Still soul searching. I broke the news to Dan--
Me: in other news, i've taken a vow of celibacy during lent. i am the Morrissey of boyle heights
dan: interesting. so i take it we wont be getting into any shenanigans then.
Me: also no alcohol and drugs, so as to not slip up
Dan: well that's helpful
Me: i think it will be easy to avoid temptation. you and i have nowhere to call our own anymore. our parents are always home. or we're busy. it'll be Easter before you know it!
Dan: indeed. i'm sure it will.
Me: besides, i thought it would be good to stave off on the sex between you and i. i dropped the bomb on some pretty heavy feelings the other day. i dont want to just start adding sex and complicate matters, muddy the water or mess it up
Dan: well thats one school of thought i guess.
He's not being totally, 100% supportive about this....but it really doesn't matter. The understanding and strength need to come from within me. I CAN DO THIS!
Oh and hey, it's the 29th of February. See you in another 4 years, day that doesn't technically exist. Maybe in another 4 years, things will be better. Wouldn't it be wild if I was married with children? One can only hope. Maybe then, this will all seems so silly.
No Getting Laid Lent: 8 days down, 32 to go.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Let the rain come down, let the wind blow through me
It's official: I'm giving sex up for Lent. I'm also giving up alcohol and marijuana (in fact any illegal drug) because I make bad decisions when I take them separately or in conjunction. Not being sober also leads me to have regrettable sex. I feel getting rid of these two HUGE vices will close the loop and I'll be able to come through smarter, wiser, focused and clear-headed. My willpower needs to be tested. A little penance and reflection in this very solemn time is much needed. Wish me luck.
It should be easy to stay away from temptation with Dan because we rarely get a chance to be alone and he's always so busy placating his parents on the weekends. We're not hanging out tomorrow because he has to have dinner with his family. I hope this time apart will help me reorganize my thoughts about him. It feels like an ocean of emotions and decisions. (sigh)
Staying away from Ryan might be easier said than done, especially when we have conversations like this:
Me: Question: I've been peppering my online dating profile with random references and phrases. Would you say I have a velvety throat?
Ryan: Yes. Satin.
Me: Perfect.
I have GOT to stop being such a flirt. I'm not even being flirtatious...just fucking obscene :)
Forty days and forty nights, eh? If Jesus can resist the devil, I can resist two immature Mexicans who are both pushing 30.
No Getting Laid Lent: 3 days down, 37 to go.
It should be easy to stay away from temptation with Dan because we rarely get a chance to be alone and he's always so busy placating his parents on the weekends. We're not hanging out tomorrow because he has to have dinner with his family. I hope this time apart will help me reorganize my thoughts about him. It feels like an ocean of emotions and decisions. (sigh)
Staying away from Ryan might be easier said than done, especially when we have conversations like this:
Me: Question: I've been peppering my online dating profile with random references and phrases. Would you say I have a velvety throat?
Ryan: Yes. Satin.
Me: Perfect.
I have GOT to stop being such a flirt. I'm not even being flirtatious...just fucking obscene :)
Forty days and forty nights, eh? If Jesus can resist the devil, I can resist two immature Mexicans who are both pushing 30.
No Getting Laid Lent: 3 days down, 37 to go.
Monday, February 20, 2012
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope...
Trying very hard to not get swept up in all these new emotions. I am trying my very hardest not to become all cliché about all this and instantly forget the past. I recognize that it's okay to allow myself to feel love and express it but I can't let it get out of control. It's great to let your heart lead for once but you can't ignore your brain. I'm almost scared to let my heart lead again. My gut feelings haven't paid off very well these last couple of years.
Dan and I met up on Saturday. We were back to our usual routine of 7-11 and then guitar lesson in Studio City, only this time he drove over to pick me up. My friend Sandy warned me not to settle into the same old situation with him and let ourselves become comfortable again. No commitment, no restrictions and we're back to how we were before November, before Ryan, before it all felt apart so abruptly. Did I really want to go back to waiting around for him to turn his heart around? No. No. No. I don't want that. I want to progress, I want to go forward with Dan, I don't want to be stuck in park for years and years.
I see the potential in what Dan and I have. If there's any man I could trust to not cheat on me, to be there, to be responsible and man up when he has to, it's him. It's true we've turned each other away so many times over the years, yet we are always drawn to each other like magnets. I feel all of the pressure of having to change things things around and patching together the holes we've gouged into our happy union, but I'm ready for it. I know it can be remedied. I know that the love I feel for Dan is strong; it's stronger than anything I've ever felt ever before. It's caught me by surprise and I want to give it the chance it deserves to fix things.
Maybe we should have waited, but we wasted no opportunity to get physical. I had today off and he was working. Before he started his shift with NCR, Dan stopped by in the morning and we had sex. Just like riding a bike, I suppose. (Oooh that's a bad metaphor, at least in reference to me). I didn't bother to tell Dan I've slept with like 3 days guys in the interim. I've kept it all, mostly, safe. I don't think he necessarily needs to know that.
I guess what I've found hardest to do is wean myself off the attention of other guys. I'm slowly getting there.
1. I deleted my e-harmony account. I don't see the sense in paying money to go on dates with guys. It's true, e-harmony probably has quality guys that are hungry for commitment and marriage, but I can't deny the fact that I'm still in love with someone else. No need to sabotage complete strangers lives, too.
2. I still keep in somewhat contact with Abe, the cute Texas boy from the Deftones forums on Facebook. He asked to talk to me on the phone the other day and we had a nice conversation. Then he got drunk on Friday night and we had a 2-hour conversation replete with sexual references, cussing, making fun of each other and yelling. Nothing bad, of course, just odd. I don't know if I'd ever date him seriously, but he might be fun for some random hookups. Too bad I'm a thousand miles away.
3. No more running after Ryan and begging him to see me. I'm just going to play it cool. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, no big deal. I've got heavier things to handle.
4. Keep telling Rob to fuck off. He's been texting me a lot, always acting like he's THIS CLOSE to hanging out with me but oh no, blah blah blah excuse excuse excuse. I laid it down harsh a couple of nights ago. Frustrated, I told him it wasn't fair to his girlfriend for him to be always on my tail. I think he got a little miffed and apologize. Then this afternoon he promised not to keep asking me out. I gotta stay strong. It brings me no good karma to flirt with another girl's boyfriend.
Needless to say, my love life is very weird right now. I feel like I'm in some gray area. A calm before the storm. Like there's a change-over coming, I can feel it. I just hope it's positive.
Dan and I met up on Saturday. We were back to our usual routine of 7-11 and then guitar lesson in Studio City, only this time he drove over to pick me up. My friend Sandy warned me not to settle into the same old situation with him and let ourselves become comfortable again. No commitment, no restrictions and we're back to how we were before November, before Ryan, before it all felt apart so abruptly. Did I really want to go back to waiting around for him to turn his heart around? No. No. No. I don't want that. I want to progress, I want to go forward with Dan, I don't want to be stuck in park for years and years.
I see the potential in what Dan and I have. If there's any man I could trust to not cheat on me, to be there, to be responsible and man up when he has to, it's him. It's true we've turned each other away so many times over the years, yet we are always drawn to each other like magnets. I feel all of the pressure of having to change things things around and patching together the holes we've gouged into our happy union, but I'm ready for it. I know it can be remedied. I know that the love I feel for Dan is strong; it's stronger than anything I've ever felt ever before. It's caught me by surprise and I want to give it the chance it deserves to fix things.
Maybe we should have waited, but we wasted no opportunity to get physical. I had today off and he was working. Before he started his shift with NCR, Dan stopped by in the morning and we had sex. Just like riding a bike, I suppose. (Oooh that's a bad metaphor, at least in reference to me). I didn't bother to tell Dan I've slept with like 3 days guys in the interim. I've kept it all, mostly, safe. I don't think he necessarily needs to know that.
I guess what I've found hardest to do is wean myself off the attention of other guys. I'm slowly getting there.
1. I deleted my e-harmony account. I don't see the sense in paying money to go on dates with guys. It's true, e-harmony probably has quality guys that are hungry for commitment and marriage, but I can't deny the fact that I'm still in love with someone else. No need to sabotage complete strangers lives, too.
2. I still keep in somewhat contact with Abe, the cute Texas boy from the Deftones forums on Facebook. He asked to talk to me on the phone the other day and we had a nice conversation. Then he got drunk on Friday night and we had a 2-hour conversation replete with sexual references, cussing, making fun of each other and yelling. Nothing bad, of course, just odd. I don't know if I'd ever date him seriously, but he might be fun for some random hookups. Too bad I'm a thousand miles away.
3. No more running after Ryan and begging him to see me. I'm just going to play it cool. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, no big deal. I've got heavier things to handle.
4. Keep telling Rob to fuck off. He's been texting me a lot, always acting like he's THIS CLOSE to hanging out with me but oh no, blah blah blah excuse excuse excuse. I laid it down harsh a couple of nights ago. Frustrated, I told him it wasn't fair to his girlfriend for him to be always on my tail. I think he got a little miffed and apologize. Then this afternoon he promised not to keep asking me out. I gotta stay strong. It brings me no good karma to flirt with another girl's boyfriend.
Needless to say, my love life is very weird right now. I feel like I'm in some gray area. A calm before the storm. Like there's a change-over coming, I can feel it. I just hope it's positive.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
We found love in a hopeless place....
Valentines's Day is not supposed to start a domino effect....Valentine's Day is not supposed to be a hurricane of emotions.....Valentine's Day is not supposed to be a chain reaction...Valentine's Day is not supposed to make you take back everything you ever said...isn't Valentine's about silly Hallmark greeting cards? Pink and red hearts? Chocolates, teddy bears, a dozen roses and syrupy emotions?
Valentine's Day is not supposed to be a new beginning for what was supposed to be over.
But somehow...last night...it was.
It started innocently enough on Sunday night. I knew Dan was back from Georgia. He had left California to train with NCR. He's going to be working on cash registers. Our phone bill was due last week and I discovered that he had not paid it. I reluctantly handed over the money and in the process got myself a new iPhone 4s. Oooh fancy. I wanted to speak to him about FINALLY separating our phone lines, but the cost of having our own accounts was a little more than he and I were willing to pay. I decided to play nice and get him to cough up his half of the bill this week. Without even trying, I started a strange reconciliation.
Me: any plans for valentines?
Dan: Nope. what about you?
Me: Nothing. probably an ugly cry, single girls dinner with Sandy and getting an invishield for my phone.
Dan: what happened with your beau?
Me: he wasnt interested in a serious relationship
Dan: ah i see.
Me: like we still go out...but that's it. so i'm back at square one.
Dan: i see. well that's how it goes i guess.
Me: Yeppers
Dan: sorry. i was honestly hoping it would work out.
Me: Me too. i took a gamble...i went with my heart and my gut...i didnt want to cut you out. ultimately i should've gone with my brain...or logic...i dunno
Dan: i dunno...who can say what's right and wrong in all of this. we do the best with what we're given.
Me: this is true. theres no sense in crying about it now, i suppose
Dan: yeah i mean things happen for a reason. but do remember you can give me a call if you wanna do something or whatever.
Me: i just want you to know, i'm not mad at you or want to avoid you. i miss you heaps and wish we could go back to being friends like before...but i feel ive hurt your feelings too badly...or made too much damage
Dan: eh....i was mad for a while. but the next morning i kinda thought better of it and thought that it'd be best to just let you do your thing and see what happened and not get in the way. that's why i made myself scare for a while. i didn't want to keep showing up all the time.
Me: i appreciate that
Dan: yeah....i dunno. i just felt like i couldn't and didn't want to force things.
Me: its probably for the best. you needed to concentrate in GA. and i needed to figure things out. here i am on the other side of February...and i know where i stand. i do want to hang out with you. like...soon hahah....
Dan: well, we'll see how things go.....
[we talked more about his job...then I couldn't control myself...I took a shot in the dark]
Me: do you want to be horribly ironic and go out on tuesday? after work?
Dan: what's Tuesday?
Me: for people like us...its just tuesday. for couples, its valentines
Dan: oh...haha. hence the horribly ironic part. i see. yeah i guess so. i don't have any plans. if you want to wait around in line in a restaurant.
Me: no...i dont...we can do something else. like get an invishield on the phone and get fast food. we can be anti-valentines
Dan: ok. they sell them at best buy. there's one by my house.
And thus began one of the weirdest Valentine's I have ever had.
Phase 1: My original plan, before the whole Dan situation arose, was to have only one guy be my Valentine. I wanted so bad for Ryan to be that guy. I made up my mind that I was going to him a Valentines Day card, no matter what. I don't care if he doesn't reciprocate, I just want to do something nice for the closest person I have felt any feelings for. So I fill out a goofy card and ask him if I can deliver it in person. He lies and says he's out to lunch with friends despite the fact that I see he's online and posting random anti-Valentines Day crap on Facebook. Whatever. I stuff it in his mailbox, careful to avoid his creepy drug-dealing neighbors and vamoose.
Phase 2: Right on time *for once!* Dan shows up at my house to pick me up in his new work car: a white 2012 Kia Sorrento. He also gives me a single, red silk rose with a tiny teddy bear on it that says "I LOVE YOU." I don't even hesitate: I say thank you and kiss him on the lips. Here we go.
Dan paid for my HD-shield, a Skullcandy hard plastic case and the installation for my new phone in lieu of his half of the cell bill. I won't lie; it felt real nice to be alongside him again....wandering around the electronics department and catching up on life. It's like no time has gone by. It's like we've never hurt each others feelings. We settle on cheap for dinner and hit up the local Denny's. It's not long before I see that Ryan has "liked" my check-in to the Denny's in East L.A. or Jay cramming in a text almost instantly:
"happy valentine's day, beautiful."
Awww. Fat chance.
I do get a timeline post from Ryan though...this is his first.
Card was awesome! Thanks! :)
Dan sets up my BlueTooth with the new phone. It takes him a long while to figure it out but once he does, I'm elated. Dan surprises me with a long kiss. Lovely.
We launch into one of our long, "we could be here all night" chats. A lot of stuff was said, mostly by me of course. Maybe it's because it's Valentine's Day, maybe it's because Ryan keeps rejecting me, maybe it's because I'm scared, vulnerable, lonely and PMS-ing like a motherfucker. But all my pent up emotions rush out of me like running water. I can't stop the flood. I can't stop talking. Then I start crying. I want us to go back to how we used to be. I want us to be better, though. I want us to be together. I want to be happy...but with him.
I tell him what's the sense of us running around and being miserable without each other, when we always wind up back here. Can't we just learn to be happy with each other and enjoy the rest of life together?
"You make a good point," he says.
As usual, I get no answer from him. Neither a yes or a no. Just that he's got a lot to think about now. He tells me he still loves me. I tell him I still love him, too and I always will. No matter what.
We kiss good night and he wipes the tears from my face as I suck up my snot. He tells me not to cry so much.
And that's it. I'm stunned. Excited? Hopeful? I think more than anything, I am relieved. Whatever demon was lurking inside my heart, I got it out. Dan can make of it whatever he wants. I fear nothing.
Maybe this is true love. Maybe no matter how much I fuck it up or how much he fucks it up, it's meant to be. I don't worship him. I don't die if he doesn't call me. I don't squeal and I don't follow his every move. I just love him, unconditionally and truly.
Is there where I stop fighting it, the decade-long love of my life, and just accept it? Is this where I give in to happiness? I sure hope so.
Valentine's Day is not supposed to be a new beginning for what was supposed to be over.
But somehow...last night...it was.
It started innocently enough on Sunday night. I knew Dan was back from Georgia. He had left California to train with NCR. He's going to be working on cash registers. Our phone bill was due last week and I discovered that he had not paid it. I reluctantly handed over the money and in the process got myself a new iPhone 4s. Oooh fancy. I wanted to speak to him about FINALLY separating our phone lines, but the cost of having our own accounts was a little more than he and I were willing to pay. I decided to play nice and get him to cough up his half of the bill this week. Without even trying, I started a strange reconciliation.
Me: any plans for valentines?
Dan: Nope. what about you?
Me: Nothing. probably an ugly cry, single girls dinner with Sandy and getting an invishield for my phone.
Dan: what happened with your beau?
Me: he wasnt interested in a serious relationship
Dan: ah i see.
Me: like we still go out...but that's it. so i'm back at square one.
Dan: i see. well that's how it goes i guess.
Me: Yeppers
Dan: sorry. i was honestly hoping it would work out.
Me: Me too. i took a gamble...i went with my heart and my gut...i didnt want to cut you out. ultimately i should've gone with my brain...or logic...i dunno
Dan: i dunno...who can say what's right and wrong in all of this. we do the best with what we're given.
Me: this is true. theres no sense in crying about it now, i suppose
Dan: yeah i mean things happen for a reason. but do remember you can give me a call if you wanna do something or whatever.
Me: i just want you to know, i'm not mad at you or want to avoid you. i miss you heaps and wish we could go back to being friends like before...but i feel ive hurt your feelings too badly...or made too much damage
Dan: eh....i was mad for a while. but the next morning i kinda thought better of it and thought that it'd be best to just let you do your thing and see what happened and not get in the way. that's why i made myself scare for a while. i didn't want to keep showing up all the time.
Me: i appreciate that
Dan: yeah....i dunno. i just felt like i couldn't and didn't want to force things.
Me: its probably for the best. you needed to concentrate in GA. and i needed to figure things out. here i am on the other side of February...and i know where i stand. i do want to hang out with you. like...soon hahah....
Dan: well, we'll see how things go.....
[we talked more about his job...then I couldn't control myself...I took a shot in the dark]
Me: do you want to be horribly ironic and go out on tuesday? after work?
Dan: what's Tuesday?
Me: for people like us...its just tuesday. for couples, its valentines
Dan: oh...haha. hence the horribly ironic part. i see. yeah i guess so. i don't have any plans. if you want to wait around in line in a restaurant.
Me: no...i dont...we can do something else. like get an invishield on the phone and get fast food. we can be anti-valentines
Dan: ok. they sell them at best buy. there's one by my house.
And thus began one of the weirdest Valentine's I have ever had.
Phase 1: My original plan, before the whole Dan situation arose, was to have only one guy be my Valentine. I wanted so bad for Ryan to be that guy. I made up my mind that I was going to him a Valentines Day card, no matter what. I don't care if he doesn't reciprocate, I just want to do something nice for the closest person I have felt any feelings for. So I fill out a goofy card and ask him if I can deliver it in person. He lies and says he's out to lunch with friends despite the fact that I see he's online and posting random anti-Valentines Day crap on Facebook. Whatever. I stuff it in his mailbox, careful to avoid his creepy drug-dealing neighbors and vamoose.
Phase 2: Right on time *for once!* Dan shows up at my house to pick me up in his new work car: a white 2012 Kia Sorrento. He also gives me a single, red silk rose with a tiny teddy bear on it that says "I LOVE YOU." I don't even hesitate: I say thank you and kiss him on the lips. Here we go.
Dan paid for my HD-shield, a Skullcandy hard plastic case and the installation for my new phone in lieu of his half of the cell bill. I won't lie; it felt real nice to be alongside him again....wandering around the electronics department and catching up on life. It's like no time has gone by. It's like we've never hurt each others feelings. We settle on cheap for dinner and hit up the local Denny's. It's not long before I see that Ryan has "liked" my check-in to the Denny's in East L.A. or Jay cramming in a text almost instantly:
"happy valentine's day, beautiful."
Awww. Fat chance.
I do get a timeline post from Ryan though...this is his first.
Card was awesome! Thanks! :)
Dan sets up my BlueTooth with the new phone. It takes him a long while to figure it out but once he does, I'm elated. Dan surprises me with a long kiss. Lovely.
We launch into one of our long, "we could be here all night" chats. A lot of stuff was said, mostly by me of course. Maybe it's because it's Valentine's Day, maybe it's because Ryan keeps rejecting me, maybe it's because I'm scared, vulnerable, lonely and PMS-ing like a motherfucker. But all my pent up emotions rush out of me like running water. I can't stop the flood. I can't stop talking. Then I start crying. I want us to go back to how we used to be. I want us to be better, though. I want us to be together. I want to be happy...but with him.
I tell him what's the sense of us running around and being miserable without each other, when we always wind up back here. Can't we just learn to be happy with each other and enjoy the rest of life together?
"You make a good point," he says.
As usual, I get no answer from him. Neither a yes or a no. Just that he's got a lot to think about now. He tells me he still loves me. I tell him I still love him, too and I always will. No matter what.
We kiss good night and he wipes the tears from my face as I suck up my snot. He tells me not to cry so much.
And that's it. I'm stunned. Excited? Hopeful? I think more than anything, I am relieved. Whatever demon was lurking inside my heart, I got it out. Dan can make of it whatever he wants. I fear nothing.
Maybe this is true love. Maybe no matter how much I fuck it up or how much he fucks it up, it's meant to be. I don't worship him. I don't die if he doesn't call me. I don't squeal and I don't follow his every move. I just love him, unconditionally and truly.
Is there where I stop fighting it, the decade-long love of my life, and just accept it? Is this where I give in to happiness? I sure hope so.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Don't come back anytime..I've already had your kind.
My date with Jonathan quickly deteriorated into take-out and watching a DVD. A thinly veiled premise....how much longer before we start fucking?
Normally, I might be a little indignant but I don't think I like him enough to feel offended. I find him attractive but he hasn't much of a personality for me to start envisioning a relationship together. We don't have a lot of like interests. He's an ex-football player, enjoys rap/hip hop and smokes like a chimney (tobacco AND marijuana). I, unfortunately, am none of those things. I'm an ex-drama geek, enjoy punk rock and have never smoked a cigarette in my life. When we weren't fucking each others brains out last night, there were too many lulls in the conversation. *le sigh* Back to the drawing board?
The kid fucks like a champ. He's dynamite and I came so hard last night, I couldn't stop laughing. PURE JOY. But it didn't feel as wonderful, heart-melting or exciting as it is with Ryan. When I'm getting ready to have sex with Ryan, my whole body is teeming with adrenaline; I feel like I'm about to fuck a celebrity. When I'm about to have sex with Jonathan, I see it as a challenge of endurance...okay, how can I be better than him?
The tell-tale sign I'm not that into Jonathan? I haven't asked him how to spell his last name. I haven't felt a single twinge of desire to Facebook stalk him.
I might just keep Jonathan around as a fuck buddy in the classical sense. I don't think I'm going to be making the same heart-breaking mistake of falling for him as I did with Ryan.
Hmmm. On second thought, I wonder if Jonathan is even worth the trouble. His last string of text messages reveal him to be pretty fucking paranoid:
Jon: Hey did u move any of my paperwork I had laying around?
Me: Nope
Jon: I won't be mad if u did I just need to know.
Me: I get it but honestly, I didn't touch a single piece of paper. I knocked over that bottle and that was it. You're freakishly strong, I wouldn't want to get on ur bad side.
Jon: Ok then that leaves one person as the culprit
Me: Yourself? lol
Jon: No
Blech. What a dick. I am not calling him anytime soon.
Normally, I might be a little indignant but I don't think I like him enough to feel offended. I find him attractive but he hasn't much of a personality for me to start envisioning a relationship together. We don't have a lot of like interests. He's an ex-football player, enjoys rap/hip hop and smokes like a chimney (tobacco AND marijuana). I, unfortunately, am none of those things. I'm an ex-drama geek, enjoy punk rock and have never smoked a cigarette in my life. When we weren't fucking each others brains out last night, there were too many lulls in the conversation. *le sigh* Back to the drawing board?
The kid fucks like a champ. He's dynamite and I came so hard last night, I couldn't stop laughing. PURE JOY. But it didn't feel as wonderful, heart-melting or exciting as it is with Ryan. When I'm getting ready to have sex with Ryan, my whole body is teeming with adrenaline; I feel like I'm about to fuck a celebrity. When I'm about to have sex with Jonathan, I see it as a challenge of endurance...okay, how can I be better than him?
The tell-tale sign I'm not that into Jonathan? I haven't asked him how to spell his last name. I haven't felt a single twinge of desire to Facebook stalk him.
I might just keep Jonathan around as a fuck buddy in the classical sense. I don't think I'm going to be making the same heart-breaking mistake of falling for him as I did with Ryan.
Hmmm. On second thought, I wonder if Jonathan is even worth the trouble. His last string of text messages reveal him to be pretty fucking paranoid:
Jon: Hey did u move any of my paperwork I had laying around?
Me: Nope
Jon: I won't be mad if u did I just need to know.
Me: I get it but honestly, I didn't touch a single piece of paper. I knocked over that bottle and that was it. You're freakishly strong, I wouldn't want to get on ur bad side.
Jon: Ok then that leaves one person as the culprit
Me: Yourself? lol
Jon: No
Blech. What a dick. I am not calling him anytime soon.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Sail with me into the dark....
February seems to be a good month for me. I'm feeling extremely lucky and the ball is finally bouncing in my court. I'm holding my breath and taking a shot.
Last Thursday my office mates organized a group outing. We'd gotten a table at The Brass Monkey, a karaoke bar in the heart of Koreatown. I had a fun time watching my co-workers get progressively drunker on $3 margaritas while they embarrassed themselves on the mic. I was feeling particularly brave and decided to sing Tommy Tutone's 867-JENNY. I was awful but enjoyed myself nonetheless. I got lots of high-fives as I sat back down. What kept me entertained most of all was stealing glances at a young gentleman seated at the table next to us. It appeared he was also here with a group of his co-workers. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him: stocky build, facial hair, dark eyes, dark hair, dressed in a black shirt and jeans, clutching a beer in hand. His group kept moving around and I struggled to try and maybe catch his eye, but it was to no avail. Finally, I saw he had disappeared and thought nothing of it. I ended up leaving early as I was in the 3 hour parking lot.
Imagine my surprise when I exit the bar and the mystery guy is standing right there, milling about with his office mates, possibly deciding where they'd go next. I made oh-so-brief eye contact with him and then darted away. I stopped a few yards away where the group couldn't see me and decided what to do next. Should I give him my number? Should I just leave? Think. Think. THINK!!!
So I take a gamble. I scribble my name and number on a slip of paper. I take a deep breath and with my cheeks burning red, I walk up to him, tap him on his shoulder and hand him my digits.
"This is for you!" I say with a smirk. He takes the slip of paper, looks down at it and smiles as he looks back up at me. I walk away without a word as his co-workers begin to excitedly laugh and congratulate him. Or...they're making fun of him? I don't know. All I know is I never walked away and paid for parking that fast. I drive home and just as I'm about to exit the freeway, I get a text.
Him: Hi [...] this is Jonathan. From the Brass Monkey. How are you doin?
And thus began an hour long text conversation. I get all the essentials answered: he's 25, works at a law firm, has his own apartment in Koreatown a few minutes from the karaoke bar and he wants to see me soon. In fact, he asked if I'd come over to his place and watch a movie. Hahaha....no. I have work in the morning and I know that euphemism all too well. I am not getting up and driving across town for a spur of the moment booty call. So I decide to make him wait and ask if he'd be up drinks on Tuesday night after work. He's on and agrees to meet me at a bar near me. I'm grinning. We say goodnight and that's that.
You'd think that'd be the end of it all, but I was actually holding two conversations simultaneously. As I'm texting with Jonathan, I was also FB-chatting with Ryan. He asked me how karaoke went (I had invited him the night before as I know he's a HUGE fan but of course he had work) and I told him it went well. We start talking about work and how he wants to find a part-time job. I make a joke about employing him as my man servant.
Ryan: i'd like to pick up a shift. if you are available. hehe
Me: tonight? tomorrow night would be better.
Ryan: ok
Me: what time tomorrow? so u can start your shift at a reasonable hour. lol
Ryan: whenever. im off work. you can come tonite and have a short drive to wrk in the morn! hehe
Me: hmm tempting. but i'll pass
Ryan: heh ok
Me: tomorrow night, i can be there for dinner time.
Ryan: tomorrow it is.
Wow. So that easy huh? See, when I know he wants it, he makes himself soooo available.
Slowest day possible of course and I'm suppressing butterflies in my stomach as I wait to see Ryan. Then it all goes by so quickly...I'm standing outside of his door, clutching my overnight bag and feeling my heart slam in my chest. He greets me with a hug and the hours start to melt away.
Ryan drives us to Silverlake and we have dinner at Dusty's Bistro (yeah, this actually feels like a REAL DATE). I make a big deal over the fact that the restaurant has candlelight and cloth napkins. Ryan gets a kick out of my childlike wonder. We order our fancy schmancy dinners and I show him my (first) new tattoo. He gingerly touches around my wrist and smiles: "That's fucking badass!" he says and I feel so happy. He listens intently as I tell him about meeting Chino and in the back of my head, I hope the people around us at the restaurant can see how great we appear together. I hope they think we're a real couple. I hope the waiter thinks he's my boyfriend...fiancé...or husband.
As we walk out of the restaurant and into the cold air of the street, he thanks me and pulls me close in a sideways hug. (sighhhh)
Back at his place we watch Hanna and eventually start fooling around. I make him wait as I really want to see the whole movie and then jump on blowing him as soon as the credits start to roll. I am not joking but Ryan is probably some of the best sex I've ever had. God, it feels soooooo good. We end the night with some warm cuddling and UFO conspiracy videos.
The next morning we slowly take our time getting up. After a quick breakfast bj (he comes on my tits and it's awesome), we cuddle and watch UFC videos on YouTube. We also watch an episode of Land of the Lost. I think the best part was us trolling around on a Facebook fan page for Gay Cholos. He and I crack each other up so much. I try not to laugh too hard for fear of waking up his roommate, but shit...Ryan is so funny. We get up around 10 am. I gotta go home to shower and he's going to the horse track with his parents. He's placed two bets and is excited at the possiblity of winning $10,000. Here he is posing with his tickets:
(He didn't win.)
We say goodbye in front his car and I love that in broad daylight with neighbors around, he kisses me on the mouth and then nibbles on my neck. I tell him we should meet up for Valentines. He says that Valentines is his time for solitude. I laugh and walk away, claiming I'd be wet before I'd even get to his house. He laughs and that's that. Sighhh. I like SO MUCH.
Saturday night rears it's ugly head and my plans are slowly deteriorating. This will be the theme for the rest of the night. Lauren is sick and can't go with me to see comedians record a podcast at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club in Citywalk. Sandy can't fill in, she's out with friends. My friend Darren says he can meet me for dinner but not the comedy show. I say that's fine and resolve to see it alone. Just as I'm about to jet, I get a text from Jonathan. We chat quickly but through a series of misunderstandings, he thinks I'm asking him to come out with me after the show. Uhm...sure I guess.
Jonathan: For you, my night just became open. 11 pm isn't too late.
So, I guess I have plans.
Dinner with Darren is fine. He's my best male friend and we're strictly platonic. I've friend-zoned him until oblivion. We talk about relationships and he wishes me luck with both Ryan and Jonathan.
11 pm rolls around and I meet with Jonathan who was pleasantly not late. He looks cute! Unfortunately, my plans keep fucking up. All of the bars at Citywalk are closing or have strict dress codes. Jonathan asks if I'd like to come over to his place and have a drink. Uhhh....uhhh....whatever I guess. I promise myself I won't sleep with him and actually be SMART about this one.
Short drive to Koreatown. We walk to the nearby liquor store and grab a bottle of whiskey. We make the usual "getting to know you" chit-chat and I like that I can make him laugh. He's got a very quiet, reserved laugh. Almost like he's keeping the joke to himself.
As soon as I walk into his apartment, I realize he's just moved in. The living room is bare except for a couch and coffee table. The walls still smell of fresh paint. He says he's been there for a couple of weeks. We sit on his one couch, listen to music and keep getting to know each other. I am delighted to find out he's half-Persian, half-Salvadorian. I am also half Salvie! Lovely. As the alcohol seeps into my veins, I feel warmer. I take off my jacket. I feel us scooting closer on the couch. I feel my hand gestures getting wilder. My laugh is easier, I feel more comfortable. Of course I want to go into his room, get on his bed and watch a movie! Oh God.
I thumb through his DVD collection and settle on Seven. We both agree we should watch a movie we've seen already so we can talk over it. It's only a matter of time before we're trading massages, making out, taking clothes off...I tell him I don't want to have sex for fear of how I've gotten burned for putting out too fast. He understands but I don't think he cares. He kisses me like crazy. I beg to suck his dick. "Okay, but only if you'll let me touch your vagina!" he demands. Oh jeez. He goes down on me after I blow him (not very big but circumcised! YAY!)....and that pretty much seals the deal. We're not waiting. We're having sex NOW.
He's a very quiet, sweet person outside of the bedroom....but between the sheets this kid is totally different. He fucks violently and aggressively. He fucks me so hard. He puts a hurtin' on me. My nipples are sore. He bites me. Runs his fingernails down my back. He doesn't just spank my ass, he punishes me with strong, hard blows. I lost track of my orgasms. I have to beg him to stop. I can't fuck anymore. It's 3 am and I have to go home.
He walks me back to my car. I limp. He smokes a cigarette. As we say goodnight, I tell him to not be a dick and call me. We're still on for Tuesday and though he generally seems to be excited to see me again, I've been here before. I haven't decided if I like him yet. He intrigues me. He calls me out on my shit. He takes charge when necessary but still retains an air of politeness. He's quiet, as I've said, which makes him mysterious. He doesn't put it all out there and that interests me greatly. Hmmm. We'll see how Tuesday goes.
By the way, sleeping with two guys in the same 24 hour period really leaves your nipples sore to the touch. Owwww. My muscles ache. BUT I'M SATISFIED!!! :D
Last Thursday my office mates organized a group outing. We'd gotten a table at The Brass Monkey, a karaoke bar in the heart of Koreatown. I had a fun time watching my co-workers get progressively drunker on $3 margaritas while they embarrassed themselves on the mic. I was feeling particularly brave and decided to sing Tommy Tutone's 867-JENNY. I was awful but enjoyed myself nonetheless. I got lots of high-fives as I sat back down. What kept me entertained most of all was stealing glances at a young gentleman seated at the table next to us. It appeared he was also here with a group of his co-workers. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him: stocky build, facial hair, dark eyes, dark hair, dressed in a black shirt and jeans, clutching a beer in hand. His group kept moving around and I struggled to try and maybe catch his eye, but it was to no avail. Finally, I saw he had disappeared and thought nothing of it. I ended up leaving early as I was in the 3 hour parking lot.
Imagine my surprise when I exit the bar and the mystery guy is standing right there, milling about with his office mates, possibly deciding where they'd go next. I made oh-so-brief eye contact with him and then darted away. I stopped a few yards away where the group couldn't see me and decided what to do next. Should I give him my number? Should I just leave? Think. Think. THINK!!!
So I take a gamble. I scribble my name and number on a slip of paper. I take a deep breath and with my cheeks burning red, I walk up to him, tap him on his shoulder and hand him my digits.
"This is for you!" I say with a smirk. He takes the slip of paper, looks down at it and smiles as he looks back up at me. I walk away without a word as his co-workers begin to excitedly laugh and congratulate him. Or...they're making fun of him? I don't know. All I know is I never walked away and paid for parking that fast. I drive home and just as I'm about to exit the freeway, I get a text.
Him: Hi [...] this is Jonathan. From the Brass Monkey. How are you doin?
And thus began an hour long text conversation. I get all the essentials answered: he's 25, works at a law firm, has his own apartment in Koreatown a few minutes from the karaoke bar and he wants to see me soon. In fact, he asked if I'd come over to his place and watch a movie. Hahaha....no. I have work in the morning and I know that euphemism all too well. I am not getting up and driving across town for a spur of the moment booty call. So I decide to make him wait and ask if he'd be up drinks on Tuesday night after work. He's on and agrees to meet me at a bar near me. I'm grinning. We say goodnight and that's that.
You'd think that'd be the end of it all, but I was actually holding two conversations simultaneously. As I'm texting with Jonathan, I was also FB-chatting with Ryan. He asked me how karaoke went (I had invited him the night before as I know he's a HUGE fan but of course he had work) and I told him it went well. We start talking about work and how he wants to find a part-time job. I make a joke about employing him as my man servant.
Ryan: i'd like to pick up a shift. if you are available. hehe
Me: tonight? tomorrow night would be better.
Ryan: ok
Me: what time tomorrow? so u can start your shift at a reasonable hour. lol
Ryan: whenever. im off work. you can come tonite and have a short drive to wrk in the morn! hehe
Me: hmm tempting. but i'll pass
Ryan: heh ok
Me: tomorrow night, i can be there for dinner time.
Ryan: tomorrow it is.
Wow. So that easy huh? See, when I know he wants it, he makes himself soooo available.
Slowest day possible of course and I'm suppressing butterflies in my stomach as I wait to see Ryan. Then it all goes by so quickly...I'm standing outside of his door, clutching my overnight bag and feeling my heart slam in my chest. He greets me with a hug and the hours start to melt away.
Ryan drives us to Silverlake and we have dinner at Dusty's Bistro (yeah, this actually feels like a REAL DATE). I make a big deal over the fact that the restaurant has candlelight and cloth napkins. Ryan gets a kick out of my childlike wonder. We order our fancy schmancy dinners and I show him my (first) new tattoo. He gingerly touches around my wrist and smiles: "That's fucking badass!" he says and I feel so happy. He listens intently as I tell him about meeting Chino and in the back of my head, I hope the people around us at the restaurant can see how great we appear together. I hope they think we're a real couple. I hope the waiter thinks he's my boyfriend...fiancé...or husband.
As we walk out of the restaurant and into the cold air of the street, he thanks me and pulls me close in a sideways hug. (sighhhh)
Back at his place we watch Hanna and eventually start fooling around. I make him wait as I really want to see the whole movie and then jump on blowing him as soon as the credits start to roll. I am not joking but Ryan is probably some of the best sex I've ever had. God, it feels soooooo good. We end the night with some warm cuddling and UFO conspiracy videos.
The next morning we slowly take our time getting up. After a quick breakfast bj (he comes on my tits and it's awesome), we cuddle and watch UFC videos on YouTube. We also watch an episode of Land of the Lost. I think the best part was us trolling around on a Facebook fan page for Gay Cholos. He and I crack each other up so much. I try not to laugh too hard for fear of waking up his roommate, but shit...Ryan is so funny. We get up around 10 am. I gotta go home to shower and he's going to the horse track with his parents. He's placed two bets and is excited at the possiblity of winning $10,000. Here he is posing with his tickets:
(He didn't win.)
We say goodbye in front his car and I love that in broad daylight with neighbors around, he kisses me on the mouth and then nibbles on my neck. I tell him we should meet up for Valentines. He says that Valentines is his time for solitude. I laugh and walk away, claiming I'd be wet before I'd even get to his house. He laughs and that's that. Sighhh. I like SO MUCH.
Saturday night rears it's ugly head and my plans are slowly deteriorating. This will be the theme for the rest of the night. Lauren is sick and can't go with me to see comedians record a podcast at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club in Citywalk. Sandy can't fill in, she's out with friends. My friend Darren says he can meet me for dinner but not the comedy show. I say that's fine and resolve to see it alone. Just as I'm about to jet, I get a text from Jonathan. We chat quickly but through a series of misunderstandings, he thinks I'm asking him to come out with me after the show. Uhm...sure I guess.
Jonathan: For you, my night just became open. 11 pm isn't too late.
So, I guess I have plans.
Dinner with Darren is fine. He's my best male friend and we're strictly platonic. I've friend-zoned him until oblivion. We talk about relationships and he wishes me luck with both Ryan and Jonathan.
11 pm rolls around and I meet with Jonathan who was pleasantly not late. He looks cute! Unfortunately, my plans keep fucking up. All of the bars at Citywalk are closing or have strict dress codes. Jonathan asks if I'd like to come over to his place and have a drink. Uhhh....uhhh....whatever I guess. I promise myself I won't sleep with him and actually be SMART about this one.
Short drive to Koreatown. We walk to the nearby liquor store and grab a bottle of whiskey. We make the usual "getting to know you" chit-chat and I like that I can make him laugh. He's got a very quiet, reserved laugh. Almost like he's keeping the joke to himself.
As soon as I walk into his apartment, I realize he's just moved in. The living room is bare except for a couch and coffee table. The walls still smell of fresh paint. He says he's been there for a couple of weeks. We sit on his one couch, listen to music and keep getting to know each other. I am delighted to find out he's half-Persian, half-Salvadorian. I am also half Salvie! Lovely. As the alcohol seeps into my veins, I feel warmer. I take off my jacket. I feel us scooting closer on the couch. I feel my hand gestures getting wilder. My laugh is easier, I feel more comfortable. Of course I want to go into his room, get on his bed and watch a movie! Oh God.
I thumb through his DVD collection and settle on Seven. We both agree we should watch a movie we've seen already so we can talk over it. It's only a matter of time before we're trading massages, making out, taking clothes off...I tell him I don't want to have sex for fear of how I've gotten burned for putting out too fast. He understands but I don't think he cares. He kisses me like crazy. I beg to suck his dick. "Okay, but only if you'll let me touch your vagina!" he demands. Oh jeez. He goes down on me after I blow him (not very big but circumcised! YAY!)....and that pretty much seals the deal. We're not waiting. We're having sex NOW.
He's a very quiet, sweet person outside of the bedroom....but between the sheets this kid is totally different. He fucks violently and aggressively. He fucks me so hard. He puts a hurtin' on me. My nipples are sore. He bites me. Runs his fingernails down my back. He doesn't just spank my ass, he punishes me with strong, hard blows. I lost track of my orgasms. I have to beg him to stop. I can't fuck anymore. It's 3 am and I have to go home.
He walks me back to my car. I limp. He smokes a cigarette. As we say goodnight, I tell him to not be a dick and call me. We're still on for Tuesday and though he generally seems to be excited to see me again, I've been here before. I haven't decided if I like him yet. He intrigues me. He calls me out on my shit. He takes charge when necessary but still retains an air of politeness. He's quiet, as I've said, which makes him mysterious. He doesn't put it all out there and that interests me greatly. Hmmm. We'll see how Tuesday goes.
By the way, sleeping with two guys in the same 24 hour period really leaves your nipples sore to the touch. Owwww. My muscles ache. BUT I'M SATISFIED!!! :D
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I could float here forever....
No matter whatever happens between me and the entire dating population of this world, they can't take away from me the immense pleasure and honor it was to meet my idol, Chino Moreno.
I have been a fan of Chino's band Deftones for years. I even like his side projects, Team Sleep and most notably now Crosses.
Through sheer dumb luck, I ran into him outside of the Glass House in Pomona before the Crosses show. I snapped a picture and got him to autograph my wrist....which I then promptly got tattooed. Heh.
Ack. I look fat.
The man is gorgeous, extremely gifted musically and is incredibly down to Earth. I need to find a soul mate like him.
Before I took the plunge and got the tattoo, I called several of my friends and fellow Deftones fans for insight. All of them, including Ryan, told me to go for it. I actually really like the way Ryan put it, when I felt a slight twinge of regret.
Me: speaking of which, my office mate and I agreed. i am now cholo-adjacent by getting a man's nickname tatted on my wrist.
Ryan: you got a man with talent and a purpose in lifes name on you. not some loser cholo.
:)
I have been a fan of Chino's band Deftones for years. I even like his side projects, Team Sleep and most notably now Crosses.
Through sheer dumb luck, I ran into him outside of the Glass House in Pomona before the Crosses show. I snapped a picture and got him to autograph my wrist....which I then promptly got tattooed. Heh.
Ack. I look fat.
The man is gorgeous, extremely gifted musically and is incredibly down to Earth. I need to find a soul mate like him.
Before I took the plunge and got the tattoo, I called several of my friends and fellow Deftones fans for insight. All of them, including Ryan, told me to go for it. I actually really like the way Ryan put it, when I felt a slight twinge of regret.
Me: speaking of which, my office mate and I agreed. i am now cholo-adjacent by getting a man's nickname tatted on my wrist.
Ryan: you got a man with talent and a purpose in lifes name on you. not some loser cholo.
:)
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