I hate how my relationships seems to end before they even begin.
Things with Ryan are...at a standstill.
He never showed up to my birthday party, even after saying he'd "tetris some stuff around" to be there. Instead, he went off to karaoke with his friends and never called. I wished him a Merry Christmas and all he could text back was "Okie dokie."
Don't even know why I bought him a Christmas present. I'm just gonna return the black dress socks he so badly needs. Guhh. I'm always so stupid and gullible. I only want attention from emotionally unavailable guys. I only like guys who reject me totally.
It came as a predicted, yet painfully clear, conclusion that Ryan only wants me around for sex. We only hang out when he wants to, when he's out of options and when he feels like it. I had high hopes...but slowly, he's revealed himself to be another selfish, immature dick. My contacts list on my phone is a whole graveyard full of those type of guys.
As we sat around pounding drinks on Friday, my friend Lauren's on again/off again boyfriend Mike remarked that Ryan is a "player" and that he was worried for me. I mean, I'm no damsel in distress...I thought I could handle myself...but instead, I'm sitting here with a broken heart. AGAIN. I let my guard down too fast. I got overly excited. I stripped away the hard shell and had my insides ripped out. This is painful.
At the end of the night, we hung out at Mike's apartments...getting high and pondering life. Mike's friend KG had joined us. He spent the better half of the night staring at my boobs. By about 3 am, he confessed that he lusted after me. I had already spilled my guts about Ryan and all my "man problems." KG offered to engage in a sexual relationship with me so that we could explore each others boundaries and give me what I desired most. I declined and left but not before kissing him goodbye on the cheek. I've already got too much on my plate for that.
Instead of resolving my situation and making better decisions, I am about to seduce Alfonso one more time...
Oh you remember Alfonso right? My Boston Boy? My Teenage Dream? Of course you do!
He's back in town for the holidays and I'm going to make lightning strike twice. We're supposed to meet up at 2 pm tomorrow. Birthday sex for he and I, as we both just turned 28 this week. I plan on bringing him straight to my house and fucking his brains out before my mom gets home. Sexy right? Oh God...I feel like a pathetic freshman. But right now, I'm so hurt over Ryan. I feel like I'm never going to find the perfect guy...so I medicate with sex. I have a giant void in my soul that won't go away. I just want to FEEL something.
I JUST WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING! ANYTHING!! Even if it's wrong.
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