I make the same mistakes, feels like I never learn...

fuck

Fuck.

Fuck....

FUCK.....

FUCK!!!!!!!

****

I make the same mistakes
Feels like I never learn
Always give way too much
For little in return
I haven't changed a bit
I’m still not over it
I make the same mistakes
I make the same mistakes


****

It wasn't enough to ruin my own relationship 3 years ago...I had to now ruin someone else's....maybe I haven't completely killed it, but I have helped to start the dreadful wheels in motion...I've put cracks in the foundation....I've poked holes....I started the death march.

You can imagine where the rest of that went. My mom wasn't home, she was spending the night at her man-friend's house. I had the whole house to myself. And all I wanted was to sleep. The Renaissance Faire that afternoon had been tiring...I didn't think Rob would really show. I called his bluff.

He shows up at my place at a quarter to 2 am, hair slicked back....devilish goatee..wearing a band T-shirt and jeans. And when he bent down to hug me, he felt so cold. He was talking rapidly, in that ways of his...somewhere halfway between drunk and high. At least his stuttering/mumbling problem got better...I can't even begin to tell you what happened...the next hour was a complete and utter blur.

We try small talk as we sit on my bed, both of us waiting for the other one to make a move. And when he finally kisses me (and you only get one of those in a great while), I feel I'm transported back to the summer of 2005. I remember his mouth. Why does it have to belong to someone else? I can't even enjoy kissing him because I can't stop thinking about how wrong this is....and how wrong it's going to be.

I know what's coming next. I excuse myself to freshen up in the bathroom. Before he had shown up, I had been fast asleep. Like I said, didn't think he'd actually go through with it...how many false alarms and fake outs had he given me before? I didn't believe him for one second. And now he's in the bedroom, waiting for me and I'm sitting on the toilet, having a moral crisis. "Should I tell him to go home?" I ask myself. And my knees are shaking. My hands are shaking. I'm shaking. I'm so scared. I'm so nervous. My teeth start to chatter. The last time I was ever this terrified of seeing someone, I was like 8 years old and about to see the dentist. I splash water on my face. I step outside in my pajamas and stand face to face with Rob. He's a fucking vision, with those quick eyes....dark hair and a Tool tattoo on his arm. I make the same mistake.

He's a good kisser, as I remember. And he won't stop telling me how beautiful I look, even though I'm standing there in no make up, pajama shorts and my hair up in a ponytail.

I didn't fuck him. I let him eat me out until I had come a full three times. (AH YES! I REMEMBER THAT, TOO! EXCELLENT WORK!) As a reward, I sucked his dick and boy did he finish fast...sheesh....I'll never know if that's a testament to my work or his shitty endurance.

And just like the last time I cheated with him (circa 2007 on that asshole Alberto who definitely deserved it), we awkwardly embrace and say goodbye, both of us muttering apologies and regrets. We can't even look at each other. I look at my linoleum floor, Rob is already going for the door knob. I want to reach up and grab him by the face, right into his brown eyes and ask, "Why won't you just let her go? If this is what you want, LET THE POOR GIRL GO!"

Thing is, I don't know if the poor girl is his chick....or me? I wish he'd just be done with me, too. These things never have happy endings, I know.

Believe me, I know.

And the next morning, I pray I dreamt it all. But his text that afternoon proves it.

So now I've got a new heavy cross to bear. I've got a new weight on my conscience. Something that I'll probably get away with it....but never get away from the guilt.

I wish this had never happened. For once, I wish I wasn't me.

****

Walking the streets alone
Thinking of you till dawn
I make the same mistakes
I make the same mistakes