Life is the crummiest book I ever read: there isn't a hook, just a lot of cheap shots

I couldn't make it more than 3 weeks without texting him again. I tried so hard to focus elsewhere or think about my regular day-to-day life, but the urge and the craving was much too intense.

I blame my weak will power. This is why I can't diet. This is why I always falter...

Nevermind that I've taken it upon myself the selfish task of refusing to have sex with Dan. It's getting harder and harder to turn him away...I feel soul-crushingly depressed when I turn him down. I can hear the distaste in his voice and I can see the hurt in his eyes. Every way I try to fix this mess just puts me in deeper and deeper.

I cracked on Sunday afternoon and grabbed my phone. I could feel the venom in every keystroke:

me: Hey there, was wondering if you'd be around next Saturday night? Maybe you can spend the night this time?

Not even 2 minutes had passed before--

Edgar: Hey. I will let you know.

I feel my face flush hot. I feel invigorated. I feel terrible. Guilt-ridden. Oh but I want him, I want him every single day...why does it have to be like this?

me: Cool. Thanks. See ya handsome.

No response to that last remark. No reply in kind. I don't see why I bother being so nice to him. I'm sure he's probably with the guys and has already stashed the phone in his coat pocket, satisfied he's given me only a morsel of attention.

That's what I get.

I don't care if people cheat. I know it's wrong. Never said it wasn't. I suppose I can say I understand. I'm probably one of the few people out there that will actually defend rotten human beings like Tiger Woods. I know because I'm rotten, too. We have a major malfunction inside of us. We are fakes. We are liars. And we are cowards. Tiger and I...along with all these other rottens are people who have it all except that one thing: love.

I got a nice car. The apartment I want. A great family. Awesome, hilarious friends. And an exciting career that pays extremely well.

But I don't have that perfect mate. So instead of trying to work at my relationship with Dan, I forced it into something it wasn't and tried so hard to make him the centerpiece of my life...the one true love I dreamed of. But it didn't work. And so I used Edgar as an outlet to curb my feelings of resentment and loneliness. Mistake, after mistake, after mistake. An error to cure an error. I am a shitty person. I need help. I can't make this stop. I can't stop feeding the lies and keeping up appearances.

I remember Ed holding my chin up and looking straight into my eyes: "Hey, you're not a shitty person, okay? You're just a person in a shitty situation."

I don't do it often. I don't sneak away every single weekend behind Dan's back. Think about it: I've hooked up with Ed only 4 or 5 times in the last year and a half. The encounters are getting closer and closer together because the lease will be over soon. I am spiraling out of control in the most controlled manner possible.

I'm also highly delusional.

I have told only two people about this "affair." My best friend Lauren and my good friend Susie in Australia. I hope my exploits have not alienated them from me. I wouldn't blame them if they never talked to me again.

The mask I have put in front of my face is slowly cracking.