The little deaths....and a funeral

He came through....Edgar finally made a half-way decent promise and delivered...though the circumstances were a bit sad and morbid.

An old classmate of ours from high school passed away. Painkillers and alcohol. He suffered a heart attack, his heart stopped, that was it. It makes you so incredibly ill with sadness...a young life extinguished. I made plans to attend the funeral...this boy had also been a good friend of Dan's. I wasn't thinking about anything other than trying to keep my fellow colleagues updated on funeral information and what not...and then I get a message from Ed.

Edgar April 7 at 10:13am
What happened to [our friend]?

me April 7 at 10:15am
He passed away on April 1st. I am finding out how he died. His service and viewing is on Sat. Let met know if you want details. I'm going of course, he was good friends with Dan.

this sucks, Ed...he would have turned 26 yesterday.

Edgar April 7 at 10:25am
yeah i know

me April 7 at 12:46pm
I think you and I had tentatively made plans to hang out this coming Saturday night. As I'm sure you're aware, I will be in L.A. at the funeral in the early afternoon....

I'll be spending the night at my mom's in Whittier. I don't have plans anymore. Honestly, I really don't want to be alone that night. Hopefully we can make it happen this time and hang out....I'm sure you'll let me know. Thanks


I felt stupid after clicking send...it sounded like I was trying to use this boy's death to hook up with Edgar...I wasn't...I was trying to convey my sense of shock, disbelief and self-reflection...people my age don't die! We're too young!!! I didn't want to be left along to stew in my thoughts over the inevitable...I didn't want to think about how brief life could really be. I didn't want to face the idea that one day I could also be gone...

Edgar surprised me by actually calling me up on Friday night...I panicked when I saw the caller ID and his name flashed across my phone's screen...Dan was standing a mere 2 feet away from me at the movie theater ticket counter. I rejected the call.

He left a voicemail....my insides both sank and soared at the same time...I pressed the phone to my ear in the movie theater restroom and nearly sank in the toilet when I heard his voice.

"Hey [you] its Edgar. Uhm, can you do me a favor and please text me the information for [our friend's] funeral tomorrow. You have my number so please get a hold of me..."

Oh God. Oh God. He's serious...he's going...shit shit shit...

I discreetly sent a text to see what he wanted before I had heard the voicemail...the rest of the conversation involved me having to send some of the most hidden and fastest texts ever...I even stepped out of Clash of the Titans (in 3-D mind you) to get this over with...

me: Cant talk. Text me please.
Edgar: Need info [for his] funeral.
me: I'm not near a computer or Facebook. I will try to get it for u sometime tonight.
Edgar: Thanks.
me: [I send the funeral info].
me: I assume u got the funeral info. See ya.
Edgar: Thanks.

Ahhhh...his mono-syllabic speech patterns are so refreshing...(yeah right)

I was half convinced he would never show up to the funeral. He knew Dan would be there. I couldn't have my secret life and my normal life collide like that. We didn't need anymore death in this funeral. The other half of me lived in dread. What if he did show up? What would I say? How would the three of us act? How can I look hot in black but still be somber? What. the. fuck.

Thankfully, he didn't show up. Believe me, I craned my neck enough. The funeral was a traditional Japanese one. I didn't cry. Not even when I put a white flower on my dead classmate's chest as he laid there in his coffin, gray and with his eyes closed. I hugged his family and said I was sorry for their loss. It killed me inside. One would think I'd be used to this feeling. Seeing all of my old friends from high school was very pleasant. We all made loose plans to hang out on happier terms. I realized on the ride home I really wanted to see Ed. But maybe it was better this way.

I stewed nonetheless at home. Death, life, love, anger, sadness...all of these feelings swirling...I pondered my own mortality...

I watched my beloved Dodgers lose to the Florida Marlins. Ed is probably watching this game, too surrounded by his buddies. My face twitched. That familiar urge galloped in my insides. I reached for my phone.

me: Just watched the dodgers lose...again. Did u go to the funeral?

(I knew the answer. I held my breath)

Edgar: No. Did u?
me: yeah, it was a traditional Japanese funeral. i didn't cry but i almost did when i hugged his parents.
Edgar: That sucks.
me: Totally. So what's up...we hanging out tonight or are you off on an adventure?
Edgar: Yeah, let's get some drinks around 11.
me: 11 it is. Want to meet at the same Starbucks parking lot?
Edgar: Sure.
me: See ya then.

I wore my new Bad Religion shirt...jeans...eyeliner...my nails painted black...my niece straightened my hair and it looked incredibly smooth.

He called at 10:50. "Don't fucking cancel on me, jerk" my vagina screamed.

No worries. He told me was running a bit late but was on his way...he'd call me when he was nearby so I could take off. I chattered nervously around my family and got my things ready. My mind ran in circles imagining all the things I'd do to him.

11:08 - he says he's about 5 minutes away. He sounds so relaxed...so at ease...I strain to sound composed but the excitement creeps into my voice and I think I sound hyper. God only knows how I don't snap my keys in half getting into my car. I listen to my favorite radio station on the way over, happily singing along to every song that comes on. I pull into the Starbucks parking lot...our designated spot. I see his White Solara parked under the bright lights of the lot's lamp post. I pull up next to him, one spot between us. I calmly turn off my engine (OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD) and grab my purse. My overnight bag sits on the floor of my passenger side (I WANT HIM I WANT HIM) and I glance over at him sideways...he smiles at me and starts to get out (I AM GOING TO FUCK YOU SO FUCKING HARD).

We embrace in the chilly air and bullshit about where we want to go...we both agree that all the bars in Whittier suck and will be closing in another 45 minutes...so to Reseda it is, where there's Johnnie Walker Blue Label and a warm bed. We take off but I make him go back for my overnight bag before we've even driven a block. In all of my excitement, I forgot about the possible sleep over. I don't think about sleep, though. All I want is sex, kisses, blowjobs and orgasms. My stomach flutters. My pussy aches for him.

Let's save a separate entry for all that in the next post....