I fought the law...and the law won...

At about 11 this morning I get some wonderful news from Edgar:

Edgar: Hey, I got in.
me: Got in to where?
Edgar: Western State School of Law
me: Ed, I am very proud of you!! Congrats!! I knew you had it in you. We should celebrate this weekend... ;)
Edgar: Not sure about this weekend but def. need to celebrate.
me: You know how to find me. Congrats again.

I love, love, love that he's staying in Southern California....in Fullerton to be exact, which is just a few minutes from my soon-to-home-again Whittier and in beautiful (yet annoying) Orange County! I also love, love, love that he sought me out for once and felt I should know his big news. It gives me hope that maybe he knows that I'm special....because I know I am. I could make him very happy. I could be his girl...more than just a secret confidant and irregular lover.

I'm trying to not read into things too much. I'm sure in his mind he's trying to keep me (presumably his friend/paramour) in the loop...that he's so excited about the news and wanted to make sure I knew what the outcome of the whole law school application ordeal finally was. I can't mine this little text conversation for anymore hints or subtle messages. But could it be that he's trying to tell me that yeah....he's sticking around for another couple of years? That he's glad he'll stay near me?

No, it can't. I can't be so selfish.

It irks me to no end that I would get down on my hands and knees for this boy...that I would alter my life...that I would spend all my time with him...if he just asked me to. But I can't fucking do that for Dan.

God, fuck my heart!!!! It gets so hopeful for things that I know can't happen...I don't know how to make Edgar want to take that leap and be with me in a normal capacity. I hate knowing that I would things for him that he'd never do for me. And why do I want to be with a guy like that? Men don't change unless they want to....boys even less. Ughhhh. Matters of the heart are so frustrating...it never gets better. Just more complicated and twisted.

I just want to de-stress about this. I want a crystal ball. I want someone to spoil the ending for me. I want time to hurry up. I want to not care so much. I want him. I want Edgar, every day and all the time. I want him to want me back.

(sigh sigh sigh, forever and ever....just sigh)

Or maybe I just want to fuck a lawyer.

Yeah, that's it.