Gasping - dying - but somehow still alive..

My religious and social experiment is almost drawing to a close. Staying away from sex and other vices has really given me perspective in how I factor into my own dating life. It's become painfully clear as to what guys only like me because of how liberal I am in my sex life (Ryan, Dan....Rob, to a certain extent) and what guys have absolutely no interest in me whatsoever (sadly, Alfonso). As I have withheld sex, so have the invitations to come over and hang out. I've tried not to just lay here and languish at how forgotten or unappreciated I am but I will admit, it was inevitable. Thank God for my girlfriends; without them I'd be lost in a pit of despair.

Rob texted me on St. Paddy's Day, like at 2 am, of course: "Hello beautiful."
I didn't answer. GO TO HELL.

It's funny how staying away from Ryan has made him so much friendlier. We chatted not too long ago. He's such a goofball! I had no intention of seeing him, but I thought I'd keep my options open.

Ryan: I've been fighting a battle for the past few days. an internal battle. with constipation!!!
Me: lol. sexy! prunes?
Ryan: i tried lots of water and herbal shit. then i just got stool softener pills. i feel better now. but still backed up. haha. I'm usually a flume hahaha.
Me: I'm so happy we've reached this point in our friendship where you can tell me this. LOL LOL
Ryan: hahaha
Me: so besides not shitting, what else have you been up to?
Ryan: working, applying for other jobs, black metal. elevating my levels of misanthropy and nihilism till they reach creative levels.
Me: always good. i feel we haven't hung out in foreverrsss
Ryan: its been a tad long
Me: we should remedy that
Ryan: indeed. I'll let you whats goin on. I've been closing lately :(
Me: cool. next week might be better anyway. let me take you out to dinner again, we'll get lots of fiber in you. pooping is good.
Ryan: hahaha. i prefer grease. hahahaha
Me: grease sounds fine to me. whatever unclogs the pipes. black magic might work. the dark arts.

Things with Dan have fizzled. My great love affair with him was done before it ever began. He's been baptized into the Church of Latter Day Saints. He's a Mormon now. That part of him is lost to me. Forever? Maybe. But this gives me a reason, a damn good one, to stop waiting. We were excellent lovers. Now we can only be friends.

Speaking of friends....I feel the closer Alfonso gets to moving back to LA, the further away he's from my reach. It's like a lifetime, like a huge mountain, to get him to notice me. I tried in vain to stoke the fires....I'm an idiot. Those embers have long been extinguished.

Me: I know ur in LA briefly, so I won't pester u with a request to hang out. If you need anything when u do return, please let me know. Very shocking ur moving back but delightful! I've got tons of questions! Hope to see ya soon.

Ughhh. I told myself not to write a novel...but I just wanted to talk to him, to make him notice me, to remember that I still like him. But he never responded. Maybe he was busy? Maybe he rolled his eyes when he saw it was me? I'll never know. I feel like Alfonso is slowly stuffing me into the trunk of his friend-zone car. Shhh. Put this gag over your mouth. You'll never be my girlfriend.

I know he's alive....he posted:

Alfonso: back to the Boston life, for the time being. Arbouring it up after my red-eye here.
Boston, i love you, but i gotta get to LA ;)

No more contacting....no more moves...not until he's back for good. Why was this so easy two summers ago? How did I make the impossible a reality? Why is it now so hard when he's only going to be a minute away from me? Oh, I want him...I want him...I want him but I can't do anything right.

No Getting Laid Lent: 30 days down, 10 to go.