My religious and social experiment is almost drawing to a close. Staying away from sex and other vices has really given me perspective in how I factor into my own dating life. It's become painfully clear as to what guys only like me because of how liberal I am in my sex life (Ryan, Dan....Rob, to a certain extent) and what guys have absolutely no interest in me whatsoever (sadly, Alfonso). As I have withheld sex, so have the invitations to come over and hang out. I've tried not to just lay here and languish at how forgotten or unappreciated I am but I will admit, it was inevitable. Thank God for my girlfriends; without them I'd be lost in a pit of despair.
Rob texted me on St. Paddy's Day, like at 2 am, of course: "Hello beautiful."
I didn't answer. GO TO HELL.
It's funny how staying away from Ryan has made him so much friendlier. We chatted not too long ago. He's such a goofball! I had no intention of seeing him, but I thought I'd keep my options open.
Ryan: I've been fighting a battle for the past few days. an internal battle. with constipation!!!
Me: lol. sexy! prunes?
Ryan: i tried lots of water and herbal shit. then i just got stool softener pills. i feel better now. but still backed up. haha. I'm usually a flume hahaha.
Me: I'm so happy we've reached this point in our friendship where you can tell me this. LOL LOL
Ryan: hahaha
Me: so besides not shitting, what else have you been up to?
Ryan: working, applying for other jobs, black metal. elevating my levels of misanthropy and nihilism till they reach creative levels.
Me: always good. i feel we haven't hung out in foreverrsss
Ryan: its been a tad long
Me: we should remedy that
Ryan: indeed. I'll let you whats goin on. I've been closing lately :(
Me: cool. next week might be better anyway. let me take you out to dinner again, we'll get lots of fiber in you. pooping is good.
Ryan: hahaha. i prefer grease. hahahaha
Me: grease sounds fine to me. whatever unclogs the pipes. black magic might work. the dark arts.
Things with Dan have fizzled. My great love affair with him was done before it ever began. He's been baptized into the Church of Latter Day Saints. He's a Mormon now. That part of him is lost to me. Forever? Maybe. But this gives me a reason, a damn good one, to stop waiting. We were excellent lovers. Now we can only be friends.
Speaking of friends....I feel the closer Alfonso gets to moving back to LA, the further away he's from my reach. It's like a lifetime, like a huge mountain, to get him to notice me. I tried in vain to stoke the fires....I'm an idiot. Those embers have long been extinguished.
Me: I know ur in LA briefly, so I won't pester u with a request to hang out. If you need anything when u do return, please let me know. Very shocking ur moving back but delightful! I've got tons of questions! Hope to see ya soon.
Ughhh. I told myself not to write a novel...but I just wanted to talk to him, to make him notice me, to remember that I still like him. But he never responded. Maybe he was busy? Maybe he rolled his eyes when he saw it was me? I'll never know. I feel like Alfonso is slowly stuffing me into the trunk of his friend-zone car. Shhh. Put this gag over your mouth. You'll never be my girlfriend.
I know he's alive....he posted:
Alfonso: back to the Boston life, for the time being. Arbouring it up after my red-eye here.
Boston, i love you, but i gotta get to LA ;)
No more contacting....no more moves...not until he's back for good. Why was this so easy two summers ago? How did I make the impossible a reality? Why is it now so hard when he's only going to be a minute away from me? Oh, I want him...I want him...I want him but I can't do anything right.
No Getting Laid Lent: 30 days down, 10 to go.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
And when she passes, he smiles but she doesn't see
I've had the weekend to mull over this Alfonso thing. It totally threw me for a loop and I really have no clue what I should be doing next...I mean, *should* I be doing anything? No idea.
I had my ducks all in a row regarding the Dan thing. I know remaining celibate would allow me to take sex out of the equation and let my true feelings for him develop on their own. I am finding more and more that Dan is not very interested in me. He's always cancelling on me, finding excuses to leave me hanging, bowing to his parents every request and being obnoxious about my whole no-sex Lent. I think he imagined I would drop everything and fuck him at every opportunity. He acts like he's just playing around, but I can tell he's distracted by something (or someone else). I'm starting to feel like runner-up again...or worse yet, third in line at best. It's going to be very easy to stay away from him. I know when I'm not wanted. (sigh) I guess that whole confessional I went through a couple of weeks ago means nothing to him.
I remove sex from the table and grit my teeth every time I see a prime spot to grab Ryan's attention. NO. RESIST THE URGE. DON'T THROW YOURSELF AT HIM. HE'S NOT WORTH IT AND HE ACTS LIKE YOU'RE NOT EVEN ALIVE. I should tattoo this mantra on my forearms every time I see him active on Facebook. Pithy FB comments are not real forms of affection, stupid. Get it through your thick skull. Ugh. God, I need a reality check...a wake up call. If Ryan really wanted me around, he would ask me. He'd be a gentleman and I should start acting like a lady, not some late-night floozy.
Withdrawing from hook-ups and casual sex has taught me to value myself more. I am a goddamn Berkeley graduate who made the Dean's List. I am intelligent, poised, responsible, caring, a hard-worker and a good daughter. I am a great friend. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, PEOPLE LIKE ME. (thank you Stuart Smalley!)
I am NOT the other woman, I am not a home-wrecker, I am not a tease, I am not a booty call, I am not an after-thought, I am not trash, I am not Plan B and I am not a bottom bitch. I am more than just a vagina with impeccable taste in music. Dammit. I am more.
This is why I am going to stop talking to Jay. My flight to New York City in August is officially booked. I informed him and things got a little out of hand on text. We were dirty-talking....and it still felt creepy to me. Ewwww. I don't want any part of him in my life. He may turn into a hook-up in August, but if Lent is any indication of how my life is headed, Jay might just be in for the psyche-out of his life. That kid's not boyfriend material. He isn't even summer time fling material. Which is why I should stop leading him on. Flirting with a guy shouldn't leave you feeling so slimy. Ughhh.
So now I'm just left with a problem called Alfonso.
There's just so much potential between us, now that I know he's moving back here. I feel like he and I could hit it off, maybe even better, than last time. I mean the time we had that terrific encounter in Boston, not the crash and burn of him visiting LA back in December. *sigh* There's this spark, this rush I feel when I think about him. My heart somersaults but I hesitate to imagine anything more. Alfonso is a special brand of guy. He isn't some fool you just kiss and throw away. He's a good guy with good principles and a good heart. So much goodness, it should make me puke right? But no! I want to pull him close and never let him go. I want to help him, I want to make sure he's alright. I want to be a better person around him, make positive changes in my life and work together on finding out true happiness. I feel like I could be even more, if I was with him. And that should mean something, right? I'm thinking it's a sign.
I wonder if this whole revelation of Alfonso moving back home is the reality-check I was waiting for. This bucket of cold water that's been dumped on me could either wake me up from the drudgery of dating life....or drown me into oblivion.
No Getting Laid Lent: 19 days down, 21 to go.
I had my ducks all in a row regarding the Dan thing. I know remaining celibate would allow me to take sex out of the equation and let my true feelings for him develop on their own. I am finding more and more that Dan is not very interested in me. He's always cancelling on me, finding excuses to leave me hanging, bowing to his parents every request and being obnoxious about my whole no-sex Lent. I think he imagined I would drop everything and fuck him at every opportunity. He acts like he's just playing around, but I can tell he's distracted by something (or someone else). I'm starting to feel like runner-up again...or worse yet, third in line at best. It's going to be very easy to stay away from him. I know when I'm not wanted. (sigh) I guess that whole confessional I went through a couple of weeks ago means nothing to him.
I remove sex from the table and grit my teeth every time I see a prime spot to grab Ryan's attention. NO. RESIST THE URGE. DON'T THROW YOURSELF AT HIM. HE'S NOT WORTH IT AND HE ACTS LIKE YOU'RE NOT EVEN ALIVE. I should tattoo this mantra on my forearms every time I see him active on Facebook. Pithy FB comments are not real forms of affection, stupid. Get it through your thick skull. Ugh. God, I need a reality check...a wake up call. If Ryan really wanted me around, he would ask me. He'd be a gentleman and I should start acting like a lady, not some late-night floozy.
Withdrawing from hook-ups and casual sex has taught me to value myself more. I am a goddamn Berkeley graduate who made the Dean's List. I am intelligent, poised, responsible, caring, a hard-worker and a good daughter. I am a great friend. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, PEOPLE LIKE ME. (thank you Stuart Smalley!)
I am NOT the other woman, I am not a home-wrecker, I am not a tease, I am not a booty call, I am not an after-thought, I am not trash, I am not Plan B and I am not a bottom bitch. I am more than just a vagina with impeccable taste in music. Dammit. I am more.
This is why I am going to stop talking to Jay. My flight to New York City in August is officially booked. I informed him and things got a little out of hand on text. We were dirty-talking....and it still felt creepy to me. Ewwww. I don't want any part of him in my life. He may turn into a hook-up in August, but if Lent is any indication of how my life is headed, Jay might just be in for the psyche-out of his life. That kid's not boyfriend material. He isn't even summer time fling material. Which is why I should stop leading him on. Flirting with a guy shouldn't leave you feeling so slimy. Ughhh.
So now I'm just left with a problem called Alfonso.
There's just so much potential between us, now that I know he's moving back here. I feel like he and I could hit it off, maybe even better, than last time. I mean the time we had that terrific encounter in Boston, not the crash and burn of him visiting LA back in December. *sigh* There's this spark, this rush I feel when I think about him. My heart somersaults but I hesitate to imagine anything more. Alfonso is a special brand of guy. He isn't some fool you just kiss and throw away. He's a good guy with good principles and a good heart. So much goodness, it should make me puke right? But no! I want to pull him close and never let him go. I want to help him, I want to make sure he's alright. I want to be a better person around him, make positive changes in my life and work together on finding out true happiness. I feel like I could be even more, if I was with him. And that should mean something, right? I'm thinking it's a sign.
I wonder if this whole revelation of Alfonso moving back home is the reality-check I was waiting for. This bucket of cold water that's been dumped on me could either wake me up from the drudgery of dating life....or drown me into oblivion.
No Getting Laid Lent: 19 days down, 21 to go.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Now my heart is full...
Big news. Huge news...I don't even know how to start, so I'm going to let Alfonso, my perfect Boston boy explain:
I...I...I don't even...I'm speechless, my mind is blank, my heart is scared of even getting excited and there's about a dozen different thoughts, emotions and concerns all crashing inside of my soul.
OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.
*ahem* He will be mine. Oh yes, he will be mine.
Excuse me while I step away from the computer and make sense of this. How am I going to pull this off? Is he still dating that one girl? Will it be weird if approach him again? Fuck!!!
I've only fantasized of this scenario and now it's coming true. I don't know if I'm happy or just delusional...but I want him. I want him bad. Get ready, heart of mine. We ride again!
No Getting Laid Lent: 16 days down, 24 to go.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live..
As I approach two weeks on my celibate journey, I cringe to think of how much time is left to go. I won't lie, I've been heavily tempted....mostly from my knack for jumping to conclusions.
Ever since Valentine's Day, I've noticed Ryan has taken up to liking several of my posts on Facebook. This weekend alone he liked two and commented on one particular status update...
Me: Wanderlust. Bring on the hot man Paul Rudd!
Ever since Valentine's Day, I've noticed Ryan has taken up to liking several of my posts on Facebook. This weekend alone he liked two and commented on one particular status update...
Me: Wanderlust. Bring on the hot man Paul Rudd!
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Yeah, I know...it doesn't really mean anything, at least not in a man's mind...but in a woman's mind, your thoughts go wild and rampant...Oh! He must like me! HE MUST! HE CAN'T GET ME OFF HIS MIND!! *swoon* *sighhhh*
Little scraps of attention to keep me going....to stave off hopelessness and convince myself that deep down in the crevices of his rotten heart, he still holds a dying ember of fondness for me. I was being the strong one and not commenting or liking any of his crap...then finally I couldn't resist and said something in regards to Mormons...then I hit him up on chat last night...at least it wasn't an open invitation to sex!
Me: hey stranger
Ryan: yo. I'm mad right now. i just got home. theater keys still in my pocket. i have to go back. now i lose my parking space!
Me: ohhh :(
Ryan: :(
Me: go on then, don't let me bother you
Ryan: it's ok. I'm over it. i need to change my clothes
Me: i hate when that happens, when you're supposed to close and you leave...its always a nasty sinking feeling in your stomach
Ryan: i need a better job. this one is bullshit. but yea i know that feeling and fucking gas SUCKS right now
Me: gas is fucking BANANAS. nearly 50 bucks to fill up my car. i havent driven further than montebello in weeks
Ryan: fuck! i dont want to go back!!! just shoot me right now. hahaha
Me: I'd never. though you'd make a handsome corpse
Ryan: hehe
Me: but yeah I'M SORRY. hang in there chap
Ryan: Thanks
Me: we all have to go through a mile of shit before we get to the good times. maybe yours is like 20 miles...i dunno how far culver city is
Ryan: 15 miles
Me: i wanna see you...soonish. like...to cheer you up.
Ryan: :) i need me a teleporter haha
Me: lol silly. you know i'll drive that ridiculous distance from east LA to echo park lol
Ryan: soooo faaar
Me: light years. so no need for teleportation...yet!
Ryan: hehe
Me: so yeah...lemme know
Ryan: I will
Me: :)
Ryan: now i have to put a shirt on and go back to work! i had a good parking spot too. FUUUUUUCK
Me: if its still there, then it was meant to be. and remember, no matter how bad it gets...there's a girl who would kill a homeless person, infront of their own mother, just to suck your dick. :) ME!
Ryan: ;)
Me: bye bye
Ryan: byee
Okay, okay..fine...so it turned into an open invitation for sex, there at the end....but I can't help it! Ryan reduces me to mush...I lose all power in my right hand, I slip on my grip...I want to consume him every single day...there's a nagging piece inside of me that still believes he's my ideal...if only he'd want me back. Just a fraction of how I want him. And so I suffer, as usual. I know he won't find me....he never does...something tells me I won't be able to break him as a habit. I'd drop everything just for a kiss, a hug, his lips all over me. Ughhh. FUCK.
I went to bed not thinking much of the conversation...
At 11:06 pm, I'm startled from a restless sleep. My phone is ringing. My heart starts pounding.
....it's Ryan.
"Is everything alright?" I sleepily ask.
"Yeah, just dropped off the keys....uh, were you asleep?"
We chat for a bit...but really, it's me listening to him talk, half-awake. At one point I ask if I'm dreaming. Ryan laughs and says he'll let me get back to bed. And that's it.
I apologize the next day for falling asleep on him. He doesn't text back. Oh well. Back to the grind.
My girlfriends and I are planning a trip to New York City in August. We're set to buy our air fare this month. I've already informed Jay, who is practically nutting himself at the prospect of having me in his zip code again. I must admit, I am a little morbidly curious to see him again. Maybe I should settle down in Staten Island and live my days out being worshiped by my own version of Kevin James (King of Queens, anyone?). It sure beats getting crumbs of affection from a slacker, Mexican hipster.
No Getting Laid Lent: 13 days down, 27 to go.