"Everybody's lost but they're pretending they're not.."

What a perfectly shitty way to end my January...

I am sick. Stuffy in the head, leaky nose, minor aches and pains...and a stomach that won't settle. Maybe it's swine flu...Lord knows I'm a perfectly, cromulent pig.

But more on that later.

Friday night I had it out with Danny since he was dragging his feet to get ready to go out for dinner. I snapped (after bottling it up for weeks) and let it fly...a storm of verbal accusations, complaints, insults and a barrage of threats to break up when the day finally comes and we move out of the hell-hole we call our apartment.

Well, he didn't take it well. In fact, I expected more yelling and name-calling from him...but instead, he broke down and nearly cried. At that point, I did my best to stop talking and just listen to him. He feels I've given up too quickly because things have "gotten hard" and that he really loves me and believes we're worth saving. He feels I'm not trying anymore and that he's the only one trying to make each day pleasant. That might be true, but I didn't say a word. He also wants me to tell him exactly what I don't like about him. *AHEM* I stayed mum on that subject, too...I told him there was no way I was going to sit there and give him a laundry list of reasons why I hate being with him or why I look forward to moving out soon. I'm pretty sure it hurt him the most to find out that I secretly hate every day I spend in that apartment.

Once tempers had cooled and the anger had subsided, he asked if there was "someone else."

Dead silence. I had my back to him and could easily hide the guilt that flashed across my face. Quickly, what do I say?

I replied in a calm voice: "How can there be somebody else? I spend all day with you and when I'm not with you, I'm at work or at my mom's house."

And that was it. Edgar does not count as "someone else." We are not seeing each other regularly, he is not my secret boyfriend or even my full-time paramour. He is part-time, at best. An irregular lover that I do not love.

Our fight is finally over and we've settled it at least for one more night as I walk to the bathroom. My phone chimes. I feel dread sink in my stomach. It's him again.

Edgar: Sorry about not replying to you sooner. I don't think I can make it tomorrow night. Thanks for the link, though.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

WHY? WHYYYY???

I almost kick the toilet in anger. I wait an hour before replying, once the disappointment has sunk in:

me: That's too bad. I wanted to make you sore in a whole new set of places. Maybe next time.

And that's what I'm looking forward to at the end of the summer? A guy who can't fucking even commit to one night with me, one stupid night out of the month? A guy who doesn't even give a flying fuck about me? I knew it. How could I be so stupid and let him get under my skin again? He is UNAVAILABLE. He only wants to come out when he feels like it and that's not enough for me. I know it and Goddamn even he knows it. I gotta wake up and realize it...Edgar is not going to be the man I want him to be.

So I got sick this week. And Dan has been a darling about the whole thing. He washed the dishes two nights in a row. He made me dinner and hot tea, made sure I got my rest and didn't care that I was all sick in the face...he still gives me kisses and hugs no matter how gross my runny nose is or how much of a mess my hair is.

Ed doesn't strike me as the type of guy who will sit on the couch with me and watch Big Bang Theory while I cough, sneeze and blow my nose in my pajamas. I look like a wretched mess, my hair in a messy ponytail, wearing two pairs of socks and fuzzy slippers, wrapped all up in a Dodger blanket amid a trail of crusty Kleenex tissues. But yet here is Dan, sitting right next to me and holding his arms out so we can cuddle. He gives me a kiss at the top of my head and we watch our favorite show.

Edgar is not that type of guy. Danny is.

What the hell do I do now?!??!