My Empire of Dirt

I think the widening void inside of my heart is being filled with obsessing over the end of my lease...I feel like a prisoner that is focusing all on their release date. I've already started making plans for all the money I earned at the end of the year and at the beginning of this one.

In mid and late December I received over $3,000 in Christmas bonus money. And this past Thursday I was paid out for my yearly job appraisal, which was another $700+. I couldn't be more happier! Money woes are behind me (for now) and I hope that my taxes go well and I don't have to pay too much to the government.

I've made plans to go to Vegas with my co-worker Sandy in late June. My friends from Texas will be joining us, which yes...includes Julio and his best friend Josh. Should be interesting to see if sparks fly again...I fully intend to be "on a break" from Dan at that time.

Throwing even more caution to the wind, I will take off to see my friend Caroline in Wisconsin sometime in early July, I hope.

May or may not sneak off to see Paul in Berkeley in either May or mid July. Again, on a "break" of sorts from Dan. Paul told me on FB the other day:

"Come visit us up here again! I can promise interesting times..."

I told him I would and that I'd let him know ASAP, to which he responded:

"Heh. You should definitely come visit again! Let me know when you know."

This helps to keep me from FB-stalking the hell out of Edgar. I check out all the comments he gets and receives from girls on his friends list....I look at all their pictures and wonder if they're prettier than me...is he hooking up with them too? ...why doesn't he comment my crap?....is this jealousy? It's a horrible feeling.

I want out.

My daily mantra is "He is a means to an end. He is a means to an end. As a couple, you look good on paper but it would never work out!"

I go on 10 minutes walks at work to clear my head: one in the morning and a second in the afternoon. I try and flush out all the negativity and obsessive worrying. I will not pin any hopes on Edgar. I will not walk off into the sunset with him when this is all over. He is NOT my salvation, he is not my hero. He is a boy who likes me, enjoys my company and finds me incredibly sexy but he does not give a dick about me...or at least not enough to make any serious plans or commitments to me. He is not perfect, he is not above suspicion and he is never going to complete any fairy-tale romance. So forget it stupid crazy heart, you're not squeezing any marriage proposals or twin babies out of him; no matter how perfect getting married on the leap year would be. That's not in the cards for us....I mean ME. There is no us. There is only me.

THERE IS NO US. THERE IS ONLY ME.

(sigh sigh sigh)

p.s. If I ever do get to have children, I do hope for at least a boy and a girl. I'd name them David Aaron and Teresa Rachel. Someday.