When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be..

Happy 2 Year Anniversary to us!!!!!!!

In a blink, here we are….living together in our little house: kissing each other goodbye in the mornings as we go our separate ways for work, planning our grocery shopping for the week, washing dishes, scrubbing the bathroom sink, watching TV in our big bed, cuddling during a movie, talking in the dark and making each other laugh before bed.

It hasn’t been perfect. Jose was in a minor car crash and I came down with a strange illness in which I broke out in a rash and had a terrible cough. Jose’s beloved ’88 Honda Civic is out of commission and will most likely be sold to his brother Cas after it’s been deemed road-worthy. Now Jose drives a red ’99 Accord and though he misses his old girl, the power windows and A/C in the new car are much appreciated, especially by me. J My weird sickness weighed heavily on me and Jose was a total sweetheart the whole time through. He doted on me, made sure I was comfortable and offered comfort when I thought I was losing my mind over the itching. A couple of rounds of medication later and I’m feeling 100% thank goodness

My heart just keeps expanding with all the happiness I’m feeling each and every day. The love I have for Jose grows exponentially, too. There are times when I look over at him, asleep in our bed and I have to poke his face to make sure he’s real. Did I dream you? Are you really mine? What did I do to deserve you, someone so loving, caring, wonderful and nice? And then I have to shake my head and smile. These are just silly questions that have no answer. You just have to accept what this lives gives you.

Just a couple days ago, we were fooling around in bed and Jose asks me, “Why do you love me?” and I was a little stunned. I didn’t have a quick answer. I made a joke and said it’s because I thought he was the coolest, which isn’t wrong. Cool could mean a lot of things. Cool is like being perfect, without having to be perfect. Does that make sense? I countered his question and asked why does he love me?

“I don’t know. Because even when things are bad, they’re not so bad anymore because I have you” he says with a shrug.

And maybe that’s it…maybe that’s what we’re all aiming for….we just want a partner to navigate this life with, someone that will keep us safe and warm…or makes us laugh when a Prius slams into us at a busy intersection on the way home from school…or make you forget how scary seeing the doctor is when you know the diagnosis is going to suck.

These last 2 years have been fantastic, a life full of love with the coolest guy I know. The coolest co-pilot I could ever ask for. 

As long as we're together, there's no place I'd rather be...

We'll be together with a roof right over our heads...

YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

We found a place!!! 

A cute little one bedroom back-house in Highland Park for $800 with bills included. No living room really but a big kitchen and big bedroom. SO EXCITED!!!

Our deposit was handed in to our Peruvian landlords on Friday and we signed a one year lease this past Sunday. Boxes are being packed and the merging of our possessions will begin this weekend. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! I don't care that I'll be slightly broke for a couple of weeks but I'll be with my boy and I'll be sharing my life with him. I can't cook worth a shit but I'll learn for him. We'll take walks around the Rosebowl for exercise and share a wifi connection. We'll snuggle up and watch our favorite shows we downloaded illegally. Laundry dates and long Sunday mornings together. I seriously can't wait!

Pictures of the soon-to-be Casa de Saucedo...

Our huge kitchen with a hideous curtain I'm going to get rid of soon...

We're keeping the fridge...oh God we're gonna have to take a poo right next to the kitchen...oh well!

Love the color scheme of the restroom...not joking...

Jose's future throne

So much shower hanky ;) Again love the color scheme...

My boy gazing out of our bedroom window. I don't love the cement floor but we'll just have to get some dope ass rugs...

Highland Park's newest residents...

It's really happening! A new chapter in the story of us :)

Home is wherever I'm with you (reprise)....

YES!!!!!!!

Great news!!

After hours of brainstorming (mostly on my 5 hour flight from Philadelphia to LA), I finally cracked the case of how I can move in with Jose and leave my mom relatively unscathed:

If I just move some of my bills around and drop stuff I don't need, I can round up the extra $250 my mom needs to pay the rent on her own. It's simple and easy: give up cable/satellite, get a dirt cheap internet connection, stop going to the gym, reduce my IRA payment to $25 a month and continue on Jose's family cell phone plane, I have more than enough money to give my mom. I just consolidate all my bills into one big savings a month and then silently transfer that to my mom. And it's not like I'll be starving for money, these are bills I was already paying with no problem. Now I'll just have one "mom bill" a month and I'll help her out, thus feeling guilt free about living with Jose.

We presented the idea to my mom on Sunday night at the dining room table. We were both really nervous. I laid out the entire plan and showed her all the savings and how we could help her be independent whilst we progressed in our relationship. At first she was a little hesitant but as we explained it all, she seemed to agree. By the end of our conversation, she was good with our idea but made sure to let me know that she wasn't trying to ruin our plans or stand in our way.....it's just things didn't work out with her man friend, not in the way she had hoped. She also didn't want to cramp our lifestyle and the things we are used to either. I told her these things (gym, cable, etc.) are just luxuries and I don't need them at all. I need Jose and I need her to be okay. That must have been the selling point.

Sooooo....the apartment/house search is back on! Soon as I come back from Vegas early next month and get that expense out of the way (which shouldn't be bad at all), we're hitting the ground running again. I hope and pray we find something decent and affordable so that by our second anniversary, we are living together!!!

Step by step, it's all coming true!!! :D

The only heaven I'll be sent to is when I'm alone with you..

I was hoping that the more time I waited between posts, the better our news about moving in would be.....sadly, the longer I wait to post, the more grim the situation becomes.

The road to us moving in together has been paved with obstacles that are not that easy to overcome. I am trying my hardest not to be upset at my mom, but she's the main reason I cannot move out right now. Jose and I were busy filling out apartment applications. We saw several apartments in Pasadena and in Highland Park. Nobody was calling us back but we weren't discouraged. We got so close. But then one evening my mom informs me that her boyfriend is not ready to move in and take my place. In fact, he's become more distant with my mom ever since she mentioned the idea. Again, trying not to be so mad....but her boyfriend is a total loser and I'm stuck. I can't go anywhere. My mom has tried every which way to help me make this happen but her stubbornness has left her with little options. She won't move back in with my aunt, she won't find another place with her boyfriend and she has no friends to take my place so I can go. So right now, NOTHING is happening.

I feel trapped. I feel hopeless. My dream of spending my days and nights with Jose looks super far away...

We spoke about this and it just feels like I'm going in circles. Thank goodness my darling boy is so understanding and patient. He is not as deterred as I am and reassures me that he is in no rush. He said he's going to keep saving money and when it happens, it'll happen. We've entertained the idea of buying house, too which would definitely require more time and more saving up. Jose has it all planned out and he thinks it could be a reality in 3-4 years.

Being upset at my mom doesn't help. Wallowing in my own despair absolutely won't help. I've had tons of time to think about it as the summer has unfolded and I am trying REALLY HARD not to compare myself to other couples. Everyone always pesters me about when we're going to get married and have kids, and I can barely get the moving in part to become a reality. It's a lot of unnecessary pressure to progress at everyone else's level.

"Are you not happy with how things are presently? Why do you have to worry about what everyone else is doing? You'll never be happy with what you got if you're always looking for something else to do..." he says over dinner. I feel my face flush with embarrassment. He's right....I can't even look him in the eye and explain myself out of the hole I'm in. I meekly stir the ice in my drink with my straw and muster up a response...

"I am happy. I am. I am the happiest I've been....it's just...."

And I don't know why I added a "just" to the rest of that. There shouldn't be any need to qualify how good my life is now. Yes, it could be better. Yes, we could keep striving for more, but we're not in dire straits or anything. We're not in a pit of despair right now where we're clawing for a way to get out....

No....we're in a wonderful place. And life is beautiful. And I need to enjoy that because these are the best days and if I keep looking elsewhere, I'll miss it all.

Jose's signed up for 2 courses this fall at Pasadena City College and hopes to finish his degree. So even if I don't see it, things around me are changing. Not entirely sure what he wants to major in but he's got my full support. I sure don't miss studying and homework, so better him than me! :)

It’s gonna be you & me/It’s gonna be everything you’ve ever dreamed

Every two months or so, Jose has to check in with his mental health doctor and chat about how he's doing. Nowadays, he says, the visits are very brief and his doctor can tell he's very stable. The doctor casually mentioned if he would like to get his prescription refilled at a pharmacy closer to his home. Jose's been getting his meds refilled at the same pharmacy for the past five years with no problems. Once he decides to switch to a closer one, there's an issue and he can't get his pills. Thankfully, he's got enough to last him for a while but he won't be able to get another prescription for another 2 months or so. 

Though I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, I wonder what he's like when he's off his meds. Since last summer (when I found he was manic depressive & schizophrenic) he's revealed what kind of person he was when he was "sick" as he puts it. He told me he didn't sleep, would have emotional outbursts (anger and sadness), would say rude things, read the meaning into things too hard and would even become scared of coincidences or moments of déjà vu. There were even moments when he'd black out while drunk and do stupid shit to his friends that almost cost him those relationships.

He assured me things are much, much better now. He's been lucky enough to have found the right medicine early on. He confessed that sometimes he acts like what he remembers to be "normal." I asked if he ever reverts to acting "normal" around me so things stay cool but he said he always acts like himself around me. And that makes me happy. I love him unconditionally. I love him completely. His illness is only part of the patchwork that makes up who he is....I love him wholly.

***

We've been apartment and house hunting for a few weeks now. My cousin told us about a place but unfortunately the landlord only gave us the run around and we later found out he too was renting it out to his own family. A whole day wasted looking at that apartment for nothing!

Jose's been on Craigslist calling up places but nothing looks good. We finally decided to hit the pavement and drive all over Eagle Rock, Highland Park, Glassell Park and Mt.Washington....we even got as far as Pasadena looking for rentals. We were a well-oiled machine: I would call up and leave voicemails on realty office answering machines and on the cellphones of landlords while Jose hit the gas on the Civic, stopping only momentarily to creep along when he'd spot a nice building with a phone number. He'd shout the number and I would dial. We must have called like a dozen places or more!

We had two promising leads: a small apartment building with only a handful of units in Highland Park on Avenue 57. The street had parking and plenty of shade due to some huge, leafy trees. We saw a white guy come out of the building, ready to go on his jog. That made us very excited! Jose was lucky and a lady spoke to us about the price: $950! She said to call back Tuesday so we could speak to the apartment manager :D

Our second break was a nice, clean building in Eagle Rock at $1025: a spacious one-bedroom with our own parking spot,  hardwood floors and central A/C. Again, we were told to call back and speak to the on-site manager on Tuesday after the long holiday weekend. Fingers always, always crossed that we get our place soon! We are dying to move out and be together. 

Jose's dad spotted a nice home for sale in Simi Valley which is about 30 miles too far from our jobs but the price is sooooooooo nice: $175,000 for a 2 bedroom HOME. Not to rent but to own! Sadly, this is our reality here in Southern California....you stay close to work but pay outrageous rental prices. You drive outside of the city with a commute from hell, but you get a mortgage that is the equivalent to most people's monthly rent. Ughhhh. Jose's dad even offered to sell the Corvette to get a loan to help us buy a house. He said he wants the "best for us." Wow....I've only recently met Jose's dad (he was in town from Reno for Easter) but I guess I made a real good impression on him if he wants to help me and his son buy a house!

Tough decisions to make..what's the best choice when it comes to living situations?! Rent or buy?! Stay close, save gas and have our cars last a long time....or buy and spend hours every week driving to work?!

Recently, we spent the night at Jonny's. The boys got to drinking and Jose passed out in his clothes; he didn't even bother changing or brushing his teeth. I snapped a picture the next morning to remind me of what I'm shooting for: waking up to this wonderful sight every single morning! With his hair that smells like vanilla because of his pomade, fingernails he can never get clean enough because he works on cars, boxers peaking out from his jeans, his big heart-shaped back, those arms that give the best hugs....all of him. Every single bit.

I won't stop, not 'til I get what I want & all that I want is you..

More than a week ago, Jose told me that his sister had texted that she had seen an empty apartment in her building. The apartment was being cleaned up and appeared to be getting ready to go up for rent. My stomach did somersaults and I was super excited. That very same afternoon, I drove out to Eagle Rock with Jose and we tried to see if we could look at the apartment ourselves, but the apartment manager was gone and the unit was closed. I tried not to get too ahead of myself, but I could already see myself living in this quaint little building that still retained traces of its days from 1920s Los Angeles. I checked out the neighboring apartment buildings, shops, restaurants, churches, schools and businesses. Jose and I drove around Eagle Rock, talking excitedly about what our work days and weekends would be like. We left his sister Liz with the task of hunting down the landlord and asking if we could see the unit for ourselves.

Well, a week went by. No sign of the landlord. Then a few more days after that. Then Liz tells us that the landlord has promised the unit to a relative of his, which had been my fear from the beginning. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. (sigh) 

I'm a little disappointed. I had already mentioned our moving out plans to my mom once the apartment in Eagle Rock turned into a lead. I was already arranging what furniture I would take and what towels I wanted to buy. In my head, I felt it was a clear sign but my gut had doubts. 

Back to the drawing board, I suppose. Originally, my plan had been to look at apartments in the summer, with some calm and patience. No rush. No pressure. Like I told Jose, "The right apartment will find its way to us." Fingers eternally crossed.

In the meantime, I had a blast seeing Crosses with Jose and all our close pals. The music of Chino Moreno is always the best soundtrack for us.....

& oh, my dreams: it's never quite as it seems, 'cause you're a dream to me..

Tiny progress has been made towards our dream to move in together this year. I had a frank discussion with my mom about moving out, and I was surprised to find that she was quite okay with the idea. She wants to move in with her boyfriend too! In fact, once things get a little more stable later in the year, she said it would be fine if I moved out and her boyfriend moved in to take my place. Wouldn't that work out just dandy? I was delighted and a little relieved because the last time I told my mom I was moving out, she was very upset. It was no surprise she wasn't so fond of my then-boyfriend Dan and my relationship with my mother suffered because of this. It's not like Dan was a straight out asshole with me and it caused her pain....nope...she just knew he wasn't the right guy for me and didn't want me wasting my time, money and energy.

Boy, was she right? It sucks hearing your parent tell you "I told you so!"...but sometimes you need to hear it.

I am almost certain that my mom knows my relationship with Jose is VASTLY different than the one I had with Dan. I can tell by the way she acts towards Jose. Whereas before, she was very distant and critical of my boyfriends, with Jose it's a huge love fest. She likes having him around, she sees he's a positive influence and she appreciates how nice and helpful he is. He speaks to her in Spanish, he has good manners and he's a total gentleman. The kid is the total package. He's been "mom approved" for quite some time. I am glad we have her blessing.

Now if only a spot would open up at Jose's sister's building in Eagle Rock (uh hello: $725 for a gorgeous studio in a fab neighborhood!), we would be all set....I hope and pray that we know something by August or September. Jose has started checking listings on Craig's List but nothing has really caught our eyes. Oh well. The search continues.

We had a bit of a slip up a few weeks ago. After my grandmother's huge 99th birthday party, Jose and I decided to go off and have our own after-party at Jonny's house. We drank a lot. Jose must have had like 8 or 9 beers and I took three shots of Black Label whiskey in a row. I wasn't drunk but caught a nice buzz. Jose was drunk as shit and when bed time came, well.....we didn't exactly sleep. We decided to have sex and our brains might have been a little foggy. Needless to say, the condom slipped off. Completely. INSIDE OF ME. And there we were fumbling in the dark, half drunk and half asleep...and all I could slur was, "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay...don't worry." Well, we forgot about it for like half a day and then sheer panic set in. How much do you think made its way inside of me? What if Jose has super good swimmers? I mean, he's Mexican for God sake!! OH MY GOD. Monday morning, I'm worrying myself over and over. I google the nearest pharmacy that will sell me the Plan B pill. I wind up a few blocks from my house, shelling out $50 to an Indian couple from a pretty ghetto East LA clinic so I can take the "morning after" pill. I tell Jose of my plan and he's all for it "Better to pay 50 bucks now cuz kids are really expensive, ya know?" he says over text. Oh yeah. I know. I know. I know.

Then comes the waiting game. My period was 5 days late, thank you very much. SHIT!!!!!!! That was 5 full days of grieving my easy-breezy-casual life of movies and dinner dates with Jose. I thought for sure, "IT'S OVER. DONE. I'M FUCKING PREGNANT. THE PILL DID NOTHING." There went the plan to find the perfect apartment. Of being engaged at our own pace. Of being married. Of being happy newlyweds without the stress of children and moving too fast. That's it, I thought, it's ruined. I'm knocked up and all my plans have gone to hell.. Mental torture. 5 days full of it. And then my period finally decides to show. And I fist pumped on the toilet.

And that's how I know, I am NOT ready to be a parent because the idea of having a baby induced nothing but worry and disappointment. It's not part of my plan right now. I got a bunch of other stuff I feel I need to do first with Jose. My life plan is very important to me and now that I have my dream guy, I want the rest of my dream to come true just the way I want it. I would not want my future children to be accidents or the consequence of my stupidity. We still got a ways to go.

I won't share you, no...I won't share you....

Valentines Day weekend lasted about 5 days thanks to the Presidents Day holiday falling on Monday. Jose and I made it last from Thursday afternoon all the way till Monday night....

Some highlights:
He stopped by my work on the 13th with orchids in hand and we had Mexican food at a stand a few blocks from my office. Orchids are my favorite and he knows it. Pre-Valentines Day went well and I was ready for the mushiness of the following day.

On the 14th, I drove to his place and thankfully no one was home except for his mom who kissed me hello and then disappeared a few minutes after I arrived.

(Things between Jose and his mom Connie have been kind of tense. A few weeks ago, Connie told Jose she was NOT going to break up with her prison boyfriend despite all the legal troubles. This made Jose very upset and he stopped talking to her for like a week. Jose was also very worried that his mom's prison boyfriend would get his friends to start sniffing around their apartment and maybe relay messages to her....or worse. I texted Jose that he had all the right in the world to be afraid and perhaps he should consider moving his siblings somewhere else to avoid ex-convicts from showing up at his place. Well, Jose being Jose used my text conversation as part of his argument with his mom. He thought I had explained the situation clearly and wanted his mom to understand how worried we all were. Well, Connie then tells Jose I'm "putting ideas" in his head. Oh please. Me? I'm not the one that listens to my jailhouse boyfriend and then gets myself ARRESTED FOR DRUG POSSESSION. I kept my distance for a few days but recently Connie has been nice and things have gone *seemingly* back to normal. I think she knows that if the rest of the kids find out she still plans to stay with her jailbird, everyone will turn against her. She knows me and Jose are the ONLY ones who know and would be screwed if we told on her; so it would benefit her to be nice)

But yes, the 14th was pleasant. I gave Jose a Lakers shirt with Kobe Bryant's name and team number on it plus some "manly" chocolates :) He loved the shirt and put it on right away, as he usually does lol. He played me my Valentines song on the guitar, which this year was "I Won't Share You" by the Smiths.



He might not be the greatest singer in the world, but his guitar playing is so good. No lessons! He just plays by ear and he picks up on songs so easy. He also got me a cute card with a picture of a sleeping kitten on it. We ordered pizza and watched "Oblivion" on HBO, without any interruptions or crying babies. Surprisingly, the house was empty for once and we had a great time cuddling and talking over the movie, as we often do :D

Fireworks came on the 15th. He came over to my house, which was also empty for once and we spent the afternoon having sex followed by dinner at The Hat. Jose can eat meat now so of course he tried the pastrami, which is to die for....yummmmy. We capped off the night at Jonny's house with some beers and Netflix.

We've been talking more about moving in together as he is getting very frustrated with his home situation. On top of the fact that his mom refuses to leave the side of her prison boyfriend, he can't stand how flippant she is about things. She lets his sister Stephanie's boyfriend (*ahem* baby daddy) drive Jose's car without insurance to go pick up food. She forgets to check the water levels on the Civic and fries the engine, which then Jose has to spend weeks fixing. And then last night, she leaves his nephew's scooter in the parking spot and he backs into it, breaking a tail light. There he is to the rescue again, buying a new tail light and fixing the car. Jose's so nice to let Connie borrow the Civic for work because it's fuel efficient and she needs to save up for her own car, but she's always abusing his kindness. He loves that car and is proud that he's resurrected and renovated it from inside to out, so why does she insist on being so careless with it?

Oh and don't get me started on the messy siblings. He shares a room with his brothers who are always wrecking the room and not cleaning up after themselves. Jose spends the better half of his time when I come over muttering about how inconsiderate they are and throwing out empty pizza boxes and soda bottles. He says he tells them to clean up but they don't listen. And then there are his sisters who never vacuum, leave trails of hair on the carpet and leave a mess in the bathroom whenever they decide to fix themselves up for the night. Stephanie's baby son and Liz's 4 year old son are perpetually there (Liz doesn't even live here but dumps Tito off at grandma's house whatever chance she gets). Baby Sean is always crying and Tito the brat is always hogging the TV. Though they're both adorable, it gets a little old after a while to feel like I'm sitting at a day care center just so I can see my boyfriend. It's aggravating for Jose and irritating for me. I just wish I could take him away from that mad house and bring him somewhere quiet and clean. Don't get me wrong, Jose's family is very sweet and kind...but they can be so clueless sometimes, it drives me nuts. Ughhh! I know, I know...when we get married they're gonna become my family, too.....I hope I can become more patient and they can become more self-aware.

We talked seriously the other day over what city we'd want to move to. Thankfully, Jose brought it up so I didn't feel like I was pressuring him. We decided Eagle Rock would be our best bet. It's an up and coming neighborhood in LA with Hispanic and hipster flavors. It would be very close to my work and my mom's house, and same for him. And then a few weeks ago, we were walking around Costco and we stopped at the jewelry section. Again, I didn't steer us over to the engagement rings....he did :D I didn't want to seem overly excited, so I casually told him that price shouldn't be a deciding factor on whether or not he wants to get engaged. I don't need a ring in the 4 digit price range....3 digits is just fine. I'm not J-Lo or Kim Kardashian, I don't need a 4 karat canary diamond ring or anything. Maybe half of a half a karat? :D...0.22 karats even? lol  I laugh and tell him he could pull all the fillings out of his mouth and melt them down into a ring and I'd wear it happily. I turn to him as we hover over the pretty, shiny rings and say "I know your dad is a jeweler. If some jilted Reno divorceé comes in and wants to pawn her old diamond ring, I'll take it! Heck, if some shitty morons come in with grandma's ruby ring that's still warm cuz they slipped it off her dead finger, I will fucking take it!" Jose laughs and nods. "Ok. What about an onion ring?" he asks and raises an eyebrow, "Will you take an onion ring?" lol lol

Yeah, sure. Why not? lol

Life is headed in a great direction. I simultaneously want things to hurry up but I want it to go slow, too. My heart keeps expanding with all the love I feel for him. Exciting times!!!!!

& I'm beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head...

Is there something like, crazy in the air today?

Been contacted by two ex-"whatever you wanna call them" in the span of a few hours. Both kind of out of nowhere, but isn't that always how it goes? Nothing like this ever comes expected. Always out of left field.

Rob texted me after well over a year of silence. I had not heard from him since September 2012 and good riddance. I was tired of participating in his stupid "help me cheat on my girlfriend" reindeer games that left me feeling exhausted, unwanted and cheap. I deserved those feelings, yes. And he deserved to be rudely dismissed! I thought he hated me and was satisfied to never speak to me again.

But then this....

Me thinks he was sniffing around. Inevitably he asked how were things with me and I said fabulous. I told the truth because the truth is MARVELOUS. My life needs no embellishment. I have a great boyfriend. My career is good. I'm going to fucking Australia in a few weeks. It's all roses! I don't think he was expecting such an answer because he immediately retreated. He told me he and the girl he cheated on are still going at it, been living together for almost a year. His music-teacher career is going well and he's lost 70 lbs. Yeah, he even mentioned he was at the gym. OMG barf. After praising me on my success, he wished me well and cut the conversation short. And you know what, GOOD. Under no circumstances do I even want to talk to him unless I am smashing his face into how good I have it. 

"I'm not trying to give my life meaning

by demeaning you

and I would like to state for the record

I did everything that I could do

I'm not saying that I'm a saint

I just don't want to live that way

no, I will never be a saint

but I will always say:

squint your eyes and look closer

I'm not between you and your ambition..."

And then round two. Ryan. Oh yeahhhhh. That Ryan. The one and only.

Our conversations post-separation have been much more pleasant and we have remained distant allies. We never had a nasty "break up" or a Facebook unfriending. We just kinda went our separate ways with separate people. Of course, I was the one with the broken heart and he apparently had a broken spirit. Oh well. Whatever. We healed and were friendly on the internet. But today he decides to strike up a conversation and he finally admits he's dating someone, which I remember alluding to in a Facebook comment. Oh yeah cuz now I finally exist to him in FB-land...

It was so surreal having a conversation with him about our significant others. He tells me how whipped he is over her and how they've both lost "cool" points over one another, presumably because they dote on each other. I can tell he likes her. I see pictures of them on Instagram and they seem delighted. And I am so glad to see that. That's how I know I truly am over him. Seeing him with a new girl actually makes me smile. 

I tell him about Jose and how much I love him, and none of that is weird. Ryan gets it and tells me he regrets being so wayward when we were together. This isn't the first time he's said this, but it's the first time I think I actually believe him. I thought maybe before it was just him feeling guilty or sad over breaking my heart. But now I think it's because it's so clear we have both moved on completely. It doesn't feel wrong. It feels like a real apology that I can now accept because my wounds are healed and he's out of my heart. No remorse. Just happy.

Hooray indeed.

Jose came over today and I was just reminded how good I have it. I have it all. We ate burgers from my favorite spot and watched a marathon of Girls, season 2. I love to hear him laugh. He laughs so hard! There was a point where I was talking about how I had switched to a new shampoo and he ran his fingers through my hair. He twirled a couple of strands and said: "If I have a girl, I hope she gets your hair."

I am so lucky. I feel it all around. :)

Baby, do you dare to do this? Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse...

Happy New Year!!!

My 2014 started off with a couple of bangs.

Jose's New Years resolution from 2012 came to an end and he's no longer a vegetarian. It wasn't really much of a resolution as it was a bet among friends that he couldn't do it for 3 months. Well, 3 months turned into 2 years and on New Year's, we had T-bone steaks to celebrate his return to carnivore life. DELICIOUS! He cleaned his plate and mine :)

He's gotten a second job working part time at his friend Rocky's auto mechanic shop. He hopes to start phasing the Pep Boys stuff out and make the shop job his main gig. Right now he's just doing basic tune up stuff and I'm actually taking my car into his shop on Saturday for a break job. Second job means a little bit of money on the side, which is nice. He told me he's been saving up for our place. I asked if his family will be okay with him moving out this year, to which he told me that he doesn't think we'll be moving out anytime soon.

Well, that felt like a punch in the gut.

Neither one of us is very aggressive or confrontational, so our "fights" are always painfully understated. I stayed quiet and kinda slumped in my seat. I think he could feel the disappointment radiating from the passenger seat of the car. We we were happy and civil for the rest of the night but by the time he dropped me off at my house, I wasn't in the happiest mood. Especially when I tried to kiss him goodnight and he tells me he doesn't like it when I put my hand on the back of his head. He could have told me he hates water colors or the sound of baby kittens purring, and my reaction would have been the same. (SNAP) I immaturely stormed out of his car and went to bed. Hooray. We spent the first 12 hours of the new year mad at each other. By the afternoon, we hashed it out. He told me he was bothered by my silence over not being able to move out soon. I told him he was right and there was no point arguing over it. We both have to be ready. I apologized for being rude and walking out on him. All was well...

And then tonight, seemingly out of nowhere he asks:

A lot of friends around us are having babies and shacking up together (including his own sister!), so I think he feels the pressure to try and keep up or somehow fulfill a need I have. Lord knows, I do want those things but not in that order. I reiterate that this is the hand we've been dealt with and we need to do things on our own timeline. Nothing bad has happened and we gotta keep going in our own way, no on else's. We closed the subject and said goodnight.

I can tell he wants to do right by me and that he thinks carefully about our future life together. No matter what, I know this is going to be a great year for us. Even better than the last :)