"I can't remember how this got started but I can tell you exactly how it will end"

I posted a barely humorous slant on the passing of author JD Salinger and historian Howard Zinn on Facebook:

"The Grim Reaper, JD Salinger and Howard Zinn are probably making jokes about all the reading they made me do in high school. It's okay guys, I didn't mind."

My usual group of friends weighed in on the topic. What I didn't expect was a blurb from Ed.

"wow i am out of the loop i did not even know howard Zinn was dead."

I saw the e-mail notification in my inbox this morning and I instantly felt the blood begin to pound in my ears. It was like a dull roar inside my brain until I read the comment and digested what he had said. It was nothing. I didn't reply.

Sometimes I wish I could build a Frankenstein boyfriend. Hahaha. I know that sounds stupid but bear with me.

He'd be as handsome and as educated as Edgar with the same punk sensibilities. Have the street smarts and overwhelming knowledge of Danny. Be as respectful and kind as Paul. Have the wild, partying good nature and musical talent of Rob. And of course, be as in tune to Latino customs and courtesies as Julio. Ahhh. A girl can dream.

I went back to having sex with Danny. We've been in good terms since the last big fight. Only time will tell where this will lead us.

"Everybody's lost but they're pretending they're not.."

What a perfectly shitty way to end my January...

I am sick. Stuffy in the head, leaky nose, minor aches and pains...and a stomach that won't settle. Maybe it's swine flu...Lord knows I'm a perfectly, cromulent pig.

But more on that later.

Friday night I had it out with Danny since he was dragging his feet to get ready to go out for dinner. I snapped (after bottling it up for weeks) and let it fly...a storm of verbal accusations, complaints, insults and a barrage of threats to break up when the day finally comes and we move out of the hell-hole we call our apartment.

Well, he didn't take it well. In fact, I expected more yelling and name-calling from him...but instead, he broke down and nearly cried. At that point, I did my best to stop talking and just listen to him. He feels I've given up too quickly because things have "gotten hard" and that he really loves me and believes we're worth saving. He feels I'm not trying anymore and that he's the only one trying to make each day pleasant. That might be true, but I didn't say a word. He also wants me to tell him exactly what I don't like about him. *AHEM* I stayed mum on that subject, too...I told him there was no way I was going to sit there and give him a laundry list of reasons why I hate being with him or why I look forward to moving out soon. I'm pretty sure it hurt him the most to find out that I secretly hate every day I spend in that apartment.

Once tempers had cooled and the anger had subsided, he asked if there was "someone else."

Dead silence. I had my back to him and could easily hide the guilt that flashed across my face. Quickly, what do I say?

I replied in a calm voice: "How can there be somebody else? I spend all day with you and when I'm not with you, I'm at work or at my mom's house."

And that was it. Edgar does not count as "someone else." We are not seeing each other regularly, he is not my secret boyfriend or even my full-time paramour. He is part-time, at best. An irregular lover that I do not love.

Our fight is finally over and we've settled it at least for one more night as I walk to the bathroom. My phone chimes. I feel dread sink in my stomach. It's him again.

Edgar: Sorry about not replying to you sooner. I don't think I can make it tomorrow night. Thanks for the link, though.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

WHY? WHYYYY???

I almost kick the toilet in anger. I wait an hour before replying, once the disappointment has sunk in:

me: That's too bad. I wanted to make you sore in a whole new set of places. Maybe next time.

And that's what I'm looking forward to at the end of the summer? A guy who can't fucking even commit to one night with me, one stupid night out of the month? A guy who doesn't even give a flying fuck about me? I knew it. How could I be so stupid and let him get under my skin again? He is UNAVAILABLE. He only wants to come out when he feels like it and that's not enough for me. I know it and Goddamn even he knows it. I gotta wake up and realize it...Edgar is not going to be the man I want him to be.

So I got sick this week. And Dan has been a darling about the whole thing. He washed the dishes two nights in a row. He made me dinner and hot tea, made sure I got my rest and didn't care that I was all sick in the face...he still gives me kisses and hugs no matter how gross my runny nose is or how much of a mess my hair is.

Ed doesn't strike me as the type of guy who will sit on the couch with me and watch Big Bang Theory while I cough, sneeze and blow my nose in my pajamas. I look like a wretched mess, my hair in a messy ponytail, wearing two pairs of socks and fuzzy slippers, wrapped all up in a Dodger blanket amid a trail of crusty Kleenex tissues. But yet here is Dan, sitting right next to me and holding his arms out so we can cuddle. He gives me a kiss at the top of my head and we watch our favorite show.

Edgar is not that type of guy. Danny is.

What the hell do I do now?!??!

Shake for me girl...I wanna be your backdoor man...

I am no good at being demure or even remotely coquettish.

Last night, Dan went with his friend Jon to an L.A. Kings hockey game and I was left home alone...it wasn't too bad....I sat around the apartment, getting up here and there to periodically clean some stuff up. I made both our beds, let the heating warm up the rooms, straightened up the coffee table, washed the dishes and cleared out the trash. I even had some time to tidy up my iTunes tags.

I got bored pretty quickly of watching the Jersey Shore marathon so I took a long, hot shower. The whole time I kept thinking, "Now would be a good time to call Edgar, huh?" "There's no one here to hear you talking to him...no one to listen in or eavesdrop...do it."

NOOOOO NOOOOO NO! NO! NO! Be strong!

I caved around 9 pm after the sound of thunder and lightning had subsided. My face twitched. I put Jersey Shore on mute and dialed. I held my breath as the other line rang. My stomach quivered. Blood seemed to rush to my face. It rang once. Twice. Three times.

He picks up at the fourth ring, "Hey what's up?"

I inhale sharply, "Hiii...it's me." Did I just squeak that?

We make some nice chat, always pleasant and flirty. He tells me about the near tornado touching down at his work place...fortunately he was home at the time, he had taken the day off to turn in some law school apps and paperwork. He asks about my Facebook status proclaiming I'm home alone and wonders where Dan is. I didn't think he ever read any of the shit I post.

About 40 minutes or so into the conversation I hear his phone cutting in and out...I think he's on his last bit of battery charge...he warns me that he may suddenly be cut off and just as I try to ask if he will be coming over Saturday night, he's gone.

I sit and look at the phone, frustrated. "Call ended."

I dial him back. Twice. Both times it goes straight to voicemail: "Hi, you've reached the cell phone of Edgar Cruz, please leave me a message...."

I hang up, annoyed.

I text him instead, desperate to just finish the conversation and ask if he will be spending the night this weekend:

me: Damn your phone! I didn't even get to ask you if I'd be seeing you on Saturday night. Oh well!

No answer from him yet and it's now Friday afternoon. I don't want to seem desperate but it's much too late now. I remember in the haze of my memory he had expressed fondness for that Lionel Hutz character on the Simpsons. He always liked this bit about "a world without lawyers." I find it on YouTube this morning and post it on his Facebook with the caption "Found it...."



So he's definitely on track to at least try to get into law school. He says he's going to try for UCLA, USC, Whittier and I forget where else. The first three are all in southern California which would be great! The one that escapes my memory is either in New York or Chicago, which would suck. At least if I had him in SoCal, I could keep seeing him...intermittently of course...(sigh)

I deserve better than that. I must be crazy.

Part of me wants to just stop trying to seduce him. I need to stop trying to lure him back to my place for sex. I'm setting myself up for failure.

Life is the crummiest book I ever read: there isn't a hook, just a lot of cheap shots

I couldn't make it more than 3 weeks without texting him again. I tried so hard to focus elsewhere or think about my regular day-to-day life, but the urge and the craving was much too intense.

I blame my weak will power. This is why I can't diet. This is why I always falter...

Nevermind that I've taken it upon myself the selfish task of refusing to have sex with Dan. It's getting harder and harder to turn him away...I feel soul-crushingly depressed when I turn him down. I can hear the distaste in his voice and I can see the hurt in his eyes. Every way I try to fix this mess just puts me in deeper and deeper.

I cracked on Sunday afternoon and grabbed my phone. I could feel the venom in every keystroke:

me: Hey there, was wondering if you'd be around next Saturday night? Maybe you can spend the night this time?

Not even 2 minutes had passed before--

Edgar: Hey. I will let you know.

I feel my face flush hot. I feel invigorated. I feel terrible. Guilt-ridden. Oh but I want him, I want him every single day...why does it have to be like this?

me: Cool. Thanks. See ya handsome.

No response to that last remark. No reply in kind. I don't see why I bother being so nice to him. I'm sure he's probably with the guys and has already stashed the phone in his coat pocket, satisfied he's given me only a morsel of attention.

That's what I get.

I don't care if people cheat. I know it's wrong. Never said it wasn't. I suppose I can say I understand. I'm probably one of the few people out there that will actually defend rotten human beings like Tiger Woods. I know because I'm rotten, too. We have a major malfunction inside of us. We are fakes. We are liars. And we are cowards. Tiger and I...along with all these other rottens are people who have it all except that one thing: love.

I got a nice car. The apartment I want. A great family. Awesome, hilarious friends. And an exciting career that pays extremely well.

But I don't have that perfect mate. So instead of trying to work at my relationship with Dan, I forced it into something it wasn't and tried so hard to make him the centerpiece of my life...the one true love I dreamed of. But it didn't work. And so I used Edgar as an outlet to curb my feelings of resentment and loneliness. Mistake, after mistake, after mistake. An error to cure an error. I am a shitty person. I need help. I can't make this stop. I can't stop feeding the lies and keeping up appearances.

I remember Ed holding my chin up and looking straight into my eyes: "Hey, you're not a shitty person, okay? You're just a person in a shitty situation."

I don't do it often. I don't sneak away every single weekend behind Dan's back. Think about it: I've hooked up with Ed only 4 or 5 times in the last year and a half. The encounters are getting closer and closer together because the lease will be over soon. I am spiraling out of control in the most controlled manner possible.

I'm also highly delusional.

I have told only two people about this "affair." My best friend Lauren and my good friend Susie in Australia. I hope my exploits have not alienated them from me. I wouldn't blame them if they never talked to me again.

The mask I have put in front of my face is slowly cracking.

My Empire of Dirt

I think the widening void inside of my heart is being filled with obsessing over the end of my lease...I feel like a prisoner that is focusing all on their release date. I've already started making plans for all the money I earned at the end of the year and at the beginning of this one.

In mid and late December I received over $3,000 in Christmas bonus money. And this past Thursday I was paid out for my yearly job appraisal, which was another $700+. I couldn't be more happier! Money woes are behind me (for now) and I hope that my taxes go well and I don't have to pay too much to the government.

I've made plans to go to Vegas with my co-worker Sandy in late June. My friends from Texas will be joining us, which yes...includes Julio and his best friend Josh. Should be interesting to see if sparks fly again...I fully intend to be "on a break" from Dan at that time.

Throwing even more caution to the wind, I will take off to see my friend Caroline in Wisconsin sometime in early July, I hope.

May or may not sneak off to see Paul in Berkeley in either May or mid July. Again, on a "break" of sorts from Dan. Paul told me on FB the other day:

"Come visit us up here again! I can promise interesting times..."

I told him I would and that I'd let him know ASAP, to which he responded:

"Heh. You should definitely come visit again! Let me know when you know."

This helps to keep me from FB-stalking the hell out of Edgar. I check out all the comments he gets and receives from girls on his friends list....I look at all their pictures and wonder if they're prettier than me...is he hooking up with them too? ...why doesn't he comment my crap?....is this jealousy? It's a horrible feeling.

I want out.

My daily mantra is "He is a means to an end. He is a means to an end. As a couple, you look good on paper but it would never work out!"

I go on 10 minutes walks at work to clear my head: one in the morning and a second in the afternoon. I try and flush out all the negativity and obsessive worrying. I will not pin any hopes on Edgar. I will not walk off into the sunset with him when this is all over. He is NOT my salvation, he is not my hero. He is a boy who likes me, enjoys my company and finds me incredibly sexy but he does not give a dick about me...or at least not enough to make any serious plans or commitments to me. He is not perfect, he is not above suspicion and he is never going to complete any fairy-tale romance. So forget it stupid crazy heart, you're not squeezing any marriage proposals or twin babies out of him; no matter how perfect getting married on the leap year would be. That's not in the cards for us....I mean ME. There is no us. There is only me.

THERE IS NO US. THERE IS ONLY ME.

(sigh sigh sigh)

p.s. If I ever do get to have children, I do hope for at least a boy and a girl. I'd name them David Aaron and Teresa Rachel. Someday.

I'm a bullet and a target...

Another week down and I'm trying to curb my appetite, my insatiable craving for Edgar...resisting the urge to call or text feels like breaking a habit.

I count it as a victory if I've had a few shots of tequila and I don't immediately grab my phone to tell him I think he's fucking sexy. My hands twitch at the thought of it...

I need him. Bad. Bad. Bad. My next chance might be January 22nd but I don't want to bet on anything. I just take it one day at a time.

What bugs me is how much I've let Ed get under my skin. I obsessively check his Facebook profile for any changes or new pictures. I see his cousins post family pictures and it makes me smile to see him grinning like an idiot. Every fragment or morsel of information makes the disgusting stalker inside of me feel giddy. It's just so gross. I want to not like him so much...I want to not care about him but it's hard.

He has a slight lisp when he talks, especially when he's excited or talking fast. I keep screaming in my head that it's not adorable. It feels useless to do so.

I found an old picture of us, taken on Friday March 31st 2006 in (where else?) a Starbucks during Spring Break:



We look weird together. Happy? But weird.

New Year, New Trouble

Happy 2010. I can't believe I'm going to dedicate at least 7 months of this brand new year still living with Dan. I wish my lease would end sooner.

I've spent a good chunk of my free thoughts daydreaming about hooking up with Edgar again...but I have to wait. It'll seem all too desperate if I text him this week and ask he come see me this weekend while Dan's at his parents house.

Ohhhh but I want it. I WANT IT SO BAD!

Dan and I spent New Year's Eve apart. I hung out with my mom and had wayyyy too much to drink. When I get drunk, I tend to send drunken texts...naturally:

me: Happy new year, Ed. Im drunk. I want to see more of you in 2010!!
Edgar: LOL Happy New Year.

My best friend and I hung out this weekend and I wanted to confess to her so badly that I'm having this evil affair. I was able to tell her that I don't want to be with Dan by the end of the lease. She was a little shocked but relieved I wasn't going to keep leading Dan on or doing something I don't want to do.

I wonder if Dan knows that the reason I was finally able to make him come in my mouth is because I practiced so much with Ed.

My current favorite memory is cradling Edgar's head in my lap and stroking his hair while he talked about how much he enjoys talking to me...he said something like, "I enjoy the sex and everything of course, but man...what I really love always is just being able to really talk to you. We have the best conversations. That's like number one."

Everything feels like an eternity. Just waiting, waiting...

The last time I had sex with Dan was New Year's Eve. I didn't finish and was quite disgusted with it all. I've decided that my New Year's Resolution is to stop having sex with Dan altogether. I can't bear the thought of keeping that charade up forever.

Nobody should feel sorry for me.