Trying very hard to not get swept up in all these new emotions. I am trying my very hardest not to become all cliché about all this and instantly forget the past. I recognize that it's okay to allow myself to feel love and express it but I can't let it get out of control. It's great to let your heart lead for once but you can't ignore your brain. I'm almost scared to let my heart lead again. My gut feelings haven't paid off very well these last couple of years.
Dan and I met up on Saturday. We were back to our usual routine of 7-11 and then guitar lesson in Studio City, only this time he drove over to pick me up. My friend Sandy warned me not to settle into the same old situation with him and let ourselves become comfortable again. No commitment, no restrictions and we're back to how we were before November, before Ryan, before it all felt apart so abruptly. Did I really want to go back to waiting around for him to turn his heart around? No. No. No. I don't want that. I want to progress, I want to go forward with Dan, I don't want to be stuck in park for years and years.
I see the potential in what Dan and I have. If there's any man I could trust to not cheat on me, to be there, to be responsible and man up when he has to, it's him. It's true we've turned each other away so many times over the years, yet we are always drawn to each other like magnets. I feel all of the pressure of having to change things things around and patching together the holes we've gouged into our happy union, but I'm ready for it. I know it can be remedied. I know that the love I feel for Dan is strong; it's stronger than anything I've ever felt ever before. It's caught me by surprise and I want to give it the chance it deserves to fix things.
Maybe we should have waited, but we wasted no opportunity to get physical. I had today off and he was working. Before he started his shift with NCR, Dan stopped by in the morning and we had sex. Just like riding a bike, I suppose. (Oooh that's a bad metaphor, at least in reference to me). I didn't bother to tell Dan I've slept with like 3 days guys in the interim. I've kept it all, mostly, safe. I don't think he necessarily needs to know that.
I guess what I've found hardest to do is wean myself off the attention of other guys. I'm slowly getting there.
1. I deleted my e-harmony account. I don't see the sense in paying money to go on dates with guys. It's true, e-harmony probably has quality guys that are hungry for commitment and marriage, but I can't deny the fact that I'm still in love with someone else. No need to sabotage complete strangers lives, too.
2. I still keep in somewhat contact with Abe, the cute Texas boy from the Deftones forums on Facebook. He asked to talk to me on the phone the other day and we had a nice conversation. Then he got drunk on Friday night and we had a 2-hour conversation replete with sexual references, cussing, making fun of each other and yelling. Nothing bad, of course, just odd. I don't know if I'd ever date him seriously, but he might be fun for some random hookups. Too bad I'm a thousand miles away.
3. No more running after Ryan and begging him to see me. I'm just going to play it cool. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, no big deal. I've got heavier things to handle.
4. Keep telling Rob to fuck off. He's been texting me a lot, always acting like he's THIS CLOSE to hanging out with me but oh no, blah blah blah excuse excuse excuse. I laid it down harsh a couple of nights ago. Frustrated, I told him it wasn't fair to his girlfriend for him to be always on my tail. I think he got a little miffed and apologize. Then this afternoon he promised not to keep asking me out. I gotta stay strong. It brings me no good karma to flirt with another girl's boyfriend.
Needless to say, my love life is very weird right now. I feel like I'm in some gray area. A calm before the storm. Like there's a change-over coming, I can feel it. I just hope it's positive.
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