Here I am, there you are..there’s nothing left between us

I can't even find anything else to say. Jose and I don't fight. I don't even worry where's he's been or who he's with. I never feel the need to nag him. He hasn't smothered me or annoyed me with attention. No red flags, no dire warnings. I feel at peace. Like we're laying down, in a boat, floating away from here. We're headed towards some wonderful and unknown destination. I need nothing else but him.

*My car got rear-ended a couple weeks ago and now there's a small crack in my bumper. No big deal.

*Caught the flu and was horribly sick. Meh.

*Social Security went up. Got a $14 decrease in my take-home pay. Whatever.

All my "problems" seem like nothing now that I'm living in this happy love bubble. Everything is positive and anything that might be difficult is seen with new eyes. I can deal with anything. I am stronger now. I am the same gal I was months ago....but better.

Every day feels like the rest of my life.

And that's awesome.

A love like ours could never die as long as I have you near me

The days are flying by and now we're into the new year....he still makes me feel like I've hit the lottery every single time we're together. Even when we're miles apart, I am content to know that I'm a lucky gal. I'm his girl. And he's my guy. It's sickeningly sweet. I love it, I love it.

For my 29th birthday he got me an electric guitar and I nearly fainted. He's very skilled at the guitar and more than once I had said that it was my biggest regret I had never learned to play given my love for rock music. In typical guy fashion, he saw a problem and set out to fix it. I love my guitar (a Squire 6 string) and we've already started lessons haha! My nails will be cut short for a while and I might get callouses, but I'm determined to learn and make one of my dreams come true.

The card that came with the chocolates and white orchids was precious...I love it, spelling/grammar mistakes and all!

(Yeah...one day I'll be comfortable divulging my name on this blog....I think I'm almost there...)

We took our first overnight road-trip last weekend to San Diego and saw my bestie Caroline. It felt good to get out of the city and just chill out in new surroundings. Jose is an excellent co-pilot and helped refresh my memory on directions. He even fed me French fries while I sped down the highway! We never once got on each other's nerves and his sleeping habits are good. He doesn't snore or kick in his sleep! Hallelujah! :D I wish he would have been as talkative with Caroline as he is with my gal pals back home, but I think he got a little shy and overwhelmed once he heard the two of us chatting away. Most guys would get sullen but not Jose...he was polite and listened, though he did admit to me later that he got lost in conversation and may have nodded off during brunch. Oh well! He was a good sport about the whole thing and had many nice things to say about my SD friends :)

This was also our second time having sex and it was a little less clumsy but still very nervous with some frustrating spots. Like all things, I think we both need to relax and get more practice in. I can't help it, he's just so adorable! I wanna jump his bones every time we've got two seconds alone. I've noticed a pattern: I'm always the first to instigate oral sex or push us towards having sex. He's about the most timid guy I've ever been with. When I'm about ready to start unzipping his jeans, he's just content to kiss the swell of my breast or make out. Last night, I was eager to throw him on my bed after our guitar lesson, but he kept refusing with that bashful look on his face. I'd start kissing him passionately and he'd break away just to tell me he loved me. My heart melts and I get lost in his big dark eyes. "Come on...gimme a hug!" he says and I crumple in his arms. I keep telling myself to calm down and go slow, but old habits die hard. I have the hormones of a 14 year old boy. I WANT TO FUCK HIM ALL THE TIME! Ughhh....that's not a romantic comedy, that's porn, right? Yeesh.

Jose (nearly) mastered John Lennon's "Jealous Guy." He let me finally record it on New Year's Eve. It was his idea to post it on YouTube:

http://youtu.be/6_ctRAL9MHE

(That's me saying "yay!" at the very end, in case you couldn't guess)

He turned in his application to work at West Tower Communications, a company that specializes in installing cell phone towers. His best friend Jonny works there and he's going to help him get the job. The new job pays very well and there's room to move up. I'm so excited for him and wish him the best of luck. I helped him fill out the app and I learned a lot about Jose's past work history. Very interesting. The more I learn about this boy, the more I love him. Life is so awesome right now. It just continues to make me smile!!

* I love that his Instagram account is nothing but pictures of classic cars or modified Hondas
* I love that he has an accent when he speaks English and an accent when he speaks Spanish
* I love that he plays the guitar effortlessly and is so modest about his abilities
* I love that he mispronounces "pizza" as "pik-za" like a true Spanglish-speaking pocho
* I love that he makes me laugh via text every single day
* I love that he adores his mom so much and that he's won over MY mom :)
* I love that his Corvette is the same color as duct tape
* I love that when he gets drunk, he can't stop saying I'm pretty
* I love that stopped smoking the day we met
* I love that he can't dance
* I love that he kinda has a lisp when he talks, almost unnoticeable but I can tell
* I love that he's not afraid to talk about the future
* I love that he always finds a way to hold my hand, no matter where we are
* I love that he gives me butterflies. I see his name come up on my caller ID and I instantly grin
* I love him and I could go on....but it's time for bed.

2013 is going to be amazing!!!!!!

Your love is king...crown you with my heart

I love him more than yesterday...but not as much as I'm going to love him tomorrow....

Am I living in some corny romantic comedy? Maybe. But I'm insanely happy and that's all that matters. A shit ton of nonsense could come raining down at me at work, yet I've got a stupid grin on my face. I've never felt this way for this long...at times, it's a little scary.

There are deep, dark moments that cloud my brain like an evil shadow.

"How long before you fuck it up? How long before you say the wrong thing? Hurt his feelings? Or start noticing other guys and try to sleep with them? How long before you remember what it's like to hold a grudge? How long before you go back to letting your soul fester?"

It's as if my old life...my "old life" that isn't really that old, from about a few months ago, will resurface somehow. But I've grown haven't I? I've given that up? I'm....cured? I've moved past meaningless sex.

This isn't like being an addict. Right? Like, there's no relapse...I won't go back to craving being miserable, alone and empty, will I?

One can only hope.

I mean, I had fun back then and I don't regret much...but anything before I started feeling this grounded seems like a nightmare. A bad dream. Very, very bad dream.

I'm positive I know what I want. And I'll fight to keep it.

***

We had an intense talk the other day about sex, decisions and the future...

The talk continued and it even spilled into last night, as I was dropping him off from karaoke. We're on the same page about contraception and how we want the future to play out. I told him no babies until I'm married, which he agreed with 100 percent. We have so much other stuff to worry about before that. Having children isn't even an option right now. I'm having too much fun just being with him. He reassured me that I can talk to him about anything and he's always willing to hear me out. We're wrapped up in the lovey-dovey mushiness yes, but we're clear-headed enough to make rational choices and know what's in our best interest at the moment.

Gah, he's wonderful. And he's all mine.

Let's go all the way tonight: no regrets, just love

More milestones.

Third base achieved both on Tuesday and Thursday. He went first and I took the second night. It's weird, when I don't really fully care about a guy or I'm just treating him like a piece of meat, I don't mind divulging every single, naughty detail. But I've noticed when I have real feelings for a guy, I feel the need to be less descriptive. I feel almost...shy? I'm a little protective and slightly embarrassed to say anything more about our time in the front seat of his Corvette. I will say that Jose is a good listener (hah!), eager and he has uhm....the right size equipment to get the job done. As I told him on Thursday, a particularly sweaty encounter, I feel he and I are going to have ourselves a very, verrrry good time.

I tried not to over-think about us finally having sex. So when it happened all of a sudden this past Saturday, both of us were pleasantly surprised. We hadn't anguished over it too much, though I was starting to go a little sex stir-crazy. Jose had been incredibly restrained about the whole thing. Even when we had the house all to ourselves, he hesitated. He kept making excuses even he knew sounded dumb. "But-but your hair! And your makeup...I don't wanna mess that up..." he stammers but I'm already playing with the buttons of his shirt. He's sooo adorable. I love how nervous I make him. He says he didn't bring any condoms. I tell him I have some in my night stand. He worries my mom will come home any minute. I reply that she won't be home for hours. He shakes his head and avoids eye contact, "No babe..." he starts but I look up at him and smile, "You don't want to anymore?" I flirt. He blushes and says of course he does, all the time. "Well?" I counter and gesture at the bedroom. I hate having to be such so pushy, but I'm tired of waiting and now the need and desire has become too much. He's run out of excuses and he knows it. Jose smiles, "Okay."

It was a bit of an ambush, yes...but worth it.

Our first time was good. Always room for improvement and I know that every time after that will be better than the last. It was sweaty, nervous, a little clumsy but sweet. He had confessed it had been almost double-digit years since he had been with a girl, but wouldn't divulge any more details. I was frank when I told him it had NOT been that long for me. I also wasn't going to describe anything further.

We finished. Got dressed and high-fived each other on the drive to our friend Gretel's graduation party. We finally had sex and it felt great. We stepped into that party a more grown-up couple. We were closer than ever. As he put it, "We made love." That's some real shit right there....

He picked up his friend Johnny's guitar and played "Jealous Guy" by John Lennon for me:

He said he'll learn The Beatles "And I Love Her" on guitar so he can play it for me :D

A few things he has said that night at the party that should scare me but don't....

* He asked me if I've thought about what our future is going to look like. When I kinda balked at giving a straight answer, he rescued me by teasing that I probably already had our kids names picked out. I started laughing and he was all, "Just tell me their names! What are their names?!" I jokingly brought it up again and I gave him a real answer. I told him that for a long time I've like the name Layla Marie for a girl... or Gregory Patrick if it's a boy. He said he liked those names. No hesitation. No fear in his eyes.

* I told him I have a high threshold for pain and he asked if I could carry triplets. I didn't even know what to say and made a crack about my wide birthing hips. He smiled and reminded me that his mom had two sets of twins and that his great grandma pushed out quadruplets. Yikes.

* I was blathering something about my hair and how I had styled it for the party. Jose touches my ponytail and  remarks, "If we ever get married, you should have your hair in a ponytail on our wedding day. Like the day I met you." I raise an eyebrow and make sure he's not drunk. Nope. Sober. "So no up-do? Not worn down or in curls or waves?" I ask with amusement in my eyes. He shakes his head, "Nope. Ponytail or nothing."

* I remark that I've only ever had my own room ONCE in my entire life, when I lived with roommates in an apartment during college. He jokes that when he and I move in together, I'll make him sleep on the couch just so I can have my own room. I kiss him and tell him I'd never kick him out.

Moving in together? Marriage? Kids? Even I was choking on my drink. But only slightly. Any other time, I might be running for the hills or calling this guy a stalker. But where we're at now, it doesn't seem like a pipe dream or some far-off fantasy. It doesn't sound far-fetched. It's the honeymoon phase and everything is just washed in prettiness and rainbows. How serious can you really take it? How much is just head over heels in love talk?

How soon could you really know?

Placed inside, safe & sound. Shapes & colors are all I see

Truly, truly, truly....this is so addicting...

I feel like singing. All the time. Silly right?

My gut reaction is to scream at the top of my lungs.
From happiness.
For happiness.
Because of happiness.

I want to belt out that I am ridiculously happy. I've had a smile plastered on my face for days and days.

Throw my arms up into the air. Go to the top of my building at work and shout it from the roof.

"I'M IN LOVE! I'M IN LOVE! I'M FUCKING IN LOVE!!!!"

It happened Saturday. Not how I pictured it would happen. In fact, I really hadn't even thought that far ahead, but I figured I couldn't get past Christmas, much less New Year's Eve without saying it.

My company's holiday party was fun and Jose got to meet the whole cast of characters that make up my work life. Everyone kept commenting that we made a cute couple and my boss even told me that he thought Jose and I make a nice match. I was beaming.

We met up with my best friend Lauren, her friend Jonathan and Jose's best friend Johnny at a whiskey bar around the corner. My other gal pals joined and a few of my work friends filtered through as well. It was a great night and I got to see Jose shit-faced for the first time. Most of the time, he's quiet and tends to let everyone else have the spotlight. On Saturday night, he was the opposite. He was talkative, giddy and laughing a bunch. He was also PDA crazy and spent a large portion of the night playing with my hair and kissing me shamelessly in front of my friends. At one point, we even convinced him to kiss Johnny hahaha. I didn't get a video of the infamous smooch but I did get some of Jose taking a shot he didn't want:

Anyway, as it was nearing 1 am, we left the bar to grab food and were met with rain showers. The streets were slick and the boys were slip sliding their drunken selves across the Pasadena sidewalks. The bouncers and a couple of the patrons outside were chuckling as I tried to wrangle my boyfriend and his equally drunk best friend. Jose wraps an arm around my shoulder and hangs on as I steer him towards the King Taco. He smiles and mumbles loud enough so only I can hear, "Babe....I love you!" I'm instantly stunned. This is drunk talk. This doesn't mean anything. He won't remember in the morning. I should have thought of something more diplomatic to say but I just blurted it out, almost out of reflex: "I love you too!" I say quickly and hope I don't sound like I'm lying.

Because I'm not lying. If I didn't feel it, my instinct should have been to say something like "I care about you too" or "Thank you" (wait, that's kinda mean...glad I didn't say it haha!)

I wrestled with the idea of being in love with Jose for the rest of the night. As my friends chomped down on tacos, I thought about it. As I hobbled with drunken Jose and Johnny to find our cars in the maze-like parking structure, I thought about it. As I drove home with Jose slumped in my passenger side, moaning that he'd never drink again (sure) and lamenting the fact that he had a huge boner...yeah even then I couldn't stop thinking about it. I rubbed his head and told him it'd be okay, that I'd get him home soon. I thought and thought, nervously biting my nails and hoping this stupid rain would let up soon. I hate driving in the rain. But I'll do it for him. Because I want him home safe. Because I care about him deeply. Because....I guess I do love the silly boy. There is no timeline, there is no set "date." We all come to this realization on our own. I suppose Jose's drunken escapade made me come to the conclusion faster. I got a push in the most unlikely way. I love this guy, more than I fully comprehend.

We talked about it the next morning and Jose tells me that indeed he was high on liquid courage but that he meant every word. He loves me and wanted the cat outta the bag finally. I told him I love him too and that I was sure of it. Honest.

My heart is full. He's filled in all the little cracks and then some. I haven't been in love romantically in nearly 3 years. It might seem like we're moving too fast, but I say fuck that.

Jose and I make our own time.

I swear the whole world could feel my heartbeat

Time flies when you're having fun....

I swear, I haven't been this happy in years. I can't even begin to describe it all. I feel I say that every time I want to describe Jose to someone. How can I put it into words? How can I explain the way I feel about him? He fits in my life so perfectly. There is no struggle. There is no fight. There is no grief. All there is....is laughter. Understanding. Respect. He makes my heart race. He makes me smile. He's my biggest supporter. He's all the things I was looking for in a partner. And as I said to him on Saturday night, all I want to do is make him happy in return. I want to be better for him. He and I have all the potential in the world to grow into something beautiful. It's so wonderfully strange to see myself in a couple. I haven't been a girlfriend in ages. It feels fantastic. It feels right. Any dark and lonely feelings evaporated the moment he stumbled into my life. I could go on and keep being corny....but I think you know. This feels so real and so right.

I met his mother Connie on Saturday night. She was a delight and later told Jose I was pretty and have a great personality. I was beaming. Next up: gotta meet his 5 siblings. Yikes. 

Jose has hung out with my close girlfriends a few times now and all parties seem to like each other. I met his friend Joey a few weeks ago but his best friend Jonny I didn't meet formally until last week. We hung out at the Deftones show and I got a good vibe from him. I really want Jose's friends to like me, so I'll just do what I do best and just be myself.

Things are moving right along. Jose is my plus one at my company's Christmas party this upcoming Saturday. I think my boss is gonna like him :) As for my mother, Jose got a bit of an icy welcome at first but my mom warmed up to him a little on Thanksgiving weekend. I really want her to get used to the idea of him and hopefully tolerate him. She doesn't have to love him....just like him enough.

We have broached the subject of sex and intimacy. Both of us are ready to take it to the next level, we just don't know when that will be. Soon, we both hope. We'll know when it'll be the right time. In the meantime though, the make out sessions have been intense. My desire for him has been gradual. I'm hitting an all time peak nowadays haha....

He said something wonderful to me the other night. He said, "I'm not going anywhere."

No one has ever said that to me. The promise that he's going to stick around. That he's willing to put the time in. I'm so used to guys getting up and leaving me. All my life I feel like I've been chasing after boys, begging them to just please stay a little longer. It feels good to know he's mine, that he's not leaving. 

It feels great to know that someone thinks I'm worth their time and effort. I am validated. I am secure.

But most of all, I am truly happy. I said that right? HAPPY :D

I wanna tell the world about you just so they can get jealous

Pop the champagne. Ring the bell. Clap your hands and throw the confetti.

It happened last night.

Jose asked me to be his girlfriend, after a month of dating, after countless text messages, phone calls and so many well-placed kisses. Quietly, he swept me off my feet.

I am truly happy. No joke. No lie. The air I breathe seems clearer. My mind is so at ease.

I fear nothing and no one.

I look to the future, hopeful and unflinching.

With Jose at my side, I know I can develop something meaningful and heartfelt. I know we can do great things together. I know we can turn this wonderful little romance into something amazing, that is bigger than both of us.

My heart has been soaring.

***

We met up for movies and dinner, no big deal. I had already told my friends I was determined to "DTR" or define the relationship. The hook ups, one night stands and flirtation had to end. I wasn't going anywhere, except further into the abyss or faster into having my heart stomped on. The lightning bolt affair of love and wonderment that was Jay snapped me into focus. Second chances mean everything.

Jose was there....primed and ready to be my one and only. There he was, sitting in his cute Corvette with a huge grin on his face.

Holding hands all during the movie. Kissing in the car. Smiling just because. Dinner at Dino's. Coffee at Starbucks. Finally, I can't chicken out anymore. I won't. I ask him what his intentions are: is he interested in a relationship with me? Because I want one with him....and then I just start outlining my intentions. I need him to hear me out.

And he's just looking at me with those big, round dark eyes. His eyebrow cocked. His mouth slightly agape. He searches my face for clues. I'm talking and he's just staring at me, digesting every word that I'm saying. When I finish, my face is blazing hot. My cheeks are burning and my heart is slamming in my chest. I look down at the table and fiddle with my napkin. 

"So uh...yeah....that's how I feel...and though I haven't always been the most traditional, I'm going to be old-fashioned right now...I can't ask...you.." and my words trail. I muster the courage to stare back into those huge brown eyes, perfectly framed in his glasses. 

His turn to speak....and he nods his head and confesses that he's sometimes wondered what I was thinking. 

"I'd be at home and think to myself....wait, are we together?" and he breaks into his signature Jose laugh. It breaks the tension and I laugh, too. But he keeps us on course. His eyes flicker and in a voice barely above a whisper...while I'm looking away....he asks:

"So do you want to be my girl?"

The weight of the last three years is gone. In an instant.

"Yes! Yes! I would love to be your girlfriend! Yes! Yes!"

And the rest is a blur. A happy, beautiful blur. We finish our coffees. We sit in his car listening to music. We try in vain to update our Facebook status to "in a relationship." We kiss passionately, harder and more intense than we ever had before. The air is electric. I feel his lips brush past my collar bone and it's like all of me is sighing at once. I grip the collar of his shirt and slide my fingertips across his chest. The lesser me would have pawed at him and begged him to let me blow him. But I'm on another level. A higher state of mind. Jose is not that kind of guy. He traces his mouth across my ears and pushes my hair away from my neck to get better access. I feel him touch my dangly heart-shaped earrings. I feel a warm shiver. When I pull away, panting, my eyes begging for more he just looks back at me in the dark with steady eyes. This is as far as we can go right now. All in due time.

"Uh oh. Look at your back windshield. All fogged up" I murmur as I plant a kiss on his forehead.

"Look what you've done!" he whispers loudly in mock anger. And we laugh, like always.

This isn't the end of this blog. This is just a new chapter. A new voyage. A new space inside of my heart. I want to catalog it. I want to cherish it. But most of all, I want to grow with it.

I want to change in a positive way for Jose. I want to learn from him. And I want us to flourish.

I want to be all he deserves.

He deserves it. And so do I.