Your love is king...crown you with my heart

I love him more than yesterday...but not as much as I'm going to love him tomorrow....

Am I living in some corny romantic comedy? Maybe. But I'm insanely happy and that's all that matters. A shit ton of nonsense could come raining down at me at work, yet I've got a stupid grin on my face. I've never felt this way for this long...at times, it's a little scary.

There are deep, dark moments that cloud my brain like an evil shadow.

"How long before you fuck it up? How long before you say the wrong thing? Hurt his feelings? Or start noticing other guys and try to sleep with them? How long before you remember what it's like to hold a grudge? How long before you go back to letting your soul fester?"

It's as if my old life...my "old life" that isn't really that old, from about a few months ago, will resurface somehow. But I've grown haven't I? I've given that up? I'm....cured? I've moved past meaningless sex.

This isn't like being an addict. Right? Like, there's no relapse...I won't go back to craving being miserable, alone and empty, will I?

One can only hope.

I mean, I had fun back then and I don't regret much...but anything before I started feeling this grounded seems like a nightmare. A bad dream. Very, very bad dream.

I'm positive I know what I want. And I'll fight to keep it.

***

We had an intense talk the other day about sex, decisions and the future...

The talk continued and it even spilled into last night, as I was dropping him off from karaoke. We're on the same page about contraception and how we want the future to play out. I told him no babies until I'm married, which he agreed with 100 percent. We have so much other stuff to worry about before that. Having children isn't even an option right now. I'm having too much fun just being with him. He reassured me that I can talk to him about anything and he's always willing to hear me out. We're wrapped up in the lovey-dovey mushiness yes, but we're clear-headed enough to make rational choices and know what's in our best interest at the moment.

Gah, he's wonderful. And he's all mine.

Let's go all the way tonight: no regrets, just love

More milestones.

Third base achieved both on Tuesday and Thursday. He went first and I took the second night. It's weird, when I don't really fully care about a guy or I'm just treating him like a piece of meat, I don't mind divulging every single, naughty detail. But I've noticed when I have real feelings for a guy, I feel the need to be less descriptive. I feel almost...shy? I'm a little protective and slightly embarrassed to say anything more about our time in the front seat of his Corvette. I will say that Jose is a good listener (hah!), eager and he has uhm....the right size equipment to get the job done. As I told him on Thursday, a particularly sweaty encounter, I feel he and I are going to have ourselves a very, verrrry good time.

I tried not to over-think about us finally having sex. So when it happened all of a sudden this past Saturday, both of us were pleasantly surprised. We hadn't anguished over it too much, though I was starting to go a little sex stir-crazy. Jose had been incredibly restrained about the whole thing. Even when we had the house all to ourselves, he hesitated. He kept making excuses even he knew sounded dumb. "But-but your hair! And your makeup...I don't wanna mess that up..." he stammers but I'm already playing with the buttons of his shirt. He's sooo adorable. I love how nervous I make him. He says he didn't bring any condoms. I tell him I have some in my night stand. He worries my mom will come home any minute. I reply that she won't be home for hours. He shakes his head and avoids eye contact, "No babe..." he starts but I look up at him and smile, "You don't want to anymore?" I flirt. He blushes and says of course he does, all the time. "Well?" I counter and gesture at the bedroom. I hate having to be such so pushy, but I'm tired of waiting and now the need and desire has become too much. He's run out of excuses and he knows it. Jose smiles, "Okay."

It was a bit of an ambush, yes...but worth it.

Our first time was good. Always room for improvement and I know that every time after that will be better than the last. It was sweaty, nervous, a little clumsy but sweet. He had confessed it had been almost double-digit years since he had been with a girl, but wouldn't divulge any more details. I was frank when I told him it had NOT been that long for me. I also wasn't going to describe anything further.

We finished. Got dressed and high-fived each other on the drive to our friend Gretel's graduation party. We finally had sex and it felt great. We stepped into that party a more grown-up couple. We were closer than ever. As he put it, "We made love." That's some real shit right there....

He picked up his friend Johnny's guitar and played "Jealous Guy" by John Lennon for me:

He said he'll learn The Beatles "And I Love Her" on guitar so he can play it for me :D

A few things he has said that night at the party that should scare me but don't....

* He asked me if I've thought about what our future is going to look like. When I kinda balked at giving a straight answer, he rescued me by teasing that I probably already had our kids names picked out. I started laughing and he was all, "Just tell me their names! What are their names?!" I jokingly brought it up again and I gave him a real answer. I told him that for a long time I've like the name Layla Marie for a girl... or Gregory Patrick if it's a boy. He said he liked those names. No hesitation. No fear in his eyes.

* I told him I have a high threshold for pain and he asked if I could carry triplets. I didn't even know what to say and made a crack about my wide birthing hips. He smiled and reminded me that his mom had two sets of twins and that his great grandma pushed out quadruplets. Yikes.

* I was blathering something about my hair and how I had styled it for the party. Jose touches my ponytail and  remarks, "If we ever get married, you should have your hair in a ponytail on our wedding day. Like the day I met you." I raise an eyebrow and make sure he's not drunk. Nope. Sober. "So no up-do? Not worn down or in curls or waves?" I ask with amusement in my eyes. He shakes his head, "Nope. Ponytail or nothing."

* I remark that I've only ever had my own room ONCE in my entire life, when I lived with roommates in an apartment during college. He jokes that when he and I move in together, I'll make him sleep on the couch just so I can have my own room. I kiss him and tell him I'd never kick him out.

Moving in together? Marriage? Kids? Even I was choking on my drink. But only slightly. Any other time, I might be running for the hills or calling this guy a stalker. But where we're at now, it doesn't seem like a pipe dream or some far-off fantasy. It doesn't sound far-fetched. It's the honeymoon phase and everything is just washed in prettiness and rainbows. How serious can you really take it? How much is just head over heels in love talk?

How soon could you really know?

Placed inside, safe & sound. Shapes & colors are all I see

Truly, truly, truly....this is so addicting...

I feel like singing. All the time. Silly right?

My gut reaction is to scream at the top of my lungs.
From happiness.
For happiness.
Because of happiness.

I want to belt out that I am ridiculously happy. I've had a smile plastered on my face for days and days.

Throw my arms up into the air. Go to the top of my building at work and shout it from the roof.

"I'M IN LOVE! I'M IN LOVE! I'M FUCKING IN LOVE!!!!"

It happened Saturday. Not how I pictured it would happen. In fact, I really hadn't even thought that far ahead, but I figured I couldn't get past Christmas, much less New Year's Eve without saying it.

My company's holiday party was fun and Jose got to meet the whole cast of characters that make up my work life. Everyone kept commenting that we made a cute couple and my boss even told me that he thought Jose and I make a nice match. I was beaming.

We met up with my best friend Lauren, her friend Jonathan and Jose's best friend Johnny at a whiskey bar around the corner. My other gal pals joined and a few of my work friends filtered through as well. It was a great night and I got to see Jose shit-faced for the first time. Most of the time, he's quiet and tends to let everyone else have the spotlight. On Saturday night, he was the opposite. He was talkative, giddy and laughing a bunch. He was also PDA crazy and spent a large portion of the night playing with my hair and kissing me shamelessly in front of my friends. At one point, we even convinced him to kiss Johnny hahaha. I didn't get a video of the infamous smooch but I did get some of Jose taking a shot he didn't want:

Anyway, as it was nearing 1 am, we left the bar to grab food and were met with rain showers. The streets were slick and the boys were slip sliding their drunken selves across the Pasadena sidewalks. The bouncers and a couple of the patrons outside were chuckling as I tried to wrangle my boyfriend and his equally drunk best friend. Jose wraps an arm around my shoulder and hangs on as I steer him towards the King Taco. He smiles and mumbles loud enough so only I can hear, "Babe....I love you!" I'm instantly stunned. This is drunk talk. This doesn't mean anything. He won't remember in the morning. I should have thought of something more diplomatic to say but I just blurted it out, almost out of reflex: "I love you too!" I say quickly and hope I don't sound like I'm lying.

Because I'm not lying. If I didn't feel it, my instinct should have been to say something like "I care about you too" or "Thank you" (wait, that's kinda mean...glad I didn't say it haha!)

I wrestled with the idea of being in love with Jose for the rest of the night. As my friends chomped down on tacos, I thought about it. As I hobbled with drunken Jose and Johnny to find our cars in the maze-like parking structure, I thought about it. As I drove home with Jose slumped in my passenger side, moaning that he'd never drink again (sure) and lamenting the fact that he had a huge boner...yeah even then I couldn't stop thinking about it. I rubbed his head and told him it'd be okay, that I'd get him home soon. I thought and thought, nervously biting my nails and hoping this stupid rain would let up soon. I hate driving in the rain. But I'll do it for him. Because I want him home safe. Because I care about him deeply. Because....I guess I do love the silly boy. There is no timeline, there is no set "date." We all come to this realization on our own. I suppose Jose's drunken escapade made me come to the conclusion faster. I got a push in the most unlikely way. I love this guy, more than I fully comprehend.

We talked about it the next morning and Jose tells me that indeed he was high on liquid courage but that he meant every word. He loves me and wanted the cat outta the bag finally. I told him I love him too and that I was sure of it. Honest.

My heart is full. He's filled in all the little cracks and then some. I haven't been in love romantically in nearly 3 years. It might seem like we're moving too fast, but I say fuck that.

Jose and I make our own time.

I swear the whole world could feel my heartbeat

Time flies when you're having fun....

I swear, I haven't been this happy in years. I can't even begin to describe it all. I feel I say that every time I want to describe Jose to someone. How can I put it into words? How can I explain the way I feel about him? He fits in my life so perfectly. There is no struggle. There is no fight. There is no grief. All there is....is laughter. Understanding. Respect. He makes my heart race. He makes me smile. He's my biggest supporter. He's all the things I was looking for in a partner. And as I said to him on Saturday night, all I want to do is make him happy in return. I want to be better for him. He and I have all the potential in the world to grow into something beautiful. It's so wonderfully strange to see myself in a couple. I haven't been a girlfriend in ages. It feels fantastic. It feels right. Any dark and lonely feelings evaporated the moment he stumbled into my life. I could go on and keep being corny....but I think you know. This feels so real and so right.

I met his mother Connie on Saturday night. She was a delight and later told Jose I was pretty and have a great personality. I was beaming. Next up: gotta meet his 5 siblings. Yikes. 

Jose has hung out with my close girlfriends a few times now and all parties seem to like each other. I met his friend Joey a few weeks ago but his best friend Jonny I didn't meet formally until last week. We hung out at the Deftones show and I got a good vibe from him. I really want Jose's friends to like me, so I'll just do what I do best and just be myself.

Things are moving right along. Jose is my plus one at my company's Christmas party this upcoming Saturday. I think my boss is gonna like him :) As for my mother, Jose got a bit of an icy welcome at first but my mom warmed up to him a little on Thanksgiving weekend. I really want her to get used to the idea of him and hopefully tolerate him. She doesn't have to love him....just like him enough.

We have broached the subject of sex and intimacy. Both of us are ready to take it to the next level, we just don't know when that will be. Soon, we both hope. We'll know when it'll be the right time. In the meantime though, the make out sessions have been intense. My desire for him has been gradual. I'm hitting an all time peak nowadays haha....

He said something wonderful to me the other night. He said, "I'm not going anywhere."

No one has ever said that to me. The promise that he's going to stick around. That he's willing to put the time in. I'm so used to guys getting up and leaving me. All my life I feel like I've been chasing after boys, begging them to just please stay a little longer. It feels good to know he's mine, that he's not leaving. 

It feels great to know that someone thinks I'm worth their time and effort. I am validated. I am secure.

But most of all, I am truly happy. I said that right? HAPPY :D

I wanna tell the world about you just so they can get jealous

Pop the champagne. Ring the bell. Clap your hands and throw the confetti.

It happened last night.

Jose asked me to be his girlfriend, after a month of dating, after countless text messages, phone calls and so many well-placed kisses. Quietly, he swept me off my feet.

I am truly happy. No joke. No lie. The air I breathe seems clearer. My mind is so at ease.

I fear nothing and no one.

I look to the future, hopeful and unflinching.

With Jose at my side, I know I can develop something meaningful and heartfelt. I know we can do great things together. I know we can turn this wonderful little romance into something amazing, that is bigger than both of us.

My heart has been soaring.

***

We met up for movies and dinner, no big deal. I had already told my friends I was determined to "DTR" or define the relationship. The hook ups, one night stands and flirtation had to end. I wasn't going anywhere, except further into the abyss or faster into having my heart stomped on. The lightning bolt affair of love and wonderment that was Jay snapped me into focus. Second chances mean everything.

Jose was there....primed and ready to be my one and only. There he was, sitting in his cute Corvette with a huge grin on his face.

Holding hands all during the movie. Kissing in the car. Smiling just because. Dinner at Dino's. Coffee at Starbucks. Finally, I can't chicken out anymore. I won't. I ask him what his intentions are: is he interested in a relationship with me? Because I want one with him....and then I just start outlining my intentions. I need him to hear me out.

And he's just looking at me with those big, round dark eyes. His eyebrow cocked. His mouth slightly agape. He searches my face for clues. I'm talking and he's just staring at me, digesting every word that I'm saying. When I finish, my face is blazing hot. My cheeks are burning and my heart is slamming in my chest. I look down at the table and fiddle with my napkin. 

"So uh...yeah....that's how I feel...and though I haven't always been the most traditional, I'm going to be old-fashioned right now...I can't ask...you.." and my words trail. I muster the courage to stare back into those huge brown eyes, perfectly framed in his glasses. 

His turn to speak....and he nods his head and confesses that he's sometimes wondered what I was thinking. 

"I'd be at home and think to myself....wait, are we together?" and he breaks into his signature Jose laugh. It breaks the tension and I laugh, too. But he keeps us on course. His eyes flicker and in a voice barely above a whisper...while I'm looking away....he asks:

"So do you want to be my girl?"

The weight of the last three years is gone. In an instant.

"Yes! Yes! I would love to be your girlfriend! Yes! Yes!"

And the rest is a blur. A happy, beautiful blur. We finish our coffees. We sit in his car listening to music. We try in vain to update our Facebook status to "in a relationship." We kiss passionately, harder and more intense than we ever had before. The air is electric. I feel his lips brush past my collar bone and it's like all of me is sighing at once. I grip the collar of his shirt and slide my fingertips across his chest. The lesser me would have pawed at him and begged him to let me blow him. But I'm on another level. A higher state of mind. Jose is not that kind of guy. He traces his mouth across my ears and pushes my hair away from my neck to get better access. I feel him touch my dangly heart-shaped earrings. I feel a warm shiver. When I pull away, panting, my eyes begging for more he just looks back at me in the dark with steady eyes. This is as far as we can go right now. All in due time.

"Uh oh. Look at your back windshield. All fogged up" I murmur as I plant a kiss on his forehead.

"Look what you've done!" he whispers loudly in mock anger. And we laugh, like always.

This isn't the end of this blog. This is just a new chapter. A new voyage. A new space inside of my heart. I want to catalog it. I want to cherish it. But most of all, I want to grow with it.

I want to change in a positive way for Jose. I want to learn from him. And I want us to flourish.

I want to be all he deserves.

He deserves it. And so do I.

'Cause blue eyes you're the secret I keep....

The domino effect of everything going wrong started Friday night, the night Jose was finally supposed to meet my mom.  The poor boy got massively lost and my mom was no help. She thought it would be better to loudly berate me for giving Jose bad directions, when in reality he was working off of his GPS. I gave up when he announced he was somewhere on the 5 Freeway. My mom dismissed the idea of meeting him and told me he should just drive home. It took everything in me not to toss my phone at her. I could already feel her resisting the idea of a new boy in my life. She squashed what little hope I had that she'd actually give the kid a chance.

Jose, needless to say, was supremely bummed. Not only did he already start off on the bad foot with my mom but he had lost his chance to see me before my trip. I reassured him there'd be plenty of chances to see me when I got back and that he still had many opportunities to make a good first impression on my mom.

***

I had no idea the magnitude Hurricane Sandy would turn out to be...Jose texted his concern:

The Deftones reference there at the end was cute. I was excited to see them....if only I could have known what was in store for me and Jay and the concert on Tuesday....

I landed in Newark, NJ last Saturday afternoon. As predicted, Terry and I were perfect on text message. He showed up to pick me up and we had pizza at a local place in Staten Island. We checked into my hotel and made ourselves comfortable on the huge king-sized bed with all the comfy pillows. ESPN was the channel of choice and it served as an adequate soundtrack as we started making out. I blew him and he came so easily. We fucked and then put our clothes back on (Terry doesn't like to be nude) to watch the rest of the sports news and listen to the howling wind of the approaching hurricane. By the end of the night, I was sick of the local news and wished I had never planned this stupid trip. Terry spent the night and then left for work the next morning. Here's one I snapped before he had to go...

I entertained myself the next day by texting Jose and dreaming that I wasn't 3,000 miles away. Did I feel guilty? Yeah, sooo much. By the time Terry returned that evening on Sunday, I had no desire to let him fuck me. I blew him with  amazing precision and delighted in how adorable he sounded as he came. His voice must've gone up like 8 octaves hahaha! Anyway, Terry showed his true colors and announced he'd have to leave me for the night. He had a hockey game in New Jersey and insisted I call Jay in early to replace him. I grimaced at the thought of having Jay get too wrapped up in me ahead of schedule but the screaming and whistling of the wind outside convinced me that I needed company. I agreed and hit Jay up. He scrambled to get his stuff ready and was at my hotel within 2 hours.

AND THANK GOD. Thank God Almighty for Jason Matthew Hunt. Thank you, thank you God and Jesus and all the Saints in Heaven. THANK YOU. 

As much as I resisted Jay all these years and particularly these last few months, I knew he'd eventually prove himself to be a worthy ally if given the right situation. I knew he was waiting for a moment to shine. Last August, he demonstrated he was an amazing lover. He sexed me and he made my brain mush. This October, he swooped in and was my hero. He was the Kevin Costner to my Whitney Houston (The Bodyguard? Come on!) Jay played the role of leader, savior and hurricane-fighter so well. He single-handedly saved my already ruined vacation.

So yeah, Sunday night he shows up at the door of my hotel room with a gym bag and lust burning in those perfect blue eyes. Jose was leagues away from my mind as Jay wraps me up in a tight hug and kisses me hard. We fuck for hours as hurricane coverage flickers on the screen of the TV. Every time I hear the wind rattle my windows, Jay is there to hold me close and tell me it's okay. The next morning, after another amazing fuck, he orders me to pack an overnight bag and we "evacuate" the hotel. He has a bad feeling as to the Holiday Inn's proximity to the ocean. We awkwardly set up camp in his bedroom and I force a smile at his lesbian mother. I meet his grandfather, too and both his dogs. We're all going to get really well acquainted.

The hurricane strikes Monday night. The sound of trees whipping and the sideways rain wakes me. Jay feels me stir and assures me it's okay. He wraps his arm around me and I sleep. The next morning, New York and New Jersey are devastated. My hotel is without power or hot water, as Jay predicted. Downed power lines. Trees uprooted. Water flooding main streets. No electricity. Chaos. The National Guard is called in. And we watch the TV cycle with bad news for hours. 

Jay and I entertain ourselves by watching movies on his lap top, listening to music (mostly Deftones) and talking about every topic you can imagine. I tell him about my budding relationship with Jose. I can already hear the hint of jealousy in his voice. But it doesn't last long. As I confess my feelings of guilt, Jay is already kissing me on the corner of my lips. "You're so beautiful. I love your big, brown eyes" he whispers and I can't resist him any longer. I didn't resist him for days. The Deftones concert was cancelled and so was my flight home. He kept the tickets and promised to go when the show would be rescheduled. He never stopped wooing me, making me fall deeper under his spell. He called me ideal "wifey" material and that if the courthouses weren't closed because of the storm, he'd ask me to marry him. I drank it all in like it was wine. Like it was sweet poison for my heart. And he made me feel so warm and secure. I was cared for. I was coddled. He made home-cooked Italian meals since we couldn't go to a real restaurant. The tastiest pasta dish and juicy steaks the next day and I washed all the dishes. We handed out candy to the few tricker treaters that came to ring the doorbell on Halloween. We were playing house in the wake of the nastiest storm in almost a century. We even showered together when his mom would leave for work. He made me laugh to cheer me up about being stranded in New York. We sang along to rap music (Rick Ross, Drake, Kanye) in his Honda Civic. He'd kiss me every single chance he'd get. He'd dote on me. It was like sexual Stockholm Syndrome. I was the happiest indentured sex slave in the history of Staten Island!!

I was falling for him. And he had already fallen for me. Weeks ago.

All the while I'm giving one sentence answers to Jose via text. "Yes, I'm fine. I miss you too!". The cell service is terrible. Terry and I feel the blade swinging across our necks as Jay gets closer to me, as he raises an eyebrow to all of Terry's cryptic Facebook comments and posts.

Thursday afternoon, my last full day in Staten Island, we help clean out our friend Casey's basement. It had flooded during the hurricane. I got to see all my old friends and they all took a shine to seeing Jay and I as a sort-of couple. That night we celebrate the return of electricity to the island with a meal at Chili's, our first meal outside of his home. It's a bittersweet occasion as we both know I'm leaving the next day. Date night with Jay went splendidly and we talked so much. That night, we lay in bed together. I don't even know what we're talking about when suddenly he looks up at me and asks, "You love me don't you?"

And then it all stops. Time freezes. The Earth stands still. It's one of THOSE moments. I can't keep resisting.

"Yes." My voice quivers. I can feel tears. It's a deep affection. A feeling of gratitude. It's not the shit in love songs or romantic comedies. It's a respect. It's a love you can't fall out of.

"I love you, too" he says and he kisses me on my forehead. And the sex is amazing. I won't recount all the dirty (and amazing) things he whispers to me. Those I'll keep for myself. Those are just for me.

I have to break the spell, though. He has a right to know. With every second that ticks by as we get ready for bed, I know I have to tell him about Terry. And maybe it was stupid timing, but I blurted it out.

We then spent the next 3 hours arguing, going back and forth and forcing me to explain myself. He says he has half a mind to kick me out of his house and tell Terry to come get me. I was emotionally drained by the time it was all over. All I could tell him that this stupid hurricane changed everything. Whereas before, Jay had just been another hook-up...he had proved himself to be so much more in my life. And I was sorry. And I apologized for all of it, for all the back-stabbing. And I told him that it was Terry, not me, who wanted to come clean from the beginning. The betrayal hurt Jay so much...but he was glad I was finally honest. He would deal with Terry later. And for the first time in 6 nights together, we slept apart. We were on the same mattress, but felt miles away from each other.

The next morning I pack for my flight home. We talk some more and things settle. The love we feel for one another supersedes all the nonsense with Terry. There is no comparison. Jay goes back to kissing me and we have sex one last time. I miss him and I haven't even left yet.

We get to the airport and my flight's been pushed back another hour. We sit around and talk some more, mostly about how we're going to miss each other even more now. I blow him in the front seat and unexpectedly  he finishes in my mouth. He had never before finished with a girl solely with a blowjob. He had once said he felt I'd be the first girl to make it happen. That if he ever did finish in a girl's mouth with none of his help, he'd marry her. I triumphantly wipe my mouth and look him straight in those gorgeous blue eyes, "Do you remember what you said?!" I squeak excitedly. He nods and laughs, offering me a high-five. That's one way to kill time at an airport, with a monumental blowjob that has us both wondering what it means. "Maybe it's the thrill of getting caught?" he muses and I laugh. I snap a few pictures before it's time to go.

Perfect movie-ending kiss at the airport. And that's it. Back to reality.

Terry and I discuss the fact that Jay knows the truth. I faced the guillotine and came out mostly unscathed. Now it's Terry's turn. And he has a lot to answer for. I apologized for ruining his friendship with Jay. At least the lying could end.

Jose and I reunited two days ago and life has gone back to normal for us. Our romance is growing with every passing hour. We exchanged presents and kissed so sweetly. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to tell him the details of my harrowing trip to New York or who I spent my nights with.

Maybe this is a second chance at something special. I've seen what could be possible with Jay and what I don't want with Terry.

Jose is like a new start. Like I paused the game and now I'm back in. I'm not forced into anything with him and it's all so easy. He's good for me. As Jay put it, Jose is better than him. Not only is he not long distance or complicated, he's with me.....and he has all the chances in the world to be my boyfriend....something Jay wishes every day he could have.

I'll do my best not to squander it, blue eyes. I promise.

...but you came along and changed my mind...

So I placed my heart under lock and key 

To take some time, and take care of me 

But I turn around and you're standing here...

Oh man....wow...

Jose continually keeps knocking it out of the park. Home-run after home-run, with every text message, every phone call, every smile on his cute, chubby face...I look at him and I don't know whether I want to kiss him or slug him for not coming sooner. So this is happiness? And dammit, I deserve it. I won't back away from it.  I will bring the A-game now. I still step it up. I have GOT to be a better person, because this kid is fantastic. We could be amazing together.

Tuesday night was *supposed* to be our last date before I leave for New York City tomorrow, but we ended up caving and making a coffee date for tonight. 

Tuesday went very well. Jose abruptly got a call from his pal Joey that he'd be in town, so we had a third wheel on the "farewell" date. Burgers at Umami in Los Feliz, near my work. Joey was nice, a little rough around the edges, but not bad. He spent the better part of the night talking about his job at Shakey's and making fun of Jose, so we had some laughs. It was kinda funny seeing Jose squirm a little. At the end of the night, Jose and I kissed goodbye in my car, which prompted Joey to ask if he could be the godfather of our future children. I snorted out a laugh, feeling the red rushing to my face, and said sure...not knowing what else to say! Fun night. 

I could sit here and rehash the hundreds of text messages he and I have exchanged over the last few weeks, but the ones from the past 3 days have said it all...in our own words...because I can't do him justice...Jose is in the white and I'm the green, obviously...

I'm mush around him, and I don't fucking care...

The airport pick up...wow...I don't know about you, but in my dating history, the airport pick up is a big deal..this is boyfriend and girlfriend type stuff...he seems totally up for it, though..

He's equally mushy. "To Have and To Hold" is a popular Depeche Mode song that our favorite band Deftones famously covered...I got the reference and I liked it :)

Jose's mom is the mother of 6 kids. He's the oldest, along with a younger sister and two sets of boy/girl twins. His parents are divorced and he was explaining to me the relationship he currently has with his father.

 I am in awe of his mother and the love Jose has for her...he's told her loads about me and shown her my picture. She likes me and thinks I'm pretty...hopefully when I meet this special lady, I'll know the right thing to say...she's raised a good son :)

HE DIDN'T BALK! HE DIDN'T BALK! HE'S AGREED TO MEET MY ORNERY BUT SOMETIMES VERY SWEET SALVADORIAN SINGLE MOM!! Whoa, dude...whoa...first the airport pick up, now this?! Let's keep going! I like it!

This kid has brought his A game to the max. He doesn't back down and where others might have cowardly changed their mind, he soldiers ahead...*golf clap*

So...he and I do this thing where we race to see who can shower the fastest. He's smoked me every single time. I don't know why we started doing it, but it's now become a nightly occurrence. I am unabashedly silly with him 

And finally, the goodnights. Jose calls me a few pet names, but "chocolate chip" is by far my favorite. I think it's because of all the beauty marks I have on my face? Whatever the reason, it keeps me smiling.

***

I massively regret making this trip to New York City. The weather is going to suck because of Hurricane Sandy. My period is looming and could strike at any minute. Terry and Jay are a huge temptation now, whereas before they were part of the reason I was going. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just want to wall myself up in my Staten Island hotel room and sleep until the Deftones concert in Manhattan. (sigh)

All I want is Jose. 

When he meets my mom tonight, I hope it goes well. She can be a bit difficult and in her eyes, no guy is good enough for her baby daughter. I haven't brought a guy around to meet her in years, mostly because there just hasn't been anyone worth meeting. But Jose is different. He's incredibly worth meeting. He's worth waiting for. He's worth keeping. 

Is it Halloween night yet?

Just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there...

I'm happy to report that this week went splendidly well and the adorable little romance between Jose and myself has not crumbled into a thousand pieces. Nothing has fizzled and he makes me very happy.

I can't get over how dear and sweet he is. I'm really not used to a guy being this nice to me. We had lunch together on Tuesday (his day off) while I was at work. We had the best conversation over veggie Whoppers, French Fries and Cokes. He picked me up in his '98 Corvette, blasting Deftones the whole way. When our little lunch date was over, he dropped me off at work and we kissed for a bit. Not gonna lie, I had butterflies the entire time. He's so genuine and down to earth. He makes me laugh. He's very engaging, very inquisitive, very truthful, honest, respectful, polite, well-mannered, sensitive, thoughtful, always excited to see me and cute as hell.

So of course I'm doing my best to fuck it up. Because deep down inside, I must think I don't deserve a guy this incredibly cool.

Ryan strikes again. He's 6 foot 1 inch, 190 lbs. of temptation. He is one giant fucking vice. He might as well be Satan. 

After not hearing from in over 5 months, I get a text out of the blue. From the moment I read the words flashing across my phone, I knew what this was. A booty call....or rather, a booty text. It only took like two movements and one sentence before he was inviting me over to smoke weed and listen to some prog metal. I hesitated....for like a second, then flew across to Echo Park like a bat out of hell. I tried to rationalize the whole thing to myself on the drive over. Jose's not my boyfriend. I'm single, for all intents and purposes. I want sex and Ryan gives it to me like nobody else. I'm already leaving in a week to New York for almost that exact same reason. This can't fail, right? RIGHT? I arrive at Ryan's and just before I walk up to his house, I read my text messages. Two from Jose: wishing me a fun night. He's out with friends. I quickly tell him we'll speak the next day, as we have a date planned the following evening. He texts a smiley face and says good night. I feel a phantom punch to my gut. I really am a horrible person. The worst. Rotten to the core. 

I try and explain my feelings of guilt to Ryan as he starts to undress me. It's stupid really, to talk to him about anything emotional. He lacks any true feelings. He acknowledges he's a supreme asshole. So I won't romanticize our night together, because I no longer feel romantic about him at all!! He's just one giant dick to me now, in both regards of the word. I used him for sex, and that's it. I didn't lay there and moon over him like I used to or drank every detail. Everything he said to me now brought me an incredible amount of annoyance. I compared him to Jose and was astounded at how shitty Ryan treats me. BUT I KNEW THIS! I KNEW THIS AND YET I KEPT COMING BACK TO HIM FOR MONTHS...fuck fuck fuck. And for what? A few minutes of hot (unprotected) sex and scandalous memories? It's not even worth it. I'd rather have my sweet text messages, tender kisses and fun dinner dates with Jose.

I stumbled home the next morning, cursing at myself for lowering my standards (again) and pissed that I had to now waste a perfectly good Plan B pill on Ryan. I was saving that for New York!! I could also feel Ryan's jizz leaking out of me on my walk of shame back to my car. Is this rock bottom yet?

I meet Jose for dinner that night around 8 pm. A shower, make-up, a hair straightener and a cute outfit works wonders and I look great, despite my sore arms and jaw. Jose's already gotten us a table at the Yardhouse. I swoop in (15 minutes late) and spot him in a booth across from the bar. He hasn't seen me yet, so I'm able to sneak up next to him and say hi. Boy, if you could see how much his face lit up. I smile and lean down to kiss him softly on the lips. And the rest was just perfect. We shared some Gardein buffalo wings and then watched Sinister. I'm a wuss for scary movies, so I was jumping the whole time. He was perfect and just held my hand. My favorite part was even before the movie started: we walked around the block holding hands, talking about everything and cracking up like dorks. He'd periodically punctuate our conversation with a kiss on the lips or a squeeze of my hand. I was floating. Oh, why the fuck am I leaving to New York on this crazy trip? I just want to stay here.

Here's one I took of us at dinner. I promise to get something better in broad daylight next time :)

At the end of the night, he walks me to my car and we make plans to see each other Tuesday, before I leave to NYC. The butterflies start up again....I can see the look on Jose's face, he knows it's coming. He stands before me, just too adorable in a red checkered flannel button up shirt and those Buddy Holly black-framed glasses. We draw closer, like magnets. I place my right hand on his face and he leans in to kiss me. Soft, sweet and warm. I pull away slightly and he gives me a quick peck on the lips, which always causes me to laugh. If I could just stay like that, my eyelashes tickling his cheek, his hands on my waist, I'd be happy.

But I've been here before. And yeah, I'm a cynic but who can blame me with my track record? Jose does deserve a chance and I'm willing to open up the walls (again) but I'm not putting all my eggs in a basket (again). My concentration right now is my liberation and it culminates with my trip to New York. I was supposed to be enjoying my freedom and not dying to get a boyfriend. 

It's true, I'm unafraid to try. I won't turn away from a great opportunity, I'm not stupid. I'll put my heart on the line....but Jose better come correct and with his A-game. Any guy can make me feel giggly like a school girl, but it takes a whole different kind of a man to be worth waiting for and make it to the other side of my sex vacation. If he stays in contact while I'm away and he's still around when I get back, then we might have an actual contender...we might have someone truly special. If it's meant to be, it'll be....no matter how much I fuck it up. There are things in this life that even stupid humans can't ruin. 

And now I know the truth: that anything could happen

Baby, I'll give you everything you need
I'll give you everything you need, oh
I'll give you everything you need
But I don't think I need you...

Behind the scenes, Terry and I have been working on the logistics of my trip while tip-toeing around the fact that he's going to be spending two nights at my hotel.

Me: you gonna spend the night on Saturday? 

Terry: sure

Me: how early would you have to work the next morning on Sunday?

Terry: Sunday i usually go in around 7

Me: okay. how nice, you'll get an early start staying at a moderately priced hotel lol lol

Terry: lol 

....

Me: you're welcome to stay another night into Monday. i'm trying not to be a chicken but yeah, i don't want to sleep alone 

Terry: lol I'm sure that will work

Me: sweet 

I know he and I are past flirting, but it's still kinda nice to maintain an air of mystery...can't say the same about Jay...

Jay: so when we sleep together when u get here ...I either want to spoon bottomless...so I can stick my dick in there easy when I get horny in the middle of the night...so if u wake up to me fucking u doggie on ur side ...don't worry

(!!!!!) Yikes.

Did he just describe a modified date rape fantasy? A little alarming what passes through the mind of your average American male. I wouldn't say he's a sex addict, just a little honest (and forthcoming) about his intentions. I'm not even scared. I've got a few filthy things on my list I'd like to cross off.

So while I'm planning the trip affectionately known as "Fuck-toberfest," something adorable happened.

At the Deftones tour opener in Ventura, I met a cute boy named Jose. I ignored him the entire time since I was talking to my friends. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed he was checking me out. A few days and a Facebook friend request later, we got to talking. It didn't take long...

Me: Did we meet in line? 

Jose: We shared a word or two I think. I know I saw you for sure I was right in front of you in line. Awesome show right?

Me: Frickin' amazing! Great way to bust open the tour. Were you wearing a black button up shirt? I'm sorry, just trying to place your face in line...

Jose: Yeah black button shirt. Trying to look fancy for Deftones!!! Lol. They rocked so hard. I was dying of sweat though. Pool of sweat!

Me: Aha! I knew it. So you were the cute one [...]

Me: Haha yeah and you were the cutey with the bad ass Ray Bans. 

....

Me: So I guess I'll see you in another 7 weeks for the Palladium show...unless you ever feel like hanging out before then  hit me up

Jose: [...] Yeah we should hang! Definitely... Maybe this weekend?

Me: This weekend is good actually. I'm not busy tomorrow night or Saturday night, so let me know what works best for you. Deftones fans are hard to find, so we all should hang out and be awesome together 

Jose: Haha yeah we are a rare breed. We should catch a flick and dinner or something. Or get a brew at this spot in downtown Burbank [...]

Me: No need to sell me on that, sounds good to me..I'm always up for drinks/brews. Tomorrow night? Or Saturday? [...]

Jose: Let's do Saturday night. Keep in touch! Deftones!!!! lol

Suddenly, I had plans...and the kid wasn't a dud. He was great at planning and had a cute sense of humor about what we should wear on our date...

The date went well last night, better than expected. I felt like I wasn't nervous at all, until we got to Fantasia and the bouncer asked why my fingers were shaking as I held up my ID. I guess I wasn't trembling from the cold...haha....

The basics: Jose is 27, a vegetarian and he lives in Burbank. He's a driver for Pep Boys (an auto parts store), so he's very knowledgeable on car repair and claims he can change my oil haha. He's of Mexican descent and is a practicing Christian. 

We made good conversation, just your standard "getting to know you" chit-chat peppered with jokes, hilarious digressions and crazy stories. We traded stories from the pit at Deftones shows and our own experiences meeting the band-members. We both have Deftones related tattoos, so that was kinda cool. He paid for all my drinks and cover charges. We watched the Silva/Bonnar UFC fight and the tail end of the Yankees/Tigers game before heading out for dessert. He convinced me to finally drink Thai iced tea with those gross tapioca balls. I drank the milky tea and he was happy to eat all the tapioca. The conversation was even better and we ended up calling it quits at midnight, only because the boba guys had to close up shop. Like a gentleman, he walked me back to my car and we shared a few soft, sweet kisses on the mouth. It was a tad awkward as he had a toothpick in his mouth (he's trying to quit smoking and this apparently helps him ease the craving), but he recovered nicely by tossing it and kissing me sweetly on the corner of my lips. I swooned all the way home. Then early this morning I see he's posted a status update about our little date:

Tonight... Tonight was good :)

I couldn't help but "like" that status. 

Okay, okay...so here's what he looks like...I couldn't find a recent picture where he was alone so I had to settle on a funny group picture...Jose is the one on the far right:

Funny boy.

Second date? Uhm....sure. He seems very, very sweet. I'll let him take the reigns, though. My hands are a little full with 13 days left till "Fuck-toberfest" so I'm not going to get all bent out of shape if I never hear from him again. Something tells me I'll see him sooner than later as we've spent most of today texting back and forth. I have the worst timing with vacations and boys, eh?

I said please don't slow me down if I'm going too fast

My new (and improved) sexual liberation partnered with my fresh perspective has kicked into overdrive. I don't know whether to continue pressing my foot on the gas and floor it.....or pump the brakes.

Vegas was uncertain. My ex-boyfriend Dan was going to be there. We exchanged texts and it seemed I had at least a sure thing with him.

But like most things with Dan nowadays, it quickly fell apart. We bickered, had a heated phone conversation, made up, pledged to at least try and have sex....but then we both made no effort. I concentrated on my drinking and he disappeared into a G-rated weekend with his parents. Oh well. I valued the extra hours of sleep I got the next morning and didn't even give him a second thought.

We all know the quirky little adage: "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" right?

Truer words were never spoken. Every time I go there, single or not, I come back with a new experience and stories I can't tell...not even here. I haven't been sworn to secrecy or anything (okay maybe I have), but I do uphold the Vegas code.

What I can say is that while I was dancing like a crazy lady at PURE, a so-so trendy nightclub on Las Vegas Boulevard, I met a really nice guy named Brandon.

He was Canadian, from 45 minutes outside of Toronto. He was in Vegas for his buddy's bachelor party. We danced a few songs and we laughed as our friends drunkenly made moves on the dancefloor with each other. Brandon had the prettiest eyes framed in nerdy glasses and the most adorable smile. He was 25 and had never been to Vegas before. I kept thinking he looked strangely familiar, like I had seen him somewhere. The thought was nagging me. Halfway through dancing (well, more like I was grinding my butt up against his crotch) to "All I Do Is Win" the light-bulb went off in my head. Brandon was the spitting image of the character Ruxin from The League. Oh God.....is that bad or good? (I really got to dial back all the basic cable I watch.) The song is over and I turn around. I gotta get this kid's number or something. Maybe we should hook up? God, he looks fresh to death with that dress shirt, unbuttoned at the top and I can see a gold necklace and a smidge of chest hair. Is that a Star of David or a cross? God, he's got a cute little butt in those slacks. I am drinking him with my eyes, devouring every detail.

He signals at me. He's gotta go. One of his buddy's is not feeling well.

"I'll be back" he yells, slightly cupping my ear. It's so loud in here. I feel my smile fading.

"Okay" I yell back and try to recuperate my smile. I know he's not coming back.

He doesn't hug me nor does he kiss me. He fist bumps me. And then he's gone. 

For the rest of the weekend, I infinitely regretted not at least trying to kiss him. I felt unsettled. I felt haunted by my inability to seal the deal. I've done more with less! Am I losing my touch?

The need and desire to smash a guy carried over into the next night. I can't get into too much detail or else I break my Vegas vow....but me and one of my friends met a nice boy with quick green eyes named Mitch from Long Island, New York. Ohhhh, I am a sucker for that accent. He was drunk. We were drunk. He gave us a lap dance. We gave him dollar bills. He bought us drinks, we chugged them down. He asked us to dance, we sandwiched him in between us. He asked us to go back to his hotel room, we rewarded him with a threesome.

I will say this. I'm 0-2 in self-satisfaction. Mitch, next time don't drink all day and take your anti-depressant medication. Zoloft has the opposite effect of Viagra. Yet again, I drive home from Vegas with a sore jaw and a dirty feeling. But he was really cute though. Not as cute as Brandon, but he did the trick.

Cross another item off my sexual bucket list!

This trip to New York can't come soon enough. 23 days to go. I booked my room in Staten Island this afternoon. Terry and I discussed things to do in New Jersey and New York. It's all been very business and platonic, like how we always are. Jay, on the other hand, is dying to get at me. I do my best to give him monosyllabic answers or remain vague. It drives him crazy. 

The Big Apple Sexodus....I can't wait!

What's your price for flight in finding Mr.Right?

It was one of THOSE weekends....if you get what I'm saying.

Yup....one of those weekends you'd wish the alcohol had done a better job of erasing.

My new motto of not caring and just going for it was not even a week old before I started putting it into effect. Time to break it all in, right?

Oh geez.

It all began on Friday night....what a surprise...it ALWAYS starts on Friday night.

I'm drifting into a pleasant sleep when I hear a text message come through. Pissed off and half-awake, I grab my phone to see which dick-wad it is now....Rob? Dan? Jay?

None of the above. Oh no....it was Edgar.

Oh yes, THAT Edgar. The guy I cheated on Dan with for like 2 years. The most unromantic fling a girl could ever ask for. You know how some people enter into a passionate affair while they're cheating and make plans to run away together? NOPE. Not mine. Just a bunch of sweaty blow-jobs in the back of his Solara under the cover of darkness. And the ever legendary line, "Oh but see...you and I only look good on paper." He was one of the reasons I broke it off with Dan. Then when that relationship was over, he stopped calling me. The thrill was gone. He was in law-school full time now and there was no room for me. There never was.

I had deleted his number so the conversation started off brilliantly:

Wonderful...now I have to make small talk as I'm dying of sleep. God, it's so transparent what he wants...it doesn't take long before he stumbles his way towards his true intention and I make a stupid mistake....

Ughh. I shouldn't have opened my big mouth and made my availability known. Oh well. He doesn't answer my text, instead opts to call me up right on the spot. We make more chit-chat before he asks if I'd like to come hang out with him in his apartment the following night. OBVIOUSLY we all know what that means, too. (sigh) Sure. Fuck it. I agree to text him the next night after my company outing to Dodger Stadium.

The next night my whole company is out getting rowdy. After a heart-stopping Dodger win in the bottom of the 9th, we're all still in the mood to celebrate. My friends and I wind up at the Brass Monkey. Ah yes, the same bar I met that kid Jon at and then proceeded to have some intense hook-up action. I never did hear from him again, hahah!! So anyway, we're at Brass Monkey and my friend Mayra ends up chatting with this cute kid named Alejandro. His buddy Peter introduces himself to me and I make pleasant conversation. This Peter guy is kinda good-looking, with slightly salt & pepper hair. He works at the Natural History Museum. We exchange phone numbers (his is Washington DC area!) and I disappear into the night, ready to embark on a voyage to Orange County. From Koreatown to Placentia. A fucking 40 minute drive for a booty call. Edgar better be worth it!

But he's not. He's sooooo not. Yeah, I am sooooo over Edgar at this point.

His roommates are all out of town, so he's got a nice little two-story apartment all to himself. He serves me up scotch whisky on the rocks (Johnnie Walker of course) and we make more inane banter on his couch in the living room. Edgar looks more or less the same. In the last two years, I really feel I've outgrown him. I find all of his conversation boring. I don't think he's as attractive as he once was. And he has absolutely no tact. Once there's a lull in the conversation, he asks if I want to go upstairs. I shrug and say okay. Might as well get it over with. 

He might be a third year law student, 8 months away from taking the bar exam...but he scores a solid F in the bedroom department. Either he's gotten lazy since I last saw him or the quality of my sex life has improved. I'm gonna go with the latter. 

Oh God, so terrible. We started off with a blowjob and all I could think of as I bobbed my head up and down on his lap was how incredibly small his dick is. Was it always this tiny? Why did I ever hook up with him? Midway through me wondering how long I can hold my breath and thinking up of grocery lists for tomorrow afternoon, he signals he's coming and I swallow what I can only describe as the faintest of loads. Yay! I can breathe through my nose more freely now! Argh...then it's my turn. My retribution, if you will. Basically, he groped my breasts, rubbed my clit like it was a lottery scratcher (OUCH!!! So not sexy!) and I had to I fake an orgasm so he'd stop. He then spent maybe like, 2 minutes on top of me thrusting before he came all red-faced and groaning. It was pleasant to slide him off and ask to borrow his shower. I needed a lot of scrubbing to feel better.

I won't even get into the horrifying details of his bachelor pad bathroom he shares with 2 other boys. Ewww!

Bedtime. I slip in next to him and shamelessly praise his deliciously cold air-conditioning. We say goodnight and I struggle to get any real sleep. I keep waking up, unaware of my surroundings and annoyed at Edgar's snoring. 

8 am can't come soon enough! He nudges me awake and I get up with a start. "Oh wow! You're a pretty light sleeper! I barely tapped you and you're already up" he laughs. I tell him I don't ever need a snooze button. I'm always ready to go.

I leave his place fast. Did I just fuck a guy for some whiskey and central A/C? Maybe. 

Quiet reflection time as I coast down the windy canyon roads of the 57 north freeway. Jack FM is on at full volume and I'm singing along to Night Ranger's "Sister Christian" which I then decide is my new theme song. It's a beautiful summer morning in Southern California and I feel like I'm top of the world. I don't answer to anyone. I fuck whoever I want. I sing whatever I want. I drive wherever I want. This is my life and I love it. It was never supposed to be perfect but I am having fun with all my imperfections. 

Only 40 more days till my New Jersey/New York sex-capade! Time to make more mistakes!

Terry and I have discussed finding the right motel (nothing too seedy) and he's offered to come stay with me so I'm not alone...I'm excited for him to show me around New Jersey. Maybe Atlantic City? Maybe Seaside Heights, aka The Jersey Shore? He's a decent tour guide, so we'll see. I'm not even that preoccupied with wanting to fuck him.

I wish I could say the same about Jay towards me. Check out this gem of a text I got the other day:

I won't say I don't provoke him. I do flirt with Jay a little....but he takes it to a whole other level. YIKES.

Sorry, but I'm no one's slut....I'm a woman on a mission. I'm a bird in flight.

I'm enjoying the illusion & the things my body says..

I scarcely know who I am anymore....and I think I rather like it. 

Since my trip to New York three weeks ago, a calm has come over me. A new school of thought has taken over. I am giving up the search for a life-partner for the moment....which I hope will turn into a few weeks and maybe a few months. I am over being constantly ignored and rejected for doing nothing. I feel as if I'm being punished for being myself. FOR BEING NICE.

In the days since New York, I felt an overwhelming sense of independence and reckless abandon. Now, I know that's not supposed to be a permanent change to my life here in LA, but I will borrow from what occurred on the trip. I will not worry about what others think of me, I will not dedicate every single moment of my free-time to finding the "perfect" boyfriend, I will not subject myself to feeling guilty about what feels good and I will not apologize for who I am. It seems I am always having to remind myself to take care of me first....it should be part of my new outlook...it should be my lifestyle.

I've always been aggressive but it seems even at the level I was, guys still trampled all over me. I made too many excuses for jerks. I bowed to their "kindness" and waited for them. And what did I get for waiting and being patient? I got spit in the face. I got doors slammed in my face. Texts went unanswered. Opportunities were squandered. My time was wasted.

New rule: I'm not waiting around for anyone. I'm not going to romanticize hook-ups and hold my breath, hoping that this is the one that I strike gold with. FUCK THAT. I am taking anything I please. I'm walking into the room and making off with your antiques. I'm taking anything that's not nailed down. It's mine if I want it.

No, I'm not going to take up petty crime. I'm referring to boys....guys.....men. I'm tired of being so "nice." I'm tired of giving and giving, of trying and trying, of squeezing my eyes shut and praying that it goes right. I just want to fuck you and leave.....at least for now.

So maybe it was the new outlook, but I did something rather impulsive.

I'm flying into Newark airport in New Jersey on October 29th. I plan to stay on the East Coast, Staten Island specifically, for 3 days and 2 nights.

I bought a couple of concert tickets to see The Deftones in New York City on Tuesday October 30th. 

Uhm, Jay is going as my date.

Terry and I have made plans to hang out, as well.

I enjoyed New York immensely. I felt so alive and the same time so vulnerable. I've never been to a city that gives me such a thrill. It doesn't feel like home. No. It feels like the perfect play ground for me to get lost in my new found hedonism.....or rather, my renewed sense of hedonism.

I'm going to use those idiots to satisfy every waking need inside of me. I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to see one of my favorite bands in a strange and exciting city. I'm going to be anonymous. I'm going to stay up late. I'm going to eat pizza at 2 am. I'm going to fuck two different cocks and I'm not going to call them the next day. I'm going to sleep in the airport because I'm hungover.....then I'm going to deal with no consequences back in LA. Why? "Because New York's not my home" as Jim Croce once said. I don't belong there. That's not me. I'm going to use the city for what I want and sleep in my bed when I return with an incredible peace of mind. My conscience will be clear. I will feel no guilt. As it should be.

No need to fear that I'm on the path to destruction, decadence or (God forbid) drugs...it's all a measured release. I have a life to come back to. But I hope that this time, the renewal will last. My transformation will be uninterrupted as I wont be dealing with travel-mates that I need to worry about. I won't be judged. I won't be looked after. I won't have to please anyone or act like a lady. I won't have to fake it. I won't have to look over my shoulder and wonder what the others think. I will be completely on my own....er, except for the nights I will be sleeping with a different boy.

I broke the news of my visit to Jay a few days ago. Needless to say, he was ecstatic (no surprise there) and has sent me several texts about what he plans to do with me, for me and to me. He's a huge Deftones fan, the biggest one I know outside of the Southwest, and we've mentioned several times over the years how much we'd like to see them live, together. I seem to be making all of his dreams come true. Trust me, the sex is worth putting up with all his creepy texts....for example, here's one from like a week ago:

Pretty sure I'm gonna get my own hotel room, so as to avoid winding up in Jay's sex dungeon. 

Terry is excited. He agrees with my refocused goals and throws his full support:

"ha, well just put it this way...you dont owe anyone anything (that i know of) you dont have anyone to prove anything to, so you just do what you want. its the way to be happy."

Hedonism might be the theme of this whole trip. 

We've discussed at length what, if anything, we should say to Jay. I know we can't lie forever. Neither of us regret what we did, but we're not sure if telling Jay is the best course of action, at least not before I get there in person. It could very well break his heart. I also don't want to start trouble between best friends. And lastly, I don't want Jay to hate me and miss the concert. On this new personal voyage, I recognize that I'm not a completely heartless beast and I'm not here to ruin people's lives. I think Jay deserves the truth and my hope is that we will all sit down and discuss this like adults. I'm on a quest for myself, and it all might seem hugely selfish at times, but I have feelings too and I should still be mindful of others. My heart has softened for Jay, I will admit. He's owed the whole story. Maybe when he finds out I fucked Terry first and behind his back, he'll back off and not think I'm so perfect. Or maybe he'll come back for more. I don't know. All I know is I want to fuck one or both of them. Preferably both.

Am I kidding myself? Am I tricking myself into thinking that this mini-vacation is an escape and subsequent solution to my love-life problems? Maybe. But I need this. I want this. I crave change. Everything else I have tried has not worked. Following the "rules" has failed me. I'm miserable when I'm not moving around. I just want to be constantly thrown into new situations. I want to be distracted again. I want to forget about the ticking clock lodged in my heart and in my ovaries. Stuffing it with dick and false promises seems like a fun adventure. It feels good. It feels temporary. It feels real. My hopes and dreams can wait for a while. I just want to live in the now. I just want to take it all.