& I'm beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head...

Is there something like, crazy in the air today?

Been contacted by two ex-"whatever you wanna call them" in the span of a few hours. Both kind of out of nowhere, but isn't that always how it goes? Nothing like this ever comes expected. Always out of left field.

Rob texted me after well over a year of silence. I had not heard from him since September 2012 and good riddance. I was tired of participating in his stupid "help me cheat on my girlfriend" reindeer games that left me feeling exhausted, unwanted and cheap. I deserved those feelings, yes. And he deserved to be rudely dismissed! I thought he hated me and was satisfied to never speak to me again.

But then this....

Me thinks he was sniffing around. Inevitably he asked how were things with me and I said fabulous. I told the truth because the truth is MARVELOUS. My life needs no embellishment. I have a great boyfriend. My career is good. I'm going to fucking Australia in a few weeks. It's all roses! I don't think he was expecting such an answer because he immediately retreated. He told me he and the girl he cheated on are still going at it, been living together for almost a year. His music-teacher career is going well and he's lost 70 lbs. Yeah, he even mentioned he was at the gym. OMG barf. After praising me on my success, he wished me well and cut the conversation short. And you know what, GOOD. Under no circumstances do I even want to talk to him unless I am smashing his face into how good I have it. 

"I'm not trying to give my life meaning

by demeaning you

and I would like to state for the record

I did everything that I could do

I'm not saying that I'm a saint

I just don't want to live that way

no, I will never be a saint

but I will always say:

squint your eyes and look closer

I'm not between you and your ambition..."

And then round two. Ryan. Oh yeahhhhh. That Ryan. The one and only.

Our conversations post-separation have been much more pleasant and we have remained distant allies. We never had a nasty "break up" or a Facebook unfriending. We just kinda went our separate ways with separate people. Of course, I was the one with the broken heart and he apparently had a broken spirit. Oh well. Whatever. We healed and were friendly on the internet. But today he decides to strike up a conversation and he finally admits he's dating someone, which I remember alluding to in a Facebook comment. Oh yeah cuz now I finally exist to him in FB-land...

It was so surreal having a conversation with him about our significant others. He tells me how whipped he is over her and how they've both lost "cool" points over one another, presumably because they dote on each other. I can tell he likes her. I see pictures of them on Instagram and they seem delighted. And I am so glad to see that. That's how I know I truly am over him. Seeing him with a new girl actually makes me smile. 

I tell him about Jose and how much I love him, and none of that is weird. Ryan gets it and tells me he regrets being so wayward when we were together. This isn't the first time he's said this, but it's the first time I think I actually believe him. I thought maybe before it was just him feeling guilty or sad over breaking my heart. But now I think it's because it's so clear we have both moved on completely. It doesn't feel wrong. It feels like a real apology that I can now accept because my wounds are healed and he's out of my heart. No remorse. Just happy.

Hooray indeed.

Jose came over today and I was just reminded how good I have it. I have it all. We ate burgers from my favorite spot and watched a marathon of Girls, season 2. I love to hear him laugh. He laughs so hard! There was a point where I was talking about how I had switched to a new shampoo and he ran his fingers through my hair. He twirled a couple of strands and said: "If I have a girl, I hope she gets your hair."

I am so lucky. I feel it all around. :)

Baby, do you dare to do this? Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse...

Happy New Year!!!

My 2014 started off with a couple of bangs.

Jose's New Years resolution from 2012 came to an end and he's no longer a vegetarian. It wasn't really much of a resolution as it was a bet among friends that he couldn't do it for 3 months. Well, 3 months turned into 2 years and on New Year's, we had T-bone steaks to celebrate his return to carnivore life. DELICIOUS! He cleaned his plate and mine :)

He's gotten a second job working part time at his friend Rocky's auto mechanic shop. He hopes to start phasing the Pep Boys stuff out and make the shop job his main gig. Right now he's just doing basic tune up stuff and I'm actually taking my car into his shop on Saturday for a break job. Second job means a little bit of money on the side, which is nice. He told me he's been saving up for our place. I asked if his family will be okay with him moving out this year, to which he told me that he doesn't think we'll be moving out anytime soon.

Well, that felt like a punch in the gut.

Neither one of us is very aggressive or confrontational, so our "fights" are always painfully understated. I stayed quiet and kinda slumped in my seat. I think he could feel the disappointment radiating from the passenger seat of the car. We we were happy and civil for the rest of the night but by the time he dropped me off at my house, I wasn't in the happiest mood. Especially when I tried to kiss him goodnight and he tells me he doesn't like it when I put my hand on the back of his head. He could have told me he hates water colors or the sound of baby kittens purring, and my reaction would have been the same. (SNAP) I immaturely stormed out of his car and went to bed. Hooray. We spent the first 12 hours of the new year mad at each other. By the afternoon, we hashed it out. He told me he was bothered by my silence over not being able to move out soon. I told him he was right and there was no point arguing over it. We both have to be ready. I apologized for being rude and walking out on him. All was well...

And then tonight, seemingly out of nowhere he asks:

A lot of friends around us are having babies and shacking up together (including his own sister!), so I think he feels the pressure to try and keep up or somehow fulfill a need I have. Lord knows, I do want those things but not in that order. I reiterate that this is the hand we've been dealt with and we need to do things on our own timeline. Nothing bad has happened and we gotta keep going in our own way, no on else's. We closed the subject and said goodnight.

I can tell he wants to do right by me and that he thinks carefully about our future life together. No matter what, I know this is going to be a great year for us. Even better than the last :)

I'm getting used to you & I could never get used to living without you...

So Jose peed in the toilet while I was in the restroom at the same time.

We were home alone and I was doing my make up in the bathroom since I was running all late for our dinner plans. He asks if he can take a pee, so I said sure and was just about to exit the restroom to let him in when he says "No it's okay. I'll just come inside." I kinda stuttered and stammered, said "Sure!" and went back to my make up. And while I'm doing my eyeliner at the mirror, he's taking a pee just a few feet away.

This is a good sign, right? It oddly means he's used to me and comfortable. Lord knows, we've farted enough in front of each other while asleep or on accident. Whereas before he was embarrassed to pass gas, nowadays he just tells me and backs away. I had to fart really bad on Friday night and he was cheering me on, telling me to let it rip. I refused and let my insides cripple me in pain. Next time, I'm gonna blow ass and not save it for the lonely car ride home. If he can pee right next to me, I can let out a little toot.

The longer that I wait, the more selfish that I get...

You seem like you'd be a good dad..

As we embark on our next year together, I'm pleased to find moments with Jose that remind me how much I love him and reveal experiences that show how much I will continue loving him.

The lovey-dovey nature of the first few months hasn't exactly washed away. It's corny as hell, but every once and a while I have to sit back and stare at him in secret. Is he real? Am I dreaming? I'm amazed at the way my heart keeps growing. I find more room in my heart to love him. It is ever-expanding this heart of mine.

And it's not because of anything he says, but more with what he does. Actions will always speak louder than words.

His second nephew Sean was born last week and we visited the tiny little human in the hospital. Jose's sister Stephanie was shuffling around in her pajamas and fuzzy robe, glowing with motherhood. I felt a little pang of jealousy as Jose's family crowded around her and the baby, all of them in a happy daze that the unwed 18 year old In & Out Burger waitress was on her way to becoming a great mom. I'm 29 and barreling towards 30 in about 2 months and I have no clue if and when I'll ever have children. As I had told Jose, children for me right now are a far-off fantasy. All the children I hope to have live in "someday" land. They're all just wishes I hold deep in my heart and I don't know if I can put a deadline on when I want to have them. So many of my friends have had babies this year or are expecting, and the idea of not being married or living with Jose while we wait to make a human terrifies the shit out of me.

I guess I'm envious at how easy-breezy Stephanie and her boyfriend make it look. While they're okay with "figuring it out" and letting things sort themselves out, I know that's not what I want and I wouldn't settle for anything less than what I truly want. I know what my life plan is...the baby part is just a lot more hazy right now.

They ask me if I want to hold the baby and I get nervous. I let Jose go first, who proudly takes Sean in his arms. Sean doesn't even wake up. He barely even stirs. I watch Jose hold the teeny-tiny baby and my heart swells with joy. Watching him hold that baby reassures me that I've found a good guy. I've found a great partner who will help me *hopefully* become a real mom...maybe I'll finally get over this anxiety and self-doubt...

I find the courage to hold the baby but not before sitting down so I don't get even more nervous about dropping him on the floor. I hold Sean for maybe a minute. My palms are sweaty and I'm anxious. I don't move a muscle. I take a few pictures and hand him back. Jose scoops him up and he holds him for another long while. I wish I could feel that way and have an instant love for the baby. The truth is, I've never really felt like that about anyone's kid (even my own relations) and it worries me that I'll always be that way. It's gotta be different when I finally have kids, right? At least I can count on Jose who continually bests at me at being loving, kind and sensitive. Toddlers, babies and little kids always love Jose and he has a wealth of patience. I see him holding Sean and I know that he'll be a tremendous father someday. Ah, someday someday...

As we drive home from the hospital, I ask Jose if seeing his brand-new nephew made him want to have children of his own. He nods and says it sure does. We've always talked about having kids, what kind of parents we'll be and even what we'd want to name them....but both of us holding a tiny life form, I think, made it seem all too real. Having a baby with Jose seems like the happiest horizon. He tells me I'll be a good mom and I believe him. Now if only I would believe in myself and replace this heavy feeling of inadequacy...

***

On the flip side, Jose can also be pretty manly and handy with a socket-wrench. He's a bit of a self-taught greasemonkey: he works at Pep Boys and recently resurrected his '88 Civic. I kinda fancy him an amateur mechanic with the knowledge and experience to hopefully work in a legitimate shop someday. He volunteered to change the oil in my car and did an amazing job. I just stood there in awe....hahahah...he's absolutely the manliest boyfriend I've ever had...

Is it bad that I wanted him to kiss me and put his dirty, greasy hands all over me in a fit of passion? I swear, looking at his cute butt all day while he worked on my car made me crazy. And then when he'd get up from under the car for a breath of air, he'd be all sweaty and stuff. I would've had sex with him there in the driveway if the neighbors weren't around hahahha just kidding! I'm just his #1 cheerleader. I look at this kid and I feel blessed. He's the one. We're going to be great teammates in this life of ours.

It feels good to know you're mine...

Happy 1 Year Anniversary to me and el jefe Jose!!!

We had a great time celebrating our first year together. Two Nine Inch Nails concerts on Thursday and Friday night, then dinner and a movie on Sunday night. I got him a $30 gift certificate to Harbor Freight Tools and he got me a Bad Religion shirt along with an AMC gift card and purple orchids.

I think it's worth mentioning that just days prior to our anniversary, we had out first real argument. And it wasn't even in person and it wasn't even about anything real. We have differing opinions on marijuana. I quit in late January of 2012 and though I don't mind the legalization of pot or people using it for medicine, I do have a problem with people close to me using/selling/acquiring it illegally. I know the State of California has legalized it, to an extent, that doesn't mean I want my boyfriend or my friends smoking it and possibly landing themselves in jail. Jose has stopped smoking marijuana for a long time now, since before I met him, but he remembers weed a lot more fondly than I do. I made a point to say I didn't want him using it and jeopardizing his life, whereas he felt I was telling him what he can and cannot do. He felt I was talking to him like he was a little kid. I would post the text conversation but it went on for hours and carried on to the next day while we waited in line to see NIN at Jimmy Kimmel. I asked him why did he come to the concert with me if he was not going to talk to me, to which he asked quite coldly: "Should I NOT have come?" It was a tone he had never spoken to me in. 

I thought the fight was over because it had stopped on text but he was still mad at me and wouldn't talk to me in person. I finally broke down and apologized, though to this day I honestly don't know what I did wrong exactly. He told me he felt I was belittling his argument and throwing out all he had to say. Not sure how I did that, so I apologized again. He was quiet for a bit and then started talking to me again. He went back to laughing and reached out to hug me. By the time Trent Reznor took the stage at around 8 pm, Jose was holding me from behind and singing along to our favorite NIN songs. He was his happy self and was back to giving me kisses. Is it bad I capitulated? I don't know. I feel as though this issue isn't something to go to war over. Nothing concrete has even happened, we just have different points of view on the issue. It doesn't matter enough to me to drag it out. 

I thought this would ruin our anniversary weekend but it didn't even leave a mark. We still talked about moving in together and how awesome the future looks. He remarked this was the longest relationship he has even been in. I said it was the most loving and happiest relationship for me. I love this kid so much. If in a little over 365 days together, we only bicker like twice....then I'm okay with that. It's a recipe for an overall happy and healthy life.

Home is wherever I'm with you...

Sunday night I was over at Jose's house watching movies. We decided to cuddle on his bed and make spoons. We rarely get time alone to ourselves in an intimate setting, so this was a delightful treat to feel him holding me which inevitably turns into tickle-fights, jokes about farting, digressions from the movie that meander into hilarious conversations about totally unrelated topics from the movie and of course, some kissing and the oxymoron of "light" heavy petting. By the time I check my watch, it's late and I need to go home. The next morning I tell Jose that I really enjoyed snuggling with him on his bed. I also lament the fact that I always have to leave his warm embrace. I remark that one day I won't have to leave...

That launches us into a conversation about moving in together! Ahhhh!! We don't discuss it at length but he tells me he wants to start saving money so we can a place. JOY!!! I think about the money I've set aside for an emergency or something I really want. My heart sinks at the thought of maybe not using that money to fly to Australia and see my pals in January...but my heart quickly soars at the idea of sharing a home with Jose and making him dinner after a long day at work. Ah! The possibilities. I think about the last time I moved in with a guy (ack barf Dan blech!) and then I think about the prospect of moving in with Jose. Things are SO different now. It's like night and day. Whereas before, I could already feel the error in my ways as soon as the ink dried on those lease papers (I was never meant to be ready)....with Jose, I feel an overall sense of peace, happiness and tranquility. It brings me immense satisfaction knowing I can try and make Jose happy each and every day. For him, I would. For him, I would be the best that I could be. Ahhhhh! SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER LIFE HAS FOR US!!! :D

This is exactly how it should feel when it's meant to be..

A year ago today I had just rolled up to see the Deftones open their tour for "Koi No Yokan" in Ventura. Knowing my friends were already standing in line, I didn't think much of cutting in line and sneaking in behind a bunch of kids I had never met before. They seem to know my friends already, what was the harm? So I didn't look like a total scum bag, I introduced myself to each and every one of them.

And there he was. Jose. Only I didn't even know his name yet or much less how he would change my life.
We were just two perfect strangers....

When I remember the moment I first laid eyes on him, it all plays out in slow motion. I can see him clear as day smiling back at me as I said "hi" and shook his hand. He was just the cutest thing I had ever seen. I kick myself for not trying to talk to him that day....

We met on a Tuesday. Friend requested by Thursday. On our first date by Saturday. Together officially as a couple exactly a month later.

I'm so glad I took a chance and went on that date. The love I have for this boy is immeasurable. He really is a dream come true.

I took this picture on the day we met, shortly after we introduced ourselves. I have this vivid memory of him photo-bombing my pictures so he could get my attention. I still have all those pictures saved on my phone. How could I ever forget? :)