We talk about the passing of our friend and the tragedy of the situation...I confirm the rumor that yes, it was pills and alcohol. Edgar says he didn't feel right attending the funeral having not talked to our friend in such a long time...also, the thought of having to face me and Dan together was a little too awkward...he said his friend (who would have accompanied to the funeral) was joking about screaming "Edgar fucked your girlfriend!" to Dan. Funny...
He grabs my hand and holds it sweetly. I apologize for how icy they must feel...he warms them up by blowing his breath on them...I giggle and he smiles, "Yeah that probably didn't work..."
We make our usual spot-on conversation complete with hilarious digressions and anecdotes...I look out the window and watch southeast L.A. speed past us...I see a piece of a bumper (or fender?) sitting in the emergency lane next to us...he swerves to the right a little to avoid it..."Whoa!!" he says and mutters that it's a rear end spoiler...I stand corrected.
I love how we can just talk and talk and we never run out of things to say...such a stark contrast to Dan...we run out of conversation before we even get home...he's usually sound asleep, snoring...I love how Ed takes hold of the steering wheel and makes me forget my troubles...I watch him drive there in the dark, his face intermittently being lit up by the headlights of passing motorists...he looks amazing..the cities run by us in a blur: Whittier, El Monte, Montebello, Monterey Park, East L.A., Downtown, Hollywood, Universal City, Studio City, Glendale, Burbank, Sherman Oaks, Tarzana...and then Reseda..."Is this you?" he asks as we approach Balboa...I shake my head..."I'm on Reseda Blvd., the next one actually." So this is really happening, huh?
We arrive at my apartment and make ourselves comfortable...he remarks that my place isn't as cold as it was last time..."It's April! Now it's only 60 degrees!" I laugh as I get him a glass for his drink and a small shot glass for mine...
"Can you do me a favor? You're taller than I am..can you get the bottle?" I ask coyly with a smile...he happily obliges and I watch him reach up on his tip toes to open the top cabinet. He holds the bottle of JW Blue almost lovingly and smiles at me: "Now aren't you glad I convinced you to get this? It's the best investment ever." I burst into laughter and insist he was only PART of the reason. I tap the glass bottle, "It's a boy magnet. Best birthday present ever." He kisses me abruptly...a kiss turns into a caress...suddenly he's got me pinned against the counter, next to the sink...his lips trailing from my open mouth to my neck, to my ear...he runs his fingers through my hair and I'm drowning in this good feeling...I grip the waistline of his jeans and steady myself...he's touching my breast, my stomach, my crotch...oh God, it's a dizzying heat of open mouth kisses punctuated by the delight of his soft, wet tongue in my mouth...I linger my tongue on his..every time I pull away coquettishly from his kisses and lightly push him away, he pulls me closer and buries his warm mouth on my neck and chest...I giggle happily "Fuck...you drive me crazy!" He meets my gaze and arches an eyebrow "Do you want me to stop? I'll stop if you want me to...just tell me." I bite my lip and shake my head, "Keep going." I rest my arms on his shoulder blades and we kiss until I feel his erection on my hip. The air feels electric...I manage to break the spell and playfully pull away. I stumble a little and grab his glass "Uhmm...do you want ice?" I laugh as I wipe the taste of my own lip gloss from the corner of my mouth. He answers quickly: "Yes, please. Three cubes." I smack the ice tray against the counter and drop in the cubes *clink clink clink* He pours himself a drink and fills my shot glass up. We clink our glasses and toast to our fallen friend at Edgar's suggestion. And down the hatch it goes...uhghhhhh...it burns! But so good! He swallows a mouthful and grins.
The whisky works down my system, starting out in my throat, down my chest and finally settling in my stomach....I grab a Smirnoff Ice and he opens it for me, "It's a twist off!" he laughs and I have to tell him the story about the time I tried to open a twist off in the dark, drunk on my 22nd birthday with a bottle opener and how I slashed my thumb. I bled everywhere and had to be rescued by my roomate's then-EMT boyfriend. "And since then I always have someone else open twist offs for me."
As the alcohol starts to penetrate our system and we drink more, the stories and loud laughter start coming...he proclaims that when we gets into law school he's going to buy himself a bottle of JW Blue Label King George V Edition..."That's like $600 a bottle!" I remark and he nods with confidence. "How about I give you the rest of this bottle when you get into law school, as a present?" I joke. "I'll take it!" he agrees. Somehow the conversation meanders over to speaking Spanish and how we're both not very good at it...we start speaking Spanish to each other, laughing in loud bursts when we forget the right word or trip over our pronunciation. We keep correcting each other and it's just so stupid...in my tipsy stupor he explains that his family is actually from Culiacán, a city in northwestern Mexico in the state of Sinaloa. I was close!
He leads me back to the couch and we set our drinks down on the coffee table. "So I'm thinking of getting my own place by June in Long Beach. I found the perfect studio so I'm saving up my money." I happily congratulate him...so maybe he's staying here after all...yesss!!! "Well, make sure to invite me for the housewarming" I say as I take a long drink from my strawberry flavored Smirnoff. It's only a matter of time before we're making out again like two love-starved teenagers. I remember being a dorky high school freshman geek with glasses, pining desperately over punk rocker Edgar...and here he is on my couch 11 years later, running his hands all over me, hungrily kissing my mouth...I quietly give my 15 year old awkward self props while Ed marvels over my breasts. He caresses my nipples over my shirt and smiles to himself as he feels how hard they are. God this is so hot.
I come up for air and glance over at him as he sits only inches away from me. I smile at him as I nervously nibble on my cuticle. He pushes my hand away and fastens his mouth back on me. Very, very hot. "Admit, you don't want me to stop" he breathes and I sigh near his lips and close my eyes. I don't want this feeling to ever end. How can I keep this forever? We compose ourselves for a little bit and try to sit at opposite ends of the little couch. We drink more and chat, everything punctuated by my drunken giggle and his carefree chuckle. His ice has melted into his whisky but he relishes every drink. I stare at him with ravenous eyes. I love the way his arms look, lean and with a little muscle peeking out from the short sleeve of his navy blue Tiger Army shirt...it's the cover of Ghost Tigers Rise. He has a mole on his bicep just like I do, on the right arm. He leans back on the couch and pulls me close. We talk even more intensely, now in hushed whispers. I look into his gaze, his eyes are little slits....they're almost closed...he frightens me and turns me on at the same time. "You're so beautiful. Did you know that?" he murmurs and kisses me hard. "You're so beautiful. Don't ever change who you are...a very wise person told me that once" he whispers in my ear. I smile, "I think that was me, right?" He nods and we switch....now he's pressing my back on the couch...I'm almost horizontal, no longer sitting on the couch...he lays his head on my chest and tells me he'd love to fall asleep like this. Then he works on taking my bra off. Oh boy.
He fiddles with the clasps. I shake my head, "Bras are like algebra to boys." He manages to unhook the first two clasps. "Hey! I got it!" he says triumphantly. "Great...keep practicing and one day you'll be able to do it in the dark, with your eyes closed, using your left hand." As soon as I finish talking he's pulled my bra off. "I did do it with my left hand!" he says smugly and pushes my shirt up..."Alright, a black bra...you knew you were going to see me, huh?" he muses and kisses me again. I clasp my arms against my chest to hold up my breasts but it's no use...the girls have gone wild.
He takes my hand and makes me touch his hard erection over his jeans. "That's what you do to me" he says with this devilish grin. I sneak my fingers through the zipper of his jeans and past the waistband of his boxer briefs....I feel his hard-on and crave him enormously. I would rip the fly off his pants, if I could!! "God, you really do drive me crazy" I hiss as I watch him pull his cock out. We kiss as I fasten my hand on his dick. I stop suddenly and look at him through nearly-closed eyes, "Hand jobs are so useless when you've got a blow job waiting for you." I slide down to the floor and slip his shaft right into my mouth. He groans immediately and reclines on the couch as I work him furiously with my mouth. He sinks his fingers into my hair, pulling it slightly. Annoying but guys love doing it. I let him....his chest is rising and falling rapidly...he's breathing so ragged now. I lick him with delight, imaging he's a melting ice cream cone. He can't even talk, he's so far gone....I suck him all the way to the hairy root of his cock, deep throating him like a pro. He grips harder on my hair and pushes me down on his dick. Okay, I get it. I match the movements of his arm and pick up the pace. I wrap my tongue around the base of his shaft as I push my mouth down, then drag it back up to the tip when I retract. He looks like he's going to come soon, his face is flushed red and contorted in what can only be perceived as a mixture of pleasure and pain. I take a deep breath and continue to deep throat him. I go so deep that my ear presses against his lower belly. I hear his stomach digesting. Weird! His dick is wet and slippery as I work him mercilessly. My mouth and his dick makes those familiar wet, gushing sounds that drive me wild. I moan in a pleading tone and signal with a thumbs up, as if to ask him "Almost?" He understands and shakes his head, "Yes. Yes. Almost!" he groans as I continue. It's a matter of seconds and then suddenly he says something like, "Right now..." and my mouth is filled with hot, salty semen. I swallow quickly, almost caught by surprise and lick him clean. We collapse together on the couch and take a breather. "Wow! That was good! My lips are numb!" I exclaim. He laughs hard and kisses me, "The alcohol made that one last a while...I did have two glasses of wine before picking you up.."
Oh whisky dick. I can't be mad at you. :)
He suggests we take the fun to the bedroom. We race to the bedroom and clothes start coming off. Sublime is our soundtrack as he props himself up on his side (I do the same) and he quickly reaches between my legs. He wastes no time finding my clit. I don't feel wet yet and he rubs at it stubbornly. I shiver and quake as he hits the right spot, teasing me and then giving it all to me. I come in a matter of minutes, in spite of myself. I didn't want to yet but his naked body next to me was enough. I cling to him, my nails scratching his back as he rubs my clit again. I murmur words of encouragement, moaning in pleasure. "Say my name...say my name..." he whispers and I give in...I say his name over and over, like it'll make me come hard or something. He pushes me onto my back as he takes my right nipple in his mouth and works his fingers between my legs. I arch my back and cry out. So fucking good. He sucks on my breasts like a mad man. "Easy, easy, easy..." I breathe...but I don't want it to stop.
We wrap ourselves around each other like feverish, hot snakes...two lovers battling it out in bed..."Pawnshop" by Sublime plays softly as we both groan in pleasure. I kiss his soft neck and shoulder blades...his chest gets a barrage of wet kisses, too. I run my hands all over his arms, his back, his tight ass. I can't hold it in anymore. I look into his dark, smoldering eyes: "Oh God, please fuck me!!" I cry hoarsely. He reaches for the condom, a Trojan in gold foil. He mounts me and slowly enters me. I feel his cock widening me as he pushes in. I cry out and throw my head back. He starts thrusting, his face knotted in concentration. He's so red in the face...I want to scream, it feels so good...so hard, so fast..."Let me put my legs on your shoulders, it'll hurt and feel really good!" I choke out. He tries to grab my legs but I'm too fast. I hook them over his shoulder blades and instantly feel the difference. HOLY SHIT. He thrusts and thrusts without stopping and I can't stop from crying out every time I feel him hit the spot...is it my cervix? I can't tell and frankly I don't care..."Can you feel yourself hitting that, baby?" I manage to groan. He can't even talk, he just quickly nods and looks down at me with this panicked look of pleasure and confusion. I can't wait anymore...I come violently and feel myself contract on his dick. "Oh fuck!!" I scream and quickly cover my mouth so the neighbors don't hear. He looks at me wide eyed and collapses on my chest. We both are breathing hard, like we've been running all night. I hold him against me and swear every single dirty word in the book. "You ready to pull out?" I ask, incredibly frazzled. He nods and counts: "One...two...three..." and he slips out with a wet sound. "Did you come?" I ask as I glance at his balls and his now flaccid penis wrapped in the condom (the male genitalia is so weird)..."Yeah, I did. I spent a lot of it earlier though...you got me good earlier." He asks for a tissue and we dispose of the condom. He asks to use my restroom, too. We get back in bed when he returns and talk a little before noticing that it's nearly 3 am. Time to head back home. He says he doesn't feel right spending the night over at my place. "I mean we already fuck in [Dan's] house...I don't think we should add sleeping in the man's place, too" he explains. I shrug, a little disappointed but understanding, "Okay. That's fine. I was planning on making you breakfast in the morning" I flirt...he laughs and says it's incredibly tempting but we should go. "Just say the word and we'll go" I say and he nods and answers, "The word..." Ugh. Silly boy.
Getting dressed is always a sad practice...but it's fun because we talk and make fun of each other...I let my eyes wander over him as I see him pull his shirt over his head...I briefly catch a glimpse at his flat stomach....next time I'm eating strawberries dipped in chocolate off those abs. He complains that he's a bit scrawny....I shake my head and say he isn't.
We make sure everything is back in it's place and ritualistically wash our cups and take out the trash. He reminds me to turn off the light. I wonder if my neighbors heard a peep?
The drive home is even sadder than our clean up...but we hold hands and talk about all of our plans. I will be out of my lease in 4 months...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I don't think Ed is going to be standing there, waiting to take me in his arms...
"I'm scared of changing anything in the relationship we" he says, "It sucks when two people want different things." I don't know who he is trying to convince...me or him. I tell him it's true...I want to be single for a while (and this part is true)...I can't function as Suzie Homemaker and play wifey...I want to be on my own and do what I want...he shakes his head, "Okay but just don't get jaded about the whole thing." I explain to him that I can't get jaded now...I've fallen in and out of love and still come back for more with a refreshed outlook...he asks if I was one of those guys that have hurt me in the past. I shake my head, "No, honey. I just like being with you."
He confirms somewhere on the 101/134 split that he indeed thinks about me when he jerks off. Somehow that makes me feel better.
So we both agree that taking this to the next level probably won't work...we're stuck in a weird limbo...in an affair that thrives on secrecy...on a bond that looks good on paper, but will crumble once we try to introduce complicated feelings...I know that I'd wind up hurt..."You only see one side of me" he reasons....the same could be said about me. He's only ever seen me doe-eyed, cock hungry and drunk...even when we've just sat there and talked, it's always so brief before we're swapping bodily fluids. He's never seen me sick, on my period, bloated or cranky...he's never had to handle my shit like Dan has. I'm too scared of what he'd see.
We get to the Starbucks parking lot and rejoice that yet again I was not towed. I lean over and kiss him like 8 times before I pull away...before I go I get a bright idea. I reach for my cell phone and try to snap a picture of his Tiger Army t-shirt. He laughs and asks what the hell I'm doing as I push away his jacket and seat belt sash. "I want this as my wallpaper for my phone!" He scoffs, "And you can't download it off the web..." He doesn't understand. I explain that I want this picture because it'll be a part of him that I can carry around passive aggressively behind Dan's back...I can't have any actual pictures of him. But it's too dark. So I quickly snap a picture of the clock on his dashboard of his trusty Toyota Solara. "People will ask why you have a picture of 3:31 on your phone..." I shrug "Fuck 'em. None of their business."
I step out and say thank you. He thanks me back and waves. "And please, for the love of God, be good!" I say and he smiles to himself.
4 months...we've been seeing each other every 4 months...16 weeks to get wound up all over again. This boy is making me eat myself up with desire...I can't be in love with him. I can't possess him. He's just like all these clandestine meetings. My best kept secret that no one else can know. And it kills me inside.
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