of him!!! I glance all over, drinking in every little detail because I don't know when I'll ever see him again. He's just so FUCKING CUTE. Those sleepy brown eyes, that perfect mouth with the forgivable chapped lips, THAT BEARD, his skin is this perfect color...coffee & cream, paler than me because he's spent so many years away in Boston. He wears a flannel shirt with a black thermal underneath and beat up jeans. He's a vision. He quickens my pulse. His soft-spoken voice like music to my ears. Does he even realize I would knock this table over and ravage him completely?
He asks me about Dan. I try and explain without getting into too much detail. Now it's his turn to sit there and watch me as I talk. I can feel him looking at me, nodding his head and digesting all this nonsense. I try to be careful about what I say, since I know Alfonso still regards Dan as a good friend. I watch the expressions change on his face from thoughtful to worried to reassuring. In the end, I'm relieved he doesn't seem too put off. He gives me a few words of wisdom, encouraging me that yes: one day I will find the right person. "BUT IT'S YOU I WANT!!!" my brain thunders. "You're perfect for me, can't you see that? Can't you see I've been scheming after you for years? Can't you see how long I have suffered...waiting, biding my time, how my heart worked so hard to get over you and in a split second, you're here, and I just want to run away with you all over again?!!?!?"
I bite my lip. I say no such thing. It's time for him to go. Before he leaves me and walks right out of my life again, I ask to take a couple of pictures with him. He's always so gracious, always so accommodating. Then it's REALLY time for him to go. So I go for broke....it's now or never.
He bends down and hugs me. A nice, deep hug. I squeeze him in my arms. As I pull away, I just start to say a jumble of things and so does he. I look up at him and there's this pause. HOLY SHIT. DO IT NOW. I can feel my heart racing again, it just doesn't stop!
"I...I...kinda want to kiss you right now" I say softly but loud enough so that only he and I can hear.
He blushes and looks away, obviously caught off guard. "No...no...come on. Here. Look, I can kiss you like this" he says and plants a soft kiss on my right cheek, not even an inch from my mouth. The scratchiness of his beard is delightful. I could've died.
We hug again and pull away. I can't even look him in the face again as I tell him "Goodbye, don't be a stranger." As we both drive away in our cars, he waves at me. I wave back, gutted. How many times can you break a heart before it doesn't work anymore?
Just as I make it home, my eyes ready to cry but somehow unable, I get a text from him...
Alfonso: Hey, just feel I need to clarify. I'm kinda seeing someone, and my mind doesn't let me go there. So it wasn't a rejection at all =)
Hardly a consolation prize...oh well. I fire back a response after the appropriated time has passed and I've mourned the fucking I was willing to give him...
Me: She's a lucky gal. Sorry if I was too forward. But like I've said, given the opportunity or an opening...I just go for it. Can't blame me for trying :)
I go out to dinner and shopping with my friend Sandy, because I need a shoulder to cry on. I try to make sense of it all, but it's just too much. (sigh) I'm wounded. Then suddenly a text.
Alfonso: Can't blame you =)
I give up trying to decipher what he means. I just lay it to rest and try my best to forget. But it's so hard when I can still feel the kiss stinging near the corner of my mouth or the warmth, weight and smell of his embrace. Whoever this mystery girl is, I just want her to know she's the most fortunate bitch on the face of the Earth.
Hmmm. At least I have pictures to console me:
In the New Year, in 2012, I want to stop this cycle and this hero worshiping. No more one night stands and fucking on the first date. I'm going to take the plunge and sign up on match.com or e-harmony. I want a man who can commit, who won't leave in the morning....I want something real.
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