And when she passes, he smiles but she doesn't see

I've had the weekend to mull over this Alfonso thing. It totally threw me for a loop and I really have no clue what I should be doing next...I mean, *should* I be doing anything? No idea.

I had my ducks all in a row regarding the Dan thing. I know remaining celibate would allow me to take sex out of the equation and let my true feelings for him develop on their own. I am finding more and more that Dan is not very interested in me. He's always cancelling on me, finding excuses to leave me hanging, bowing to his parents every request and being obnoxious about my whole no-sex Lent. I think he imagined I would drop everything and fuck him at every opportunity. He acts like he's just playing around, but I can tell he's distracted by something (or someone else). I'm starting to feel like runner-up again...or worse yet, third in line at best. It's going to be very easy to stay away from him. I know when I'm not wanted. (sigh) I guess that whole confessional I went through a couple of weeks ago means nothing to him.

I remove sex from the table and grit my teeth every time I see a prime spot to grab Ryan's attention. NO. RESIST THE URGE. DON'T THROW YOURSELF AT HIM. HE'S NOT WORTH IT AND HE ACTS LIKE YOU'RE NOT EVEN ALIVE. I should tattoo this mantra on my forearms every time I see him active on Facebook. Pithy FB comments are not real forms of affection, stupid. Get it through your thick skull. Ugh. God, I need a reality check...a wake up call. If Ryan really wanted me around, he would ask me. He'd be a gentleman and I should start acting like a lady, not some late-night floozy.

Withdrawing from hook-ups and casual sex has taught me to value myself more. I am a goddamn Berkeley graduate who made the Dean's List. I am intelligent, poised, responsible, caring, a hard-worker and a good daughter. I am a great friend. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, PEOPLE LIKE ME. (thank you Stuart Smalley!)

I am NOT the other woman, I am not a home-wrecker, I am not a tease, I am not a booty call, I am not an after-thought, I am not trash, I am not Plan B and I am not a bottom bitch. I am more than just a vagina with impeccable taste in music. Dammit. I am more.

This is why I am going to stop talking to Jay. My flight to New York City in August is officially booked. I informed him and things got a little out of hand on text. We were dirty-talking....and it still felt creepy to me. Ewwww. I don't want any part of him in my life. He may turn into a hook-up in August, but if Lent is any indication of how my life is headed, Jay might just be in for the psyche-out of his life. That kid's not boyfriend material. He isn't even summer time fling material. Which is why I should stop leading him on. Flirting with a guy shouldn't leave you feeling so slimy. Ughhh.

So now I'm just left with a problem called Alfonso.

There's just so much potential between us, now that I know he's moving back here. I feel like he and I could hit it off, maybe even better, than last time. I mean the time we had that terrific encounter in Boston, not the crash and burn of him visiting LA back in December. *sigh* There's this spark, this rush I feel when I think about him. My heart somersaults but I hesitate to imagine anything more. Alfonso is a special brand of guy. He isn't some fool you just kiss and throw away. He's a good guy with good principles and a good heart. So much goodness, it should make me puke right? But no! I want to pull him close and never let him go. I want to help him, I want to make sure he's alright. I want to be a better person around him, make positive changes in my life and work together on finding out true happiness. I feel like I could be even more, if I was with him. And that should mean something, right? I'm thinking it's a sign.

I wonder if this whole revelation of Alfonso moving back home is the reality-check I was waiting for. This bucket of cold water that's been dumped on me could either wake me up from the drudgery of dating life....or drown me into oblivion.

No Getting Laid Lent: 19 days down, 21 to go.