You chewed me up & spit me out like I was poison in your mouth

I really, really, really hope this is the final nail in the coffin. I truly and sincerely hope that last night was the last straw. There's no way I can go any lower, there's no way that I haven't already hit bottom.

FUCK...this hurts.

I felt all sorts of swarming feelings of excitement, apprehension and fear as I let my mind consider the fact that Ryan might very well show up at my friend Lauren's birthday party. I spent all day just wondering if he'd really put himself in that sort of social situation. The more I thought about it, the more I knew he'd find an excuse to skip it.

I was absolutely and completely correct.

Just as I step out of my car and grab my purse, I hear a text go off.

Sorry, my cropping and resizing skills aren't magic....but notice that time stamp? Yeah...I waited until 2:30 am for him and he never answered. He ignored me. I am so angry at myself, probably the angriest I've ever been. I did my best to not let my seething rage show at Lauren's party. I masked all my pain with a happy face and made jokes about things to take my mind off how hurt and depressed I felt. How can I stop caring about him when every little thing he does rattles me to the core? I wish I could switch all this off, I really do. But I can't....there's just no way. I purposefully didn't drink more during the party. I knew that if I got drunk, I would text something regrettable to Ryan. I'm very proud I didn't.

IT GETS WORSE: At the end of the night, as I waited for him to respond to my text, I parked in front of my house and sat in my car. I felt every minute tick away. Waiting.....waiting....hoping....praying. I waited until 3 am. Doesn't get any more sad and lonely than that. "Please let me get over him" I said over and over inside my head. If I truly cared about him, I could shed a tear....but I couldn't....I felt numb. It wasn't until I began to think about how unappreciated I felt, how much effort I was wasting, that I finally could get some moisture in my eyes. It was weird to just sit there in the dark, all alone...no sobs, no trembling chin....nope....just two tears slid down my face and that was it. I hope those are the last ones I ever shed for Ryan. If I needed a sign, this is it.

I wish I could be as blasé about him as he is about me. It's far too late for that. I need to move on... 

On tonight's episode of HBO's "Girls", Hannah told off her sometimes-paramour Adam and her speech was brilliant. I felt so inspired. Everything she was telling this guy was perfect and it hit so close to home. I literally sat up straight and got chills. She was saying all the things I ever wanted to say to Ryan. But then it all went to hell when Adam kissed her. She savagely puts her arms around him and they fuck. (SIGH) So close....so close....that's me...I'm just so close and then I get roped back into Ryan.

If I ever find that clip, I'm going to post it. Maybe my situation will have a better ending. Maybe I'll be smarter than Hannah.