We found love in a hopeless place....

Valentines's Day is not supposed to start a domino effect....Valentine's Day is not supposed to be a hurricane of emotions.....Valentine's Day is not supposed to be a chain reaction...Valentine's Day is not supposed to make you take back everything you ever said...isn't Valentine's about silly Hallmark greeting cards? Pink and red hearts? Chocolates, teddy bears, a dozen roses and syrupy emotions?

Valentine's Day is not supposed to be a new beginning for what was supposed to be over.

But somehow...last night...it was.

It started innocently enough on Sunday night. I knew Dan was back from Georgia. He had left California to train with NCR. He's going to be working on cash registers. Our phone bill was due last week and I discovered that he had not paid it. I reluctantly handed over the money and in the process got myself a new iPhone 4s. Oooh fancy. I wanted to speak to him about FINALLY separating our phone lines, but the cost of having our own accounts was a little more than he and I were willing to pay. I decided to play nice and get him to cough up his half of the bill this week. Without even trying, I started a strange reconciliation.

Me: any plans for valentines?
Dan: Nope. what about you?
Me: Nothing. probably an ugly cry, single girls dinner with Sandy and getting an invishield for my phone.
Dan: what happened with your beau?
Me: he wasnt interested in a serious relationship
Dan: ah i see.
Me: like we still go out...but that's it. so i'm back at square one.
Dan: i see. well that's how it goes i guess.
Me: Yeppers
Dan: sorry. i was honestly hoping it would work out.
Me: Me too. i took a gamble...i went with my heart and my gut...i didnt want to cut you out. ultimately i should've gone with my brain...or logic...i dunno
Dan: i dunno...who can say what's right and wrong in all of this. we do the best with what we're given.
Me: this is true. theres no sense in crying about it now, i suppose
Dan: yeah i mean things happen for a reason. but do remember you can give me a call if you wanna do something or whatever.
Me: i just want you to know, i'm not mad at you or want to avoid you. i miss you heaps and wish we could go back to being friends like before...but i feel ive hurt your feelings too badly...or made too much damage
Dan: eh....i was mad for a while. but the next morning i kinda thought better of it and thought that it'd be best to just let you do your thing and see what happened and not get in the way. that's why i made myself scare for a while. i didn't want to keep showing up all the time.
Me: i appreciate that
Dan: yeah....i dunno. i just felt like i couldn't and didn't want to force things.
Me: its probably for the best. you needed to concentrate in GA. and i needed to figure things out. here i am on the other side of February...and i know where i stand. i do want to hang out with you. like...soon hahah....
Dan: well, we'll see how things go.....

[we talked more about his job...then I couldn't control myself...I took a shot in the dark]

Me: do you want to be horribly ironic and go out on tuesday? after work?
Dan: what's Tuesday?
Me: for people like us...its just tuesday. for couples, its valentines
Dan: oh...haha. hence the horribly ironic part. i see. yeah i guess so. i don't have any plans. if you want to wait around in line in a restaurant.
Me: no...i dont...we can do something else. like get an invishield on the phone and get fast food. we can be anti-valentines
Dan: ok. they sell them at best buy. there's one by my house.

And thus began one of the weirdest Valentine's I have ever had.

Phase 1: My original plan, before the whole Dan situation arose, was to have only one guy be my Valentine. I wanted so bad for Ryan to be that guy. I made up my mind that I was going to him a Valentines Day card, no matter what. I don't care if he doesn't reciprocate, I just want to do something nice for the closest person I have felt any feelings for. So I fill out a goofy card and ask him if I can deliver it in person. He lies and says he's out to lunch with friends despite the fact that I see he's online and posting random anti-Valentines Day crap on Facebook. Whatever. I stuff it in his mailbox, careful to avoid his creepy drug-dealing neighbors and vamoose.

Phase 2: Right on time *for once!* Dan shows up at my house to pick me up in his new work car: a white 2012 Kia Sorrento. He also gives me a single, red silk rose with a tiny teddy bear on it that says "I LOVE YOU." I don't even hesitate: I say thank you and kiss him on the lips. Here we go.

Dan paid for my HD-shield, a Skullcandy hard plastic case and the installation for my new phone in lieu of his half of the cell bill. I won't lie; it felt real nice to be alongside him again....wandering around the electronics department and catching up on life. It's like no time has gone by. It's like we've never hurt each others feelings. We settle on cheap for dinner and hit up the local Denny's. It's not long before I see that Ryan has "liked" my check-in to the Denny's in East L.A. or Jay cramming in a text almost instantly:

"happy valentine's day, beautiful."

Awww. Fat chance.

I do get a timeline post from Ryan though...this is his first.

Card was awesome! Thanks! :)

Dan sets up my BlueTooth with the new phone. It takes him a long while to figure it out but once he does, I'm elated. Dan surprises me with a long kiss. Lovely.

We launch into one of our long, "we could be here all night" chats. A lot of stuff was said, mostly by me of course. Maybe it's because it's Valentine's Day, maybe it's because Ryan keeps rejecting me, maybe it's because I'm scared, vulnerable, lonely and PMS-ing like a motherfucker. But all my pent up emotions rush out of me like running water. I can't stop the flood. I can't stop talking. Then I start crying. I want us to go back to how we used to be. I want us to be better, though. I want us to be together. I want to be happy...but with him.

I tell him what's the sense of us running around and being miserable without each other, when we always wind up back here. Can't we just learn to be happy with each other and enjoy the rest of life together?

"You make a good point," he says.

As usual, I get no answer from him. Neither a yes or a no. Just that he's got a lot to think about now. He tells me he still loves me. I tell him I still love him, too and I always will. No matter what.

We kiss good night and he wipes the tears from my face as I suck up my snot. He tells me not to cry so much.

And that's it. I'm stunned. Excited? Hopeful? I think more than anything, I am relieved. Whatever demon was lurking inside my heart, I got it out. Dan can make of it whatever he wants. I fear nothing.

Maybe this is true love. Maybe no matter how much I fuck it up or how much he fucks it up, it's meant to be. I don't worship him. I don't die if he doesn't call me. I don't squeal and I don't follow his every move. I just love him, unconditionally and truly.

Is there where I stop fighting it, the decade-long love of my life, and just accept it? Is this where I give in to happiness? I sure hope so.